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I went to go see my mum again today, I have no idea why. The last time left me an emotional wreck but I couldn't help myself. I needed to see her. As soon as she opened the door to let me in a million memories came flooding back to me, we stood in the kitchen and she was talking so sweetly to me like a parent should. I went along with it, it felt good in a way.
We moved to go sit in the living room, she continued to talk sweetly to me and sat beside me on the sofa. She told me loves me and always has, I was fine hearing this, I was open to listening. The motherly love talk suddenly turned to "You look so beautiful, you've always been a beautiful boy, that's why I loved you" she put her hand on my knee and I absolutely flipped my switch. I wish I had just pushed her away but I didn't.
I grabbed her arm and twisted it, I pushed her down on the sofa and punched her in the face so hard I could feel the impact of it myself. She laid there barely conscious and I had absolutely no feeling for her at all. I didn't feel bad, or guilty. I shouted at her "I'm not a child anymore and you can't hurt me" She pleaded with me to stop and all I could see is myself, she was me right now, that poor kid who was always screaming for them to stop but never did.
I walked away from my situation, conscience clean. I know there will so many of you who think what I did was disgusting, however in my opinion she's lucky to still be alive after what's done to me. She got a lucky escape with only a broken nose after selling me and molesting me for years. So fuck that stupid rapist cunt of a mother, I feel better and she deserved it.
We moved to go sit in the living room, she continued to talk sweetly to me and sat beside me on the sofa. She told me loves me and always has, I was fine hearing this, I was open to listening. The motherly love talk suddenly turned to "You look so beautiful, you've always been a beautiful boy, that's why I loved you" she put her hand on my knee and I absolutely flipped my switch. I wish I had just pushed her away but I didn't.
I grabbed her arm and twisted it, I pushed her down on the sofa and punched her in the face so hard I could feel the impact of it myself. She laid there barely conscious and I had absolutely no feeling for her at all. I didn't feel bad, or guilty. I shouted at her "I'm not a child anymore and you can't hurt me" She pleaded with me to stop and all I could see is myself, she was me right now, that poor kid who was always screaming for them to stop but never did.
I walked away from my situation, conscience clean. I know there will so many of you who think what I did was disgusting, however in my opinion she's lucky to still be alive after what's done to me. She got a lucky escape with only a broken nose after selling me and molesting me for years. So fuck that stupid rapist cunt of a mother, I feel better and she deserved it.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
I'm sorry that your mother hurt you so badly... You were subjected to things that no child ever should be
I would hate to see something happen you now though due to not being able to control your anger Alex... Please reach out to your doctor.. Let him know how angry you are... Meds can help symptoms a lot... Once symptoms are under some control that is when therapy usually starts... . This is why the doctor wanted you to start on meds
Perhaps staying away from your mom for now... At least until you're in a better place might be a good idea Alex??.. This could really come back to bite you ... You deserve the best treatment you can get and I hope that you'll reach out...xo
...I am so very angry on your behalf, and disgusted at her... She was...ugh...yep...trying to rape you again.
...you don't deserve jail for this...I'm not quite sure how to keep you out of jail other than to report on her if she does press charges.
...the meds might help. If they do not, you don't have to keep on with them, but give them about 6 weeks.
Run cold water out of the tap on your hand, it's cold enough now to lower the swelling.
Please don't try to navigate this alone, Alex. It be dangerous territory.
Gentle support, Alex.
Odd as it is, I've taken that as a summation of my lie as Not-Them. They had their "excuses". I can't allow them in myself.
But as I said, I do understand the anger, and I hope you will not suffer from more than you have.
Leo, sorry you have been the victim of violence. It's much different in your case as you're an innocent person. Id never hurt anyone who hasn't already hurt me first. My girlfriend and friends know how gentle I am but if you fuck with me I will fuck with you. And she bloody needed it.
SunCloud, I am actually going to go on medication to help with my anger, I definitely admit I need it after this :)
Just take care of you.
For me, an outsider away from it all I cant help feeling a little bit of pity for your mother too - in the sense that something must have gone way wrong for her to get so badly into drugs.... Still I agree the way she treated you was evil and disgusting.
If your mothers nose really is broken she will probably be getting medical attention and people will be wondering why it happened. That puts you in a bit of risk of getting caught, punished and branded a problematic, violent youth. If anything like that does happen I hope you will be treated with understanding and be offered help in dealing with your pain.
Obviously the law doesn't give a fuck that you were raped and molested by your cunt of a mother and her men.
I doubt you will get into trouble, because like you said.. your mother is a drug addict and you have SO much against her with child abuse and everything.