I used to have an account on dailystrength and it was my safe space. I did a lot of healing and I worked through a lot of my problems. It's probably been 4 years since I was last on here. Recently, I found out that my my estranged mother was constantly logging onto my account from her computer and reading all of my posts. Not only did this enrage me, but I felt that the one place I had to express myself without judgement was now invaded by her. Once again, she was pushing boundaries of mine and making me feel small. I never confronted her about it, I just deleted my account.

Since I was last on here, I was in a three year relationship with someone. We were engaged, I thought I was happy. Long story short, he was constantly manipulating and abusing me. "Gaslighting" was never a term I was familiar with until I met him. I was never the type of girl to allow a man to control me and hurt me. I was really blinded by all the things he would do and the lies he told me. I am not certain if he was a narcissist, but he had all of the qualities of one. The hardest part is, I thought I had escaped my mother's toture and manipulation, only to find it in my partner. I left him and it was a big shitshow but I figured "he can't hurt me anymore if he's not around". Now I'm realizing that's not the case... I cannot sleep anymore. I keep waking up in a panic and being horrified that I'm in danger. I really didn't think he did that much damage but I'm afraid I have PTSD from the relationship and the things he did to me while we were together. The worst part, in my opinion, is that he took the ONLY thing I ever cared about. I got a kitten when we were living together and she was everything to me. Whether it seems crazy or not, we had this incredible connection and she made me so happy. When I left my ex, I grabbed my important paperwork and other sentimental things. I ran away with a backpack and the clothes on my back. I asked him if I could come back for my cat and he agreed. A week later, he blocked me on everything and I couldn't contact him. I showed up to his apartment for my cat and he threatened me with a gun. That's the type of person he is. Completely heartbroken, I had no choice but to move 6 states away and live with my family. Every single day that passes I cry and cry over my poor cat. I don't know what happened to her and I blame myself for abandoing her. I don't know if I can forgive myself for not taking her but I didn't have much of a choice. I would like to see a therapist so I can find some way to cope with the loss of my cat. It sounds stupid because it's just a cat, but she was the only joy I had. I can't afford therapy right now and I'm really struggling to move on from this. Does anyone have advice for me?