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March 8th was the funeral of a dear friend who lost her life to suicide. I've been in denial for so long. Now it's more real and saddening and frightening and hurting.
I don't know what to do with myself or with what I'm feeling. I've been through fits of crying spells and then not being able to feel anything.
I'm also working on a homework assignment from my therapist. It's the beginnings of a trauma narrative. So it's charging up a lot of old feelings. My suicidality is still high. I currently don't have any intent but my plan and everything else is intact. I honestly don't think it will matter to anyone except for maybe two friends if I die or not. I mean I know people are going to be upset but I also know that these people will see me as a failure and just move on. Everyone moves on eventually. I'm just ready to move on to heaven. A lot of Christians go back and forth on if suicide is a sin or not. it's my understanding that as a Christian as long as I have proclaimed him as my Lord and Savior here on Earth and seek repentance for my sin then I will be forgiven and be let into the kingdom of heaven. And honestly does anybody really know? I'm just tired of being in pain and keep getting hurt over and over again it's never going to end life sucks and there is not much joy to it right now. I know it's a selfish way are out. I just want the Pain to End. And I will continue the fight I always have and I always will. I just get so darn tired sometimes. And it's at these times in my life well I really don't know what to do. So do I get help again for the third time this year.? Or do I just fight through it cuz life sucks? I don't want to be impulsive and stupid and pull a stunt. I'm not seeking attention I just want the pain to stop. It's not fixing the solution and I may be a part of that solution but the solution for my case is never going to be found at least not until the day I am in heaven. And it's that day that I can't wait to get to. I guess that's my update for the day. I have therapy again tomorrow. I hope to remember to update you all tomorrow.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
If I were you I would but away the therapy work, this might not be the best time to work on that. I would sit down aND write out every good time and good laugh you had with your friend. You will laugh and cry and be angry. It us OK to feel these emotions. You lost someone close to you to suicide.
Don't be afraid to reach out to your therapist if you need some additional support. Keep reaching out to us too.
Comfort yourself and be extra kind to you. Distraction might help too.
It might be worth anchoring these feelings because if you ever decided to suicide, this is how people will feel. Kniwing the hurt other would exprrience at your loss nay prevent you from attempting. You may not feel like people care but they do. I faced the death of my daughter friend shortly after my attempt. It was sobering to see the reactions. It is why I will never suicide.
I am so sorry for your loss.
HUGS
Only people with depression can truly understand depression. It's either you have it or you don't. I know what it feels like to want "out" of here. Out of this place. This space. This earth. I really never thought about where I would go afterward. Does it really matter? With the way I was feeling on earth, it really didn't matter where I would go afterward. Anywhere but here. I've been told the same, many will miss you. Your children need you. It's a selfish way out... blah, blah, blah...When we are in that frame of mind... the one where you just want out. It really doesn't matter. We figure everyone would forget us and move on. We don't really want to die. We just want the pain to stop. We want to stop feeling the pain. I get how sometimes the pain feels so great that it overtakes us. We feel it may never stop. I can cry forever. Sometimes letting myself cry and feel the pain. I mean really feel it instead of trying to shut it down has helped some. I've allowed myself to feel the pain and cry hard. Sometimes I worry that I would never stop crying. But I did. For that day. I still have moments of wanting to end it all. But I keep reminding myself to not make a permanent decision to something that is temporary.
I am sorry you are in such pain. (( HUGS))
would it be possible for you to take some time with your therapist to work through this,and all the feelings and thoughts it is bringing up for you?
Again,i am so sorry,and i am sorry for the pain you are in.
You have all my empathy...
Always I hope I see him in heaven. He was one of the coolest guys I've ever known. I know what you mean about being ready for heaven. I have a thing about hoping there's intelligent life on other planets, because I've experienced a lot of stupid brutality on this one. I think one reason I'm a community college teacher now is to try to do my little part to help that. I do get tired of how dumb brutality continues here on earth, though, and I look forward to heavenly rest from it some day. I just think I'm supposed to do my little part here on earth in the mean time, before the final rescue in the end.
I'm a Christian, but you never know--Buddhists and Hindus may be right and there may be reincarnation. In that idea you have to come back again until you get it right. Nothing would make me more angry than to get to heaven and get sent back down into this mess again because I didn't do my part while here, so I'm not taking any chances.
I like that stuff you shared about how your therapist has you working on a narrative. I think that's similar to what my therapist and I crafted for me, a narrative so I could give my past traumas meaning going forward. Let us know how that goes. Much support to you.
You have fought very hard for a very long time. You made an important breakthrough recently about your family. I believe healing is possible for you and I'd be happy to talk about it more. I just think you would be disappointed in yourself for giving up now when you are on new territory and may be on the verge of real healing.
For decades of my life, I didn't know what it was like to "not wish to die". It was always there, sometimes as something that I had to sit on my hands to stop, and sometimes just in the background. Drove me to counseling, and even faster drove me out of counseling (it was required that I sign a "will not kill myself pact"...which I did, but didn't mean, wasn't going to discuss or argue it...so quit going).
One of my main coping tools is that when things get desperate, my thinking gets shorter. I may hate tomorrow, so I love my cup of tea. I may hate my cup of tea, but I love the feel of the keyboard under my fingers. My fingers may hurt, but they're warm. (I can take this to an incredibly short term if I need to.)
Heaven...I can't speak to. I'm atheist and not going. My children aren't going. Took some getting used to...but I used to hold my infants and repeat that. In the end, incredible comfort. One less thing to torture myself about (will I or won't I go).
Does anyone know?
Does anyone know if tomorrow won't be better for you? If despite it all, you won't get up and say that's a nice pillow over there. Or I really like looking at this picture. Maybe it's a nice cup of cold water (my daughter, strange, strange child...loves ice water)? Maybe it will be a song.
Maybe you'll write a poem or say something that will make someone protect their child and stop this from happening to them. Ripples flow out all of the time and touch other people. We often don't see the results.
My wish for you NOW, is that you know that people CARE.
Heartfelt hugs, Patti
gently holding out my hand, you got us, you've chosen to stay. you did, i believe you are going to still. it gets hard, but you will choose help if you need to, right? don't let the bastards win. and they are really beside the point anyway, right?
we are here for reasons - not least of all , to do our bits and pieces. our somethings. we may not know what they are - you may be doing some of it right now.
it is a good plan to take a large time out on that homework. holey mackaral, purple - not right now. i will write you a note. xoxo
so much comforting support, and yes, it is beyond ok to go to the hospital 3 or more times, as needed - PRN. it is more than ok to do that to take care of you. TLC please take tender loving care of our purple warrior
It's a lot to bear when you have your own to deal with and the drudge of a death. I can tell you that you will never be able to forget the experience, but you can and will be able to find your way. I understand the depths of depression, but I also think it's a mistake to not consider just how it would alter the lives of those around you. I am a Christian as well and suicide always seem like an option when you fight your own demons.
Do what you can to take care of yourself. I apply that to myself.
Love Manda XXX