Wow, look how many people care, Zoe. Between Christmas and New Year's, too. On Christmas Eve, no less. Yeah, I don't know why therapists take time off during that most stressful time of year. But we're here. You're not a loser. When you feel like cutting you can come here and say so instead, giving that a try. You're not alone.

Well, I went on another cutting spree.....my face, shoulders,torso, back....anywhere I could reach. I was in my closet and trying to deal with so many flashbacks. I really tried to use my grounding skills. It just didn't seem like anything was working. The panic and anxiety got away from me which is unusual as since WeepyOne told me about her closet I made mine into one with things that make me feel safe, comfortable and strong. I'm usually able to come to grips. Not so this weekend. TW TW My flashbacks are of people suffering and slowly being put to death. Cut one toe off at a time, then the fingers one at a time.....it only gets worse from there. The screams and howling. And I was not allowed to show ANY emotion and had to keep my eyes open and watch or I was tortured. I won't explain the things I saw, it's just too bad. Sorry to ruin any holiday spirit.

Zoe hold on ok. I'm here with you too and I know how you feel. You are very much loved and wanted here with us. Together we'll get through this.

Aww sweetie, you're not ruining holiday spirit, you're really going through it. If only thing I'm feeling for you is worried and wanting you okay. That's all I want is for you to be okay. It sounds like a lot of people have hurt you & I don't want you to hurt yourself. You've been hurt enough babe please don't hurt yourself anymore. I'm here, even if you wanna personal message me you are always welcome to honestly. I've been through some really rough stuff too, don't beat yourself up for what other people have done to you cause that's not your fault. I've had to be told that many of times, it's not our fault what things that people have done to us, that's on them. I've been through certain things that are so scary that some things I've told people & some things I'm not even ready to tell people, which is unfortunately manifesting in these extreme panic attacks where I keep waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I can't breath but then gasping for air & it's really scary. I just had a really bad panic attack before when I was driving & felt like my throat was closing up & thought I was having a heart attack.

As people that have been through multiple traumas & been abused, unfortunately we end up in the aftermath abusing ourselves. I use to be really bad in my teens & twenties by hurting my body with drugs and drinking. We have to learn to take care of ourselves as trauma survivors & give ourselves the opportunity to treat ourselfs better than we've ever been given the chance to be treated before. You're special & beautiful & so worth it, I promise you.

I'm saying extra extra prayers for the both of us tonight. I don't want you to feel alone. We're all in this together here. I'm taking a big comfy cozy safe blanket and wrapping you up in it right now. Im sending you safe positive vibes right now & I hope they reach you & you feel them.


Take it easy on yourself the best you can okay. When you do get to see your therapist tell them everything that's been going on so you can get the best help you can & deserve.

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))