Thanks Muji for what you said about grieving because I love my father who who he should have been a man that loved me and care enough not to hurt myself or others. I know when he dies I will still feel a loss maybe not for him but for what I never had. It not simple is it. The mind, body spirit part of us sure is complex.

Cecil, my sister could've.... and became the abuser in our father's footsteps.... my grief for her and for my dad is ambiguous, as a website described it, because ther's that sense of loss combined with the sense of should have but wasn't. You grieve what was/wasn't at the same time, and it's incredibly confusing, as I know from my experiences.

We're here, just keep sorting. I loved my sister, wished my dad loved me, and I still marvel that either was true. It seems simple to an outsider (one person told me, "Hate people who hurt you, it's easy!")... but not so much for "insiders".

I think of this sometimes a a a web that a spider creates to catch its prey. It is intricate and complex and every one is different and each of us in our circle of DS PTSD has been the prey and we are all as complex as the web itself but somehow with all the different thoughts ideas and experiences bring us together to break the web and bill our own health web of friends that are not there to prey on you. To me this is the magic of DS PTSD because we all connect to each out in our intricate ways and its beautiful just like a spider web. Mi us the spiders for anyone afraid of spiders. I'm so glad we can all come here for support. That's what makes us all a special kind of family all on it's own.

i have deep traumatic bonds to my past abusers, even my younger sister who can make me feel bad in a heartbeat i felt love for my brother who died and he was an abuser,,,, i constantly want to make him into a hero but he was a hurting person who hurt me i am also confused to not get mad ,,, or feel the buried feelings leaves us still a victom in many ways i get it

I totally understand where you're coming from. Don't feel like a freak. I felt that way for years. I loved him for years and hated myself. Then my daughter was born and things changed for me. When the nurse put her on my chest the day she was born, I was fill with so much love for her and so much hate for him. I was so confused by my feelings. Then after years of hating him and being angry at him, he came to stay with us for two weeks and during that time I chose to forgive him. It stayed like that for a good long time..... until I started to remember what he did to me. Until my little one's started to show their faces..... then all hell broke loose and I don't love him anymore. I don't waste my time hating him, I just don't care about him. Live, die, I don't care.

TW***
He set me up to be gang raped, and pack raped by friends for 3 years. They'd come over 2 or 3 times a week and anywhere from 8 to 15 of them would take turns with me all freaking night. And he would take multiple turns because he was my "uncle". He is my mom's baby brother tho I don't consider him family anymore. He started raping me when I was 3 and started gang raping me when I was 9. It all stopped when I was 12 and my mom sent us away. But a few weeks later he followed. Even tho he wasn't gang raping me anymore, he was raping me repeatedly throughout the night and several times during the day. Always before school and after.
TW OVER***


It's normal to feel love for your abuser. I think all of us who have had a real connection to our abusers (like family or close friends) have felt that way. Please, don't feel like a freak because you aren't!!