Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I passed my auxiliary police training. I passed the course. Shields and vouchers will be received in mid-July. Graduation in August.
I cannot believe it. Yesterday, as the last day of training and testing, it became intense due to the practicing of handcuffing. I cried. I went into the bathroom and cried. Cried. I had the help of the instructors to help me through it. But it was embarrassing and uncomfortable because I can't stand the idea of letting someone helping me. Embarrassing that I just stormed out and then people stare at me and look. It's like i became the open book for them to see through. I am grateful for the training and instructors and the ppl there with me.
But I don't know how to accept this. I am absolutely overwhelmed and tired out of my mind. I am at a such critical point in my life where my vulnerabilities are shown and real and the absolute unexpected changes in my life. I don't know what to say. I am really at a loss for words.
It won't be real until the day of graduating that it is official. I know i will have my shield by then, but that's the story...
Agh! Psalm 38.
I cannot believe it. Yesterday, as the last day of training and testing, it became intense due to the practicing of handcuffing. I cried. I went into the bathroom and cried. Cried. I had the help of the instructors to help me through it. But it was embarrassing and uncomfortable because I can't stand the idea of letting someone helping me. Embarrassing that I just stormed out and then people stare at me and look. It's like i became the open book for them to see through. I am grateful for the training and instructors and the ppl there with me.
But I don't know how to accept this. I am absolutely overwhelmed and tired out of my mind. I am at a such critical point in my life where my vulnerabilities are shown and real and the absolute unexpected changes in my life. I don't know what to say. I am really at a loss for words.
It won't be real until the day of graduating that it is official. I know i will have my shield by then, but that's the story...
Agh! Psalm 38.
Way to go! Congratulations!
Maybe part pof what you discovered today when you felt vulnerable in front of others is that it is OK to have normal worries and fears. Many people are hoping you will do well.
You have shown your strength in your posts here month after month. Gradually you will see how competent and strong you are!
Hugs to you.
Congratulations on passing and so much more.
I don't know your story, but I'm wondering why you would choose this path if it can be so upsetting to you. Do you want to be a police officer, but your PTSD gets in the way? IS this a way to prove yourself?
I think the best way to handle your success is to examine why you set this goal in the first place. But no matter what you discover, the fact that you passed it is awesome!
Congratulations! this is big. The significance of the event alone (finishing a very difficult series of trainings) could make some people walk out in tears.
Handcuffs? I think you deserve a break about how you reacting to them because, er, they're handcuffs, Kat. I think you can give yourself a break for how you handled that, and not be overly worried. A person doesn't even have to have PTSD to be uncomfortable with something that literally puts you in bondage.
In teaching college years ago I had a student get cute with a police officer on campus and end up handcuffed to a light pole on campus. His girlfriend called me, really upset, and I went down there and he apologized and the office let him go. Neither he nor she had PTSD like you and I do, and you handled this much better than they did, judging by your description.
Again, congratulations. Please post again when the shields and vouchers do come.
I've seen cops that were very abusive and got thrills from it, and I've seen cops that are sooo cool that a guy arrested by them are almost thankful.
The prize of having a badge comes with a lot of responsibility. Can't just wig out on someone and then say there was a threat.
My father got plenty of PTSD from being a cop and the things he saw and had to be involved in.
I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing to do. There are different personal reasons for choosing to help or assist, and that includes being in charge of keeping peace. For sure there are some people who are "power trippers"- those people would try to gain control (in a bad way) of any situation they are involved in, and to them a badge could be a passport allowing them to conduct that type of abuse.
If a person is working on their own emotional health, choosing to work in a profession that has personal meaning to them could be part of their process as well as a service to others.
I just want FindingKatB to be safe and happy.
Having a personal history with trauma myself was a real asset in my work. I want through 15 years of weekly therapy first. I also built a support system for myself into my work while I was a hospital chaplain.
I disclosed my diagnosis from the start and made sure I had support from my supervisor in a standing session weekly with him in addition to my PTSD doc's meds and weekly therapy, too. I did have a colleague chaplain once try to use the fact that everyone knew my diagnosis as a stigma against me in a staff meeting, but it didn't work because it was old hat, plus my work record was enhanced by it.
My experience left me of a mind that the issue is not whether or not to go into careers that relate to your own personal issues, imho. It's how much self-awareness and preparation accompanies the choice, both for self protections and for job effectiveness. For me the best thing was to link my personal and career lives very intentionally, and it was extremely rewarding as a result.
I know my one strength is that I can detect a kid who has issues like THAT! (finger snap)
I'm very perceptive and I see things in the first week of class that takes sometimes TWO YEARS to get on record due to all the paperwork BS.
I think Finding should journal big time once she gets placed in a job. I think it's awesome and she should realize that she doesn't need to figure it out all at once- just as it comes.