I am drinking again.   I just find that it is helping me cope with the knee pain and the numbing of everything else.   I am not drinking a lot,  a bottle of wine every few days.   If I am not drinking I am eating more than I should of Tylenol 1's.    I need to carry on with my day and this seems to be the only way.   Even with this crutches,   I am still falling behind on everything and not able to do what I once could.  It is depressing.

I just need to be careful not to let it get out of hand.   I really hate my life right now.   I am unemployed,  broke,  drinking and popping pills and cannot seem to get my shit together.    I cannot decide if I am sad,  or depressed.   My mood all over the place. 

I would love to be a social worker but honestly,   I would make a piss poor social worker,  I cannot even get my own life in order how the hell could I ever help anyone else.   Just one of the stupid things I am wasting my time and money on,  taking courses.  I cannot help others until I learn how to cope, handle stress, and get my own depression under control.  

I don't feel that will happen.  I am not sure I have recovered from PTSD.    I am certainly not back to mysef and I am certainly not as capable as I once was.   This is as good as it is going to get.   Dr. felt I would recover 80%,  I think I have recovered about 70%.   I think this is as good as it will get.  

I feel smart,  but cannot seem to put that smart into action.   I am not sure I am saying this right.   Maybe it is just fear of success?   For example,  I know how to run a business but I cannot find success when I attempt it.   However,  I am not really working at it full time either and I am not really committed to it.    My buy and sell,  I have done very little over the past month.   I posted a few ads today and got some emails.   If I did that everyday,  I would likely be successful,  so why am I not doing it?   Is it chronic pain and exhaustion?  Laziness?  Depression?   Fear of Success?