Yes, me too, schoolgrrl, how are you?

I just started two classes for the quarter on Monday... and I have zero will to do the homework. I guess I just don't feel good. That's all I can say really regarding feelings right now. I feel overloaded and burdened. I've considered checking into the mental facility here again, but that will just mess up my school money. My dad had a heart attack a couple weeks ago. This virus stuff is going on, and hasn't even hit us here yet. It's like I know it's coming and that it's going to hit us hard. Me and my dad have always had lung issues. Half of me is kind of glad because maybe it'll just take me out. But, the other half fears it will take my dad and leave me on this God forsaken earth on my own. I can't help but just stew over it. It's given me several physical ailments. First, I started nervous cleaning. I injured my ankle. For some reason that's when the tea that I had been drinking for over ten years started making me have to go to the bathroom (#1 & 2) constantly. So, I stopped drinking caffeine, but only after it gave me horrible hemorrhoids. Also, another super gross thing is the anxiety from everything has made my cold sores flare up. So, here I am hurting painfully from several completely new injuries. I feel like I can't even tell anyone because of how gross everything is - hemorrhoids and herpes - lovely! I feel like I'm the dead walking. I didn't even think life could get worse. I was so wrong. I just want to die. Somehow I'm supposed to do homework right now: Health Care Policy.... so ironic that it hurts to type. I really just wish the physical pain could stop, so I could start to deal with the emotional pain... of almost losing my father... of having our house taken over by my brother's girlfriend and her children. She is such a trash person. Expects everyone to do everything for her while she just pumps out babies. She is just mean and destructive and she doesn't care about how much of a drain she is on my poor parents. Everyone looks at me like I'm a leech, meanwhile I'm giving my parents every school check to help pay bills - and I'm working on my PhD - and! I have PTSD! I don't feel like my education makes me high and mighty - but it proves I do something. My brother is the same way. They're perfect for each other. Trash people. It just lowers my vibration having to deal with them every time I open my bedroom door. Sometimes even when I don't! She doesn't take care of the one child she already has. He is always coming in my room to hang out because they don't pay him any attention. So, now that schools starting again I feel guilty on top of everything because I can't spend time with him. So, I just hear him crying all day. It's painful because I love that little tyke with every bone in my body. It breaks my heart to not play with him and teach him. That his mom and stepdad don't care enough about him to physically spend time with him. I feel trapped!!! I feel so trapped - like a week at the mental facility would ground me. If the physical pain would stop, I might be able to read this textbook. Jesus. That all feels so good to say. I'm so sorry to bog you guys down with all this junk. I'm just so incredibly sad. >< Thank you sooooooooooooooooooooo much <3