i'm sorry your sister is so toxic to you that you had to cut off contact with her..i haven't spoken to either of my older brothers in years...and it does make sad to hear of or see other people being so close with their siblings....i do have a friend i consider an older brother,i go to him sometimes when i need advice,or just that feeling of connection..again,so sorry for this loss in your life,i empathize..

Yup, I feel it constantly. I have 10 siblings and feel blessed that I can talk to 10% of my siblings and still have a whole person to talk to. Grieving the living absence of the other 9 feels much harder than grieving to death of a loved one. Sometimes I think of it as an old athletic injury with no trophy to show for it.

Gentle empathy, hummi. It is a toughie. . .

Big hug for you... Yes there are sure relationships that I miss and changed... Sometimes people can have relationships within certain perimeters?... Is that possible for you and your sister?
Sometimes we just have to accept unfortunately what is and it doesn't make it hurt any less... Another hug and a blessing...xo

Every day, I miss what I could've should've didn't have with my late sister and my late dad.... Much hugs and supports....

Of course! I am an adult woman and it's been two full years since I've gone no contact from my two "best friends" of a decade. It had become painfully clear to me that one was a narcissist and the other was her flying monkey - and I had come crashing off the pedestal the narcissist had me on, and instantly regarded as patently The Worst by my two "best friends" who I had thought I was going to grow old and become the Golden Girls with. But here's the thing - I miss the friends I *thought I had* - healthy, true friends - not the friends I actually had - toxic ones. You miss the sister you thought you had or the sister you wish you had - not the actual sister you do have, who you know is toxic. When you are hurting and missing the person, it can be pretty easy to lose sight of that distinction. It's totally okay for you to feel mad that you can't have the sisterly relationship you want! But after you feel the anger, you have to root yourself in truth too, in the reality of who your sister actually is to you. It's a constant dance, and a complicated and difficult one. Be gentle and kind with yourself as you process and reprocess all of what you feel. <3

gentle hugs, what people have said makes so much sense, even we know it hurts. i have been working on detaching and not completely doing it. proud of you for making it complete. it is, i think, the better way. i'm sorry for your pain. i think i am grieving the loss of them while still somewhat in the relationships, i know i am.

i still have shocking repercussions every time they seem like nice people and i buy into it. i can't quite believe that they aren't... i mean, they are, they aren't criminals or anything, they are good to people, it seems it is mostly me they do horrible things to. i am currently on a big crash from something that they did to me, still sort of in unbelief stages...numbish. what they do affects almost every aspect of my life - people i would like to spend time with - other relatives who, when i have rested up enough i have hopes of spending time with. those people have been talked to and warned off, let know i need space and am best left alone - secret information that i am not to be let in on. sounds paranoid, but it isn't. only very sad. and heartbreaking and it can and has made me angry. it got to the point of stressing me so badly i had seizures, so, i made my mother move out of my house. if she wants to tell lies about me now, she can do that, but she'll not be able to do it at my expense and while looking at me and causing me grief here.
even my neurologist has asked that i not be around either my mother or sister due to the certain rise in seizure intensity and activity.

i miss what i wish i had too. i am angry about it too sometimes, i feel ripped off. i feel like my whole family has been stolen from me - not just the crazy ones, the crazy ones have taken the trouble to steal the fun ones now too.

i'll tell you what i'm going to do though - i've already started doing it - not by myself though.
i've gotten to know people here. i've made friends here, true friends and very good friends. you will too. when i can, as i can, i am spending bits of time with my friends and it is wonderful. it is wonderful to know what a real friend is. it is wonderful to be a friend as well.

Thank you to everyone so far for your support! The guilt is a hard thing to let go of, like I should just deal with her because she's family and that's what families do. Well, according to every TV show and movie out there. LOL!

Silverlight--I'm so glad you have someone you can talk to.
Arfie--You nailed it. It feels like a injury I received, but have nothing to show for it. But I think I actually learned how to protect myself from similar injuries in the future. :)
SunCloud--Unfortunately, I tried to change and modify my relationship with her. I said I didn't want to talk to her every day or tell her every personal detail about my life. I don't really do that with anyone. She always seemed okay about it for a short period of time, but eventually she would hit me with guilt: "why don't you trust me enough to tell me things? why don't you want my advice? why won't you listen to me because I've gone through the same thing? why won't you return my calls or texts? It's been 2 hours since you read my FB message--why haven't you responded yet? etc." After this happened several times, I realized she could't accept the space I needed. :(
Loveandkate--Thanks and sorry about your friends. That is so hard when people you believed in turn on you. I hope you are being gentle with yourself as well!
Lillypotter--Yes, I can relate. It is hard because my sister is a wonderful person in a lot of ways, smart, funny, beautiful, creative, and strong. I looked up to her a lot when we were younger. And she always seemed to tell me things because she loved me or because she was worried about me. But after many years, and friends AND my therapist telling me so, I finally admitted to myself that she added "out of love" or "worry" to make me feel bad for not listening to her. The process took me almost 4 years from admitting that to ending contact with her. Give yourself time. It wasn't courage that made me stop talking to her, it was the realization that I couldn't make her happy or prove I loved her or make her feel special in the way she wanted. Because what she wanted was unreasonable to want from me.

Yeah, I had a dysfunctional family, so I'm kind of like the line in that Soul Asylum song, "homesick for a home I never had." I've worked on that grief a lot in my therapy. I mean a lot.

I held on too long, now when I remember, it's only pain. I suppose when my mother dies I'll have to see my sister again, and then it will hopefully be it.

My son was 2 when his sister was born and he was enchanted. They've been close and often plotting against me ever since.

I treat the guilt like a separate phenom, regardless of the guilt trigger. My guilt habits are so over-developed that I can and do feel guilty over anything. Literally. Did all my chores today? What did I hurt in the process? There is always something.

mujicaptsd--Yeah, that grief is a hard one. With mine, I found a lot of guilt and anger tied into it too, so it's not just sadness to deal with.

Patti22--Yes, I've worried about when one of my parents pass away having to see her again.

arfie--That sounds really hard, to always wonder if you're doing enough. I hope you can be more gentle with yourself in the future.

My sister is violent and an addict. She abused me, even one time peed on me as a young child standing over me in the bathtub when i was too small to say anything. I have no problems not seeing her and she lives very close now. i actually get sick to my stomach when i even hear her or see her somewhere. I do miss having a sibling relationship, more so with my brother who passed away 28yrs years ago when i was very young. I think when two siblings are close it is a very special thing and ya, i wish i had that. There are other relationships i miss that i have lost that are very hard and i miss. it is unfortunate.

I could have written what you said. Yes! I get into this thing where I wish my sisters were a certain way so we could hang out. I may even try to contact them and I get a brick wall of reminders about WHY I don't like to reach out to them. Whenever I get like this, I watch "Under the Tuscan Sun." It's about a lady who goes through a tough divorce and then impulsively buys a house in Italy. She wants to fill the house with family - a husband, children and friends. But it doesn't work out the way she thought it would. Her best friend moves in with her with her new baby. And then there are three people who help with the construction of her house who become friends. And neighbors.

Sometimes it doesn't work out as we want it to, but if we look, at times it's right there or we can create it.