I am sorry for all that you're feeling. It's a list of feelings and responses I've been through over and over myself, too. It was a breakthrough when I realized that, just speaking for me, what I wanted most was what you say, just to be seen. Growing up as an object of abuse I was invisible, I was just something my abusers projected their anger upon.

Being shouted down all the time I had no voice, and I had to prove to myself that I even existed half the time. I didn't need for anyone to rescue me because I was a tough survivor. What I wanted was a witness to reflect my success at survival and my very existence back to me.

That's when writing became important to me. Not writing that had to be published, not writing with ambition. Writing just to be seen, even if the only eyes seeing me were my own. Writing as a record and reflection.

It's a bonus to me that we can write here, then, and have more than that. Be witnesses to each other and reflect that we see each other.

I am tired myself so will just say that I see your post, I am sorry for what you're going through, and I have faith that you will move through this phase and beyond it because you have shown yourself to be very strong and able.

Insert platitudinous hope here, XF. Sometimes statements of the obvious are the best we can do.

Healing is a journey of inches. Healing happens, one microscopic cell at a time in ways far too subtle for our Higher Functions, such as language and ideals, can notice in its big picture impatience.

Be patient with the process, XF. Listen for the quiet voice. Continued support through the chaos.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Be gentle with yourself. Things are hard enough for you without adding guilt and judgement to the mix. (((HUGS)))

I have been where you are at. I stayed in survivor mode most of my life, I did things to just to be seen and heard and I thought doing those things would give me what I wanted but I was wrong. I got myself into some dangerous situations thankfully by God's grace I didn't have any std's or have some serious consequences. I know that writing in a journal helped me release what I was feeling and going through, reaching out on a place like this and just crying out to God. Reading my Word and getting myself involved in a church helped me get out of myself and be seen in a good way. God has a plan for you He sees you and He knows you. Praying for you and I am here if you want to talk more.

You will not hear those things from me and yes I do care.. Why because I have been there, feeling like crap and I know how important it was for me to feel people cared. This group does care because we have all been where you are and we know how it feels.. When you write, we relive a bit of our own story, our own pain. We do our best to comfort each other and offer support, maybe even a solution that worked for us. that does not mean it will work for you, but hell what do you have to loose except the shitty feeling you are experiencing right?

So, first let me tell you what really helped me. It was to say to myself, "I have every right to feel this way, I have been through a lot". You have had some of the crappiest shit happen to you and it has effected you to your very core. Of course you are going to have crappy days, who the heck would, we all do.

I feel bad that you feel bad. It is never nice to feel this way and you sound very split, not knowing which way to go or where to turn. This is the situation that anxiety loves. It moves right in and fills in all the blanks for you or at least it does for me. For example, a friend was not returning my texts for days and that turned into weeks. She was not returning calls either. I was thinking she did not want to be friends anymore, I cried thinking "what did I do?". God I am so stupid, I fucked up a friendship. Anxiety kicked in and filled in all the blanks to explain why she was not answering. I was wrong, my anxiety lead me to jump to conclusions that just were not true. She was really sick and in bed for a week with the flu and a really bad cold.

So what I am trying to say, is ask yourself, "Is this really true?" "Do I know 100% sure because I have the facts". If not you need to tell anxiety where to go. It is lying to you trying to confuse you.

Now take a deep breath, and slow things down. You are spiraling. Trust me you will find the answer you seek, just maybe not today. Does it really matter when you find the answers? Today tomorrow, they will come. So know you will find the answers. This can be calming and relieve stress. When you get into a spiral, pull yourself out by saying, "it is ok if I don't know today, the answers will come.".

All this can be very freeing. You are going to be ok. I know it does not seem like it now but together we are going to get through this. Together. Please keep posting here. We are in your corner.