Years ago I felt that I didn't belong and that no one would notice if I was gone. As I was cutting my wrist my roommate found me and prevented me from killing myself. I had actually repressed that memory for years and years. Now that I have remembered it I realize if I had succeeded all that I did from that point on would never have occurred. I am an attorney for social services and have done over 10,000 emergency hearings for amused children. There is no way to know, but I am fairly sure that at least one of those children was saved because I was the one that handled the case. If I had killed myself at least one child would have died as well. There was no way to know that when I had the knife in my hand when everything seemed like I should end it all. I think it turned out for the best that I didn't. Just something to think about.

This is probably the only place that I could safely talk about my desire to exit this world. Sometimes I wish I would just vanish, like you see in the movies. Poof. Gone.

I hope to be seeing a new doc soon. Would like to have some fresh diagnosis.

Between you, me and this room........I think about suicide, but I don't do anything about it.

That's lovely how you saved those children, Atec. I guess there are things to hopefully look forward to again:
SpiritSong, I feel that pain, I think of suicide almost daily but it's not something I'm going to act on. I was most recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and it's opened up my eyes to how horrible a person I am.

Of course you belong here. You are unique and deserve your slot in this world. One thing about BPD is it often improves with age and DBT can help so much. Has your therapist recommended it?

i know how you feel. i face these feeling very often but i am slowly getting less times where that happens. i spent every day cutting and overdosing at your age. as they say BPD gets better with age, i would deffinatly agree with that. i cope so much better these days. dont listen to the voices and thoughts in your head tell them to fuck off. you deserve alot better than to harm yourself. please stay here and carry on talking to us. we are all here for you.hugs

If you haven't read "Trauma and Recovery" yet, please give it a try. I've heard that BPD has been kind of demonized by the psychiatric community but this book explains its inner logic and discusses BPD in the context of PTSD, where it makes perfect sense.

Looney1 thank you, I'm actually in doing DBT and EMDR for my cPTSD.
Aspie, I have to tell the voices in my head to shut up all the time... I also self harm and all that.. So I can definitely relate.

Thanks Donna, I will for sure read it!

Your post gave me a hankering to hear one of my favorite songs on this theme. Listen along, if you like. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-f5UGZD1gU

Welcome to the forum, zozo. It is possible you have found a sizeable gathering of folks who don't belong. Just possible. Not presuming myself as the spokeswoman for other non-belongers.

The feeling of not belonging is so deep in me that any invitation to join anything feels like a delusional deception to me. Ya, sure. Skip to the fine print, would ya? Crying is still so hard for me that I remain more likely to get violent about it than JUST break down and cry. "You better take that compliment back, right now, or else. . . ! . ! . !!!!! "

I don't have any answers, zozo. I just feel a bit better about ^it^ when I don't feel so alone with ^it^.

Welcome aboard.

zozo, I gotta tell you, I just met you and just because someone gave you a diagnosis...a name, that does Not mean you are a horrible person..not one little bit! You are not alone, so many can understand and relate, so welcome to Support from people who care! Hugs and Blessings

Having a diagnosis doesn't make you a bad person. There are plenty of bad people who have not been diagnosed and plenty of great people who have been diagnosed.

You make the diagnosis, it doesn't make you.

Yes you do belong Zozo. I've had days where I thought it would be better if I weren't here. but then someone tells me how much I've helped them so I think it's not true. You can beat this. It does get easier with therapy.

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It means lots to me to have people that care!

Arfie, thank you, I enjoyed that song!

It's hard to know that I've manipulated so many people and actually come to face with it and admit it. I've hurt a lot of people with my shit. I don't know..

I hurt myself yesterday and when my husband found out, he got extremely upset and now he hardly talks to me or looks at me.. I'm just so tired of all this. I wish it would stop.