Recently I have experienced myself as a stronger version of who I used to be. I have a good friend. I use him to reflect on my reality and he helps me step away from strong emotions and that in turn helps me be more who I want to be. He seems special to me. So obviously I'm scared that I might need him. It feels anyone I've ever needed has rejected me or mistreated me, frankly never cared for me. 

I know everyone needs people. But I can't just be with people, there is only a few I can actually connect with. 

My ex threatened to kill me.

My father left me and my mom when I was 8.

My older brother started beating me, because he could. 

My mom was too busy trying to fill the hole my dad left to even see me. My brother was male, so I guess he made a better replacement than me. 

I think she never saw me after the divorce. Not as more than a means to an end. Her life's work. Anything I succeeded in wasn't me, in her eyes it was her. Any failure I did wasn't her, it was me. 

In short, I have evidence to suggest that neither of my parents loved me. 

Love is so abstract though. I guess we all love only from where we're coming from. They just were coming from a place of needing. They needed security, in one way or another. Ironically, this is why now, I don't have it. 

Or maybe they were just bad people. 

I am spending the weekend with my mom and my brother. Since both of my parents have vehemently denied that me being beaten as a child would constitute as something bad, I have stopped arguing. I never agreed with them though. But I'm too young really to be financially independent. I have started taking from a student loan so at least money-wise, I actually don't need neither of my parents. However, for my studies I have to do work placements. Right now I still need my father's car to get to the place for 3 more weeks. I don't feel guilt really. I am too angry to feel guilt even though what I'm doing is quite dishonest. Maybe I feel guilty for putting myself through this. 

I think that since they failed to keep me safe or recognize me as a person, I don't owe them anything. Maybe one day when I start getting a salary I will pay back my dad and my mom in money, maybe I make it monthly. It seems fair this way. Material doesn't make up for not being recognized as a person, but it is something nevertheless. So why not cut them out that way? 

My parents now grow older and I'm afraid there's not going to be much left of a recognizable person, more than mental illness. The love I have for them now, is the only love I will ever feel for them. They disappointed and failed me gravely. 

But I'm not mean enough to pick on and hurt a bunch of frail, lonely and insecure elderly people. My mom is partly gone. My dad would classify as mentally healthy for most people and maybe I have inaccurate preconceptions, but I can see how he's making up for his own feeling of insignificance by bullying me. 

He chose another family over us, but they didn't chose him back. It's sweet to watch. He loves the woman more than us, but she loves her kids more than him. The kids in turn rejected my father because they didn't want another dad. He's not a part of his own household. 

Luckily he can take it out on the daughter that has also suffered through his decision to leave in the first place. So not only would he decide to not be a father to me, he would also decide to be a bully instead if that helped keep his relationship with that woman. 

I'm not jealous. They deserve each other. 

Frankly, if I was into revenge, I couldn't imagine anything sweeter than what is already going on. 

And while both of my parents like to bully me, I am now taking antidepressants to numb the pain. 

I'll get out of this one day. I swear I will get out of this if it's the last thing I do. I owe this to myself.