My heart goes out to you. When I told of my abuse as a child for decades I was hounded and persecuted for coming forward against my minister. Community & religion turned against me over night. Until I left the religion, the church would send letter to the ministers of every new place my family moved saying I was “tainted” and warning parents not to let their children associate with me. My court case was in the papers as I was the only one of the 14 girls who was able to get a conviction, but I remember vividly the teacher holding up the article (which cannot legally publish names of the minors at time) during current events and pointing me out to the class denouncing me and saying I was a liar.

It’s not easy to get through the denials and refusals to believe that you are speaking the truth. Especially when it comes to family. My mom’s first response when she learn who was denial & that also is seared into my memories.

Gentle hugs, support & comfort, Looney1.

I got ambushed during the last Christmas I dared try to spend with my family, too, Loo. It broke my heart. My 80 year old father even punched me in the face again. His reenacting the abuse of my childhood, even though his elderly punch was a weak one, sealed the deal.

I had to leave my family behind for good for my own sake. After all, I was feeling ill that Christmas, and went on to find out that I had kidney disease the whole time I was putting up with their Christmas attacks.

A year passed with me getting kidney treatment and stabilizing that, but I needed somebody to care with me for my emotional stability, too. That's when I came here for that.

I found, too, what you say when you write " I have been unable to form new relationships successfully and unable to create a new life apart from them." I separated from my toxic family that Christmas, but I just don't trust people enough any more to build a substitute "family" in their place offline.

For me the place for a substitute "family" has been here at DS PTSD, where it's safe and people understand. First of all, because here folks get what PTSD is, and second of all. Second of all, because here folks understand why for some of us family is the "f" word and not all warm and fuzzy.

That may not be good enough for others because even though DS PTSD is full of supportive friends, we are online friends, not off line friends face to face. I get that. It's not the same.

I got an example just yesterday. I went to the National Book Festival for a day in Washington DC, and met a young mom and her little daughter there. I'm an old man, so it thrilled me that the little girl took to me like a grandpa.

With her approving mom looking on, she spent the day talking and laughing with me like my little niece used to do when I could be around my family. It broke my heart when the day ended, but I had to remind myself it was good that it happened at all. That it showed what a good offline guy I still was, isolated from family as I've had to be.

Isolation drains us, Loo, there's no denying that, so I'm sending you not just my support here, but a prayer that you get a day offline like I got. A day when some encounter with someone out there doesn't turn into another encounter where you're an easy mark for more abuse.

A day in which someone instead reflects back to you the good in you to give you back your strengths and shore you up the way we all deserve. A day like I had out of the blue yesterday. For me, such a day goes a long way. I hope for one that would for you, too.

I care and need u. Im selfish. I know but i need u here loo.

Thanks for your kindness and understanding. I know you have been through terrible times too. I'm so obviously horrible even strangers don't like the look of me. I have tried to change everything about me so much but in the end, nothing changes and here I am reliving my early years as an old person. I've tried and tried and tried to change myself and my life because it must be something about me for it to keep happening. I long for death.

Its nothimg about u loo. Ur perfect how u are. Dont change for anyone. Someday u will find the right kind of people. Dont give up. I think uve just be very unfortantate and unlucky in the people uve met in real life so far. Dont give up.

Looney, I hope that you know that we are here for you on both the good days and the bad ones. I am very cautious about letting people into my life at deeper levels. Don't need all the fingers on one hand to count them. Like Muji, I do find unexpected encounters, even though brief, are rewarding. I think I do best to just be me, while striving to be a better me just for me. My wish for you is that you begin to find some safe people. Calming and comforting hugs my friend.

Wow! That's thorny chew mixed in with a mega load of snot knots.

Gentlest of support while you work it out. I hope you'll keep on venting and sorting. That's wa-a-a-ay to much to be holding in.

Rocking you gently and crying with you. . .

Listening. . .

It’s so very easy to let the constant stream of negativity, of denials, of lack of support, of lies and delusions other continue to cling to because they cannot handle the truth and reality of our experiences color our perceptions of our worth, Looney. I am still overcoming the false beliefs ingrained by those who failed to believe my abuse, failed to accept the truth and judged me for what happened. It is so much harder when that negativity delusion and denial comes from our families and continues to be reinforced every time we’re around them. We desperately need acceptance and support to just survive the initial trauma that we become subconsciously sponges absorbing and accepting their false perceptions as truths. We start buying into the scam, drinking the poison, accepting the lies as real. I’ve done it, at times in lesser evil situations I still do it. It always seems easier to accept the blame, the judgement, the guilt and the negative beliefs others have of us because we somehow associate our need for acceptance as a requirement to receive support & love we need, as if we believe their delusion and they will suddenly open their eyes & love us again.

Please be gentle with yourself, Looney. If you can, try to step back from the negative feelings you currently have of yourself & see how much of those thoughts are your own & what are from the years of negative reinforcement by those who don’t support you. I’ve often had to do that with myself to keep the darkness from eating me alive. It takes time and it wasn’t easy but it got easier with practice and for me it was so worth the cost and effort to finally be free of those ingrained falsehoods I had been clinging to most of my life.

Gentle hugs & support. I’m with you & lending you my strength.

Thank you so much for the love and support. I don't know what I would do if I didn't come here for a reality check sometimes. You're all wonderful.
I took a sedating antihistamine a while ago and it seems to have calmed the tornado of my mind a bit.

You are wonderful too :)
I’m glad the antihistamine helped calm
Sending support & Big hugs <3

Oh dear looney, triple hugs of support. For years, i kept shrinking the ties to my family, hoping to salvage something of my roots, but in the end, i buried my mother and turned and walked away from all but one cousin. It was a giant step, taken out the toxicity permanently. It gave me the room to realize that the key to surrounding myself with people i could care about and who would care about me at this orphaned time in my life was being comfotable with myself. Once i could care about myself, i found i cared about others as well and once i valued myself enough to self care, i realized there were others who valued and care for me too. Triple hugs as you make your way. The answer may just be too close tomyou for you to see right now, but like the forest through the trees, not seeing it doesnt mean its not there waiting for you to discover it, ~

Hugs looney, I wish I could help more. I'm not in contact with my family either but still new in the game so can't give words of wisdom or ideas. It's scary to think of my kids moving out and on and listening to the silence in their place. In my short few months without them I've isolated and it's getting easier being alone as depression sets in. Losing them has helped me realize the good friends I do have outside my little family. I know I have to work at those relationships and am struggling to do it right now so it's time to communicate what I'm going through so they don't think I'm snubbing them. Fortunately they are strong relationships that can't be broken when I take me time. Do you have friendships like that? I spent a lot of time thinking about what I don't have with my family instead of stopping and realizing what I do have. Quality over quantity, it really is true. Out of my friends I have one I can be vulnerable with, that's all I need i realized. Even when apprehensive about something and I do it anyways, she surprises me with no judgement and understanding. I hope you have one of those in your life. Grasp something good, whatever it is, and hold on with both hands until this passes. Also keep posting everything you need, seemingly silly or not, you definitely matter to us too.