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So... I've been staring at my phone for the past 10 minutes just trying to figure out what I'm depressed about. Like I know why but I can't write it down if that makes sense. it's been murder to me just trying to organise my brain. I'm gonna at least try to write what I'm thinking.
I can't settle. My friend is already planning on moving into an apartment and yes I'm only 16 but that's closer than I like. I can't even stand working a day job. I don't have freedom to just leave. You have to coordinate everything. I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO JUST UP AND LEAVE IN MY LIFE!!? I'm not happy were I am. I'm in a state where it's too damn hot for my liking, everythings too far away. It's just frustrating. It's slowly draining me. I've always been an explorer.
I had a small incident in a bathroom. Apparently I didn't lock the door and a guy entered. Lucky for me I was washing my hands, but it sent a wave of panic through me. I was reminded of the torture I endured in my elementary school bathroom. And it generally scared me.
I ended up reading the file of my (closed) case in therapy and it just frustrated me that the police don't really care. There's no conclusion as to if my father and brother raped me because they both denied it and called me crazy. I know they did. My physical body knows, my mental body knows but that's just not good enough. Far enough. (Sarcasm). It's just frustrating that they both got away with a crime which leaves the victim feeling like they don't have control.
Speaking of control, I still don't feel like I have that. Because I know they got away with a hateful crime it makes me feel like what I say doesn't matter if that makes sense. Trying to gain control after it's been forced away from you is like trying to grab a peice of cake when you're strapped to a chair and people always say it's easy to gain control again but it's just not. I've never had control of my life since I was little. My life was dictated by my father, whether he was in a good mood, or drunk. If he was drunk he'd take control over my body and then shove me into a pantry or once our basement. And if he wasn't dictating my life it was school. How can you gain control of something you've never had control of?
Well I guess that was kinda easy. This took me about an hour to write just cause I didn't know how to word it. Anyway
Thanks,
-shu
My heart goes out to you about beings 16 and being under your dad's cruel control. I remember that all too well. My dad got a shotgun when I was 15, and went and stored it in my bedroom, which was where he put bars on the windows and abused me. It was like he was cornering me and giving me a deadly weapon at the same time, like he had a death wish he wanted me to carry out.
I wanted no part of it, so I got out of the house at 17, as soon as I could. I had all of my high school graduation credits early, so I left all of my high school friends and took off 4 months before our exams. It was lonely and hard, but I got away from his lunacy, which got worse over time until finally the law stepped in and put an end to it.
That was 30 years later, though, so you're right about how the police don't care until, as you wrote, it goes "Far enough. (Sarcasm)." But at least I didn't live my life under a murder charge, if that's what he really wanted with that bars-on-the window and give-me-a shotgun stunt he pulled in my house when I was your age.
I hope you can get out safely and well when the time is right.
Cry, you did a great job at explaining the hard to explain. I am glad you and your Mother are away from him and now safe. But sometimes that's when worry and anxiety amp up, because there is less mess on the plate to deal with, or fires to put out.
Your closed file, I am sorry that you weren't believed by police in some states they still will rely on the adage of what goes on at home is not thier business if everyone survives. This happened with me also but then I was also labeled as a liar by a chorus of family for trying to speak out.
I like the idea of a trip, so maybe talk with your mother about a weekend or week with safe family or friends that will give you some good semi-independent experiences. You are 16 and growing up, but it should not be this fast, with this much hurt as a teacher. A good example and a few good experiences go a long way in helping build your resilience. Sometimes feeling trapped does a good job of breaking down resilience.
If you have interests in hobbies or creativity, maybe even try volunteering as a coach or assistant with younger children participating in these activities. This will help you more than you know with feelings of self guided control. Also get and find a counselor you are comfortable with. Whether there was a case or not, many counselors know that a lot goes unreported or the victim is not offered validation to work from. Seeing others in a group support arrangement will also help you validate you are not alone in this. They can help you build tools to manage your feelings and memories.
As always we are here and will listen and support you.
Jewell
I want you to know I hear you and feel your pain. Just so you know, taking an hour to write this down takes a lot of thought and courage so I want to thank you for sharing your story. I don’t think it’s small at all and I think you already notice but people replying to this post shows that people care about you.
Continue on the conversation. It’s good to open up and share some of these darkest deepest secrets of our lives whether verbally or virtually. I don’t think God created us whether we are introverts or extroverts on a deserted island all by ourselves.
Praying for you this day that God will smooth the crooked places and allow you to walk in the path of healing and restoration.