schoolgrrl You have to think positive. If you keep on thinking this way any longer it will start to affect you school work and your chances of getting your PHD. You sound like me when i was twelve. You see i was abducted at gunpoint by a total stranger and sexualy abuse two sometimes three times a day. I was missing for two months and for day. when i came home i was nothing but an empty shell. Who i was no longer existed. And like you i asked that same question ( Why Am I Here ) .But i couldn't give up hope. I didn't give up while i was in the hand of this monster. I knew my parents where out there looking for me. My parent didn't give up on my so i couldn't give up on them. I had to hang in there no matter how bad things got. You are not alone and you are wanted. And if you disappear i would find you.

( Hope To Cope ) Scott

Hello schrrlgrrl, I am sorry for what brought you to us, None of it is something that "everyone else just bounces back from shit..." Many hide it, many block or stuff it, many self-blame in some way to the point they give their attackers a free pass to do it again. Many like me mask and go through the day in zombie mode, on automatic which probably gave people the idea I was fixed also.

Have you confided in your parents or a councilor yet? Don't hide it from them they won't understand unless you talk about it. Your dad works hard because that's what good dads do for their family they love, the same goes for moms, so don't exclude them.

Have you got angry yet at the person even if unknown that did this? All that holding in is draining on you. It's like the adrenaline gets stuck and pings around with your brain. Releasing it in some way will help you relieve some of the hurt you are going through.
Nothing you did caused this and what is history is what it is. Nothing takes it away but everyday you learn makes you new again. Everything you learn each day even without the attack would change you too.

My abuse started very early, almost a way of life and normal to me, and was compounded, I didn't get help until much much later in life. I also studied to understand, that does help to a point.

We are here and will listen but a therapist earlier than later will be of the most help. You may feel broken but you are reacting normally to what happened.

Gentle hugs and support
J.

Hello Schoolgrrl. I too am very sorry for what brought you to DS but I am glad you found it. There are many people on here who support each other along the healing process.
Scott and J have said much of what there is to say already, but I want to add that everyone comes to this journey from a different path and they take a different path to heal. You do not have to be like anybody else in how you respond to your life experiences. I think you have taken a great step in expressing what is happening with you here in this post. I hope you will keep letting it out because it does help to stop holding everything inside of yourself. I agree wholeheartedly with J that the sooner you seek a therapist , the better off your road to healing will be. Triple hugs and remember you can just read here, or just write whatever you need to help yourself manage each moment one breath at a time. Welcome to DS~

I know how you feel, Schoolgirl. There is a real before vs. after timeline in my memory between when my major trauma began and afterward, too. In my case it was a car bombing when I was 9 years old and living abroad with my missionary family. It was just the beginning, too, unfortunately, because it was just the first of more incidents like it in a 6 year civil war in our city.

There's a song by Lucinda Williams called "Unsuffer Me." I totally get the song's meaning. I wish there were a time machine or some other means to undo what was done to me that day.

I write about it often here because my therapist taught me that repetition brings mastery, and I want mastery over it. I write, too, so I can live with the memory and make some meaning out of that meaningless moment. The guy who threw the bomb at my car was close to me and looked me in the eye before he threw it. He had a chance to spare a child, me, but he threw it anyway.

Moments of violence like that take away your innocence about the order of things, don't they? Glad you found us. Here we know what that's like, and band together to create a new order of those who know.

Welcome to the board schoolgirl...… I am so sorry for what's brought you here but glad that you've found us...

This is a good group of folks.... Gentle hug.....xo

Thank you ♥ Today is another low day for me. For some reason I just can't stop crying. I listened to that song mujicaptsd recommended. It was right on the money. I wish someone would just unbind my feet and untie my wrists. wash away my bruises and bloody skin.

I've just been running through people in my mind that have died, like out of nowhere I'll think of a story, and just add yah but he's dead in the end. There's like 3-4 dead friends I've mentioned in the last few days. I was thinking about that today after I mentioned another one. Then I stopped for a minute after my shower and looked in the mirror. Just not able to get them out of my mind. So, I ran through each one. Too many. You know.

Then I ended up talking to my BFF Lisa who currently has a brain tumor. She asked for some advice and I told her I'm not really the one to ask Lol But, then we had a good talk. But, I always feel kind of helpless after talking to her because... she has a brain tumor. Like my pain compared to hers is nothing. But, she doesn't treat it like that. She's such a good friend. She lives in Cali still, and I live in Maine now though. So, it's not like we can get together. But, we talk on FB whenever my neurosis don't get in the way.

Then, this cute guy like wanted to talk to me. But, I didn't. I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship and I don't know if I'll ever be. If I did want someone in my life I would want to talk to him. He's cute and funny. I don't know. Then I just started crying. So, I came here.

I don't know if I'm ready to talk to a therapist. The last one they put me with was like 18 y.o. and had never seen a bad day in her life. The guy was trying to teach her how to use the office phone... she wasn't listening to me at all. I never went back. I find it really hard to pour my heart out to someone if I can tell they don't care. And, unfortunately I'm really good at being able to see through the bs... This made me feel really good though, just seeing that this thread wasn't ignored or mocked. Thank you for that. ♥

I'm glad you have that friend to talk to in California. Even though you're in Maine, talking via FB probably supports her through her struggle with this brain tumor as much as it supports you in your PTSD recovery. It sounds like a situation that's mutually beneficial to hold on to tightly right now, even across the country.

As for therapists, I had middling to poor success for over a decade with therapy, even though I went every week. The therapists I saw were all highly educated in psychology, but none specifically in PTSD. They didn't get that a missionary kid could get combat PTSD overseas just like military personnel do.

Then by chance I moved to a new city for a new job and happened upon a VA doc who worked by day at a nearby military base. He also happened to attend the same church I joined, though I didn't know that until I was already his patient.

This guy got it. If you're in a car bombing when you're 9 years old, it doesn't matter than you're not wearing a military uniform, it affects your brain the same way. In fact, since you're a kid, it probably affects it more. Since he'd treated a lot of soldiers returning from Iraq who'd been hit by Improvised Explosive Devices, including car bombs, now I wasn't invisible to him. I was very visible to a therapist for the first time.

It took too long, over a decade, but it changed my PTSD recovery dramatically for the better. It's why I went on to come here with confidence that I'd be seen here, too, and I am every day., not ignored or mocked, either. I hope you can find that one therapist for you like I found the one for me.

It's a shame how few people understand PTSD. Like, I'll look up ways to cope, and read the symptoms over and over, and what I should do over and over... my brain and my eyes are glazed over by the time I'm done, and I'm still in the same place. Wishing I would disappear. Lol. The literal only thing I've found that even semi-helps is complete isolation and zoning out on a video game. So much time will pass, and I'm so out of my own head, that for hours I could laugh and have a great time. Then, when I get up for a drink, this pit in my stomach occurs because I have to travel through the kitchen. My 2 y.o. nephew will probably see me, and expect me to hug him and kiss him and love him. But, I'm like the clown who gave all of his laughs away. I'm an ass because I am trying to self preserve, but he doesn't know that. All he knows is Auntie is mad at him? Or, doesn't like him right now for some reason? Then I'm back to wanting to die again. Fantasizing about stabbing myself in the throat and heart. This is why I use HUGE cups. The less contact I have with the outside world the better. But, here now almost ten years have gone by and what I'm an old maid at 40 y.o. w/ no life of my own. Cue waterworks. I am a freaking mess. And, I don't want to deal w/ myself anymore.

I am usually better than this, but my back is injured. I have physical pain every day and a nurse practitioner that thinks I'm too young for the type of injury I have. I'm in the process of switching doctors because my pain specialist recommended an ink test for my hip to see if physical therapy will even help me. My NP denied the test of course due to her beliefs about my age-group. Her beliefs shouldn't be anywhere near my medical care imho. But, here we are! If I can just make it to the 15th I feel like all will be well. But, right here, that seems like millennia away. My new doctor has experience with patients with PTSD... my mental pain feeds off of my physical pain... if only it would devour me and have done with it. Thank you for listening♥I'm sorry♥

No need to apologize, school, it's good that you put your stuff out there because it validates others of us here. Like even me again--I have back trouble, too. With one of my disks way up high between my shoulder blades, which is kind of rare, and then with another disk down in my lower back where pain is pretty common for a lot of folks.

I've been through physical therapy at my local hospital for weeks two separate times, and it did work for a while. I'm glad of that much, even if it doesn't get rid of it for good.

And yes, mental pain and physical pain feed each other. That's why even though I knew it wouldn't give me a permanent cure, I went back to do the physical therapy a second time, just for a break in how the mental pain and physical pain were building.

When I got the physical pain to change for the better even if only for a while, I got a break in how it fed the mental pain, you know? It doesn't sound like much, I know, but it was to me--just any break was really wonderful. Like they say, the best thing about pain is when it stops. Even if not for good.

Thanks for what you put out here. It's good to know I'm not the only one.

I know this is an older post and I don't know if you're still looking at replies I feel for you and I hope things are getting better for you now.

Yes, I am still watching replies. It never really goes away. I thought for like 6 months things were looking up, and now they're bad again... I have a constant headache. My meds aren't working as well as they should because I've been sleeping for days at a time because of depression. I just wish with everything inside of me that I wouldn't wake-up. I'm just so sick of this F crap...

We're still here, as long as it takes, school....

I don't even know what makes me so upset... I've been crying at the drop of a hat... Happy or sad... I've started noticing a shorter fuse when it comes to my 4 y.o. nephew. He is having problems expressing himself through words so he either does high pitched screams or he hits people. Both send me off the deep end. I literally just blew up at him for hitting me because I am so sick of the physical violence. Like, he's only 4 y.o. and the sites say he will grow out of both traits... But, I'm just over here losing it daily. And I feel awful when I yell at him, because I know a normal person wouldn't have such a short fuse. I was doing so well for so long, not perfect, but a lot better. Then, I think this planetary crisis has made me insane. Right before it started I was like harassed because of my disability by a student teacher in one of my classes. She said, "Well, at least you passed." But, I had 100% on every assignment, and the last assignment she gave me a 74%... but it was the exact same information we had been working on the whole semester, that I got hundreds on. I know she gave me the grade because she wanted to hurt me. She had been pretty mean to me the whole semester. If I was a normal human being I would have reported her, but it takes so much effort and energy to remain in that negative state the whole time through the reporting process. I just don't have it in me. She should be reported! Then, now all the virus stuff popped up after that... Classes are about to start again on the 13th, and I'm just losing my shit every single day, faster and faster. Crying for no reason at all, at everything. I know it's not my period because I just got done with it. I read this one thing about PTSD and Bipolar disorder where the girl said, "Before my body builds up a tolerance to my meds I'm normal." I think maybe my body is building up a tolerance? I really don't know, but it's getting really hard to just function. And, I feel so bad about my nephew. Meanwhile, my brother's gf is pregnant with another baby... So, in like 4 months the house is going to get even crazier. We all live with my parents, who used to have a rule that if you live under their roof you wither had to go to work or do school. Neither my brother or her are doing either. I'm really trying hard to focus on my PhD, but life is just putting me through the ringer right now. I don't even know what I want out of typing this, just like, it made me feel good seeing that muji is still here:) You really helped me a lot last time just by listening. It's so hard to explain to a 4 y.o. why Auntie doesn't want to play right now. Or, worse, blowing up on him for smacking my arm. It doesn't hurt. It's just a trigger.

Glad to be there for you, schoolgrrl. You're not alone, we're listening, we're here for you.

Hi Schoolgrrl, I just wanted to check in with you to see how you doing.