Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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i am afraid i'm falling back into a bad place

extraterrestrialone
extraterrestrialone

I am so frustrated.  I only see my therapist once a week when i feel i need therapy 24/7.  i feel so unconnected to people.  my therapist won't let me text and email anymore.  she says she's concerned that I have a dependency.  maybe she just had too much of me.  so with out sending all the thoughts i just wrote them down. but she stopped from reading because that is not therapy she says because she is being forced to just sit there passively while i read.  i wish she had interrupted with comments.  i became so agitated that i put my jacket back on and started to leave. skillfully she retrieved me and made the session go on a better course but now a day later i'm still feeling so unattached when i need to have connections that it seems i will never have.  i'm 65.  i started therapy when i was 62.  it feels as if only 6 months have gone by.  i dont want  a cure if it comes when i'm 87 and there is no end in sight to the pain and singularity.  when i feel like this, i begin shutting down and cant do the thing i need to do.  is anyone out there who can help me out of this new hole i've just dug for myself?

extraterrestrialone
extraterrestrialone
I feel my therapist is very helpful, but the things I have to go through; first of all loving her and then knowing that "no" is really the answer to that, and the resulting battles with myself, and then the usual loneliness and not connecting with anyone other than her, and my unstopping self harm and assorted disappointments that are an abundant part of my​ life. I don't know, maybe that means she's not the right therapist, but I believe she is and she certainly seems to be working so hard and knowledgably. Really, I want peace, calm, comfort and love in my life more than healing. With those I think my self harm would evaporate and my fears dissolve.
arfie
arfie
I suffered severe "Transference" with several of my early therapists. These were the first people in my life to care about my feelings. All the neglected and abused emotional needs of my life kept surfacing in dysfunctional expressions toward them. It was bad enough that several therapists were forced to recuse themselves from my case. It hurt like a father fuck at the time, but ultimately I was able to work through the transference in formal therapy. Ultimately, it was worth the pain. It was an important series of lessons for me.

Dunno if that applies here, but. . . FWIW. Just sharing. . . For what it's worth.
extraterrestrialone
extraterrestrialone
what do you say to this?: i am so exhausted. i feel as if i can't go on. the therapy may be working but it is so slow. i don't feel as if i can do it any more. i keep wondering, where is the satisfaction in anything? why can't i get even a little brief momentary rest? why does it have to be all pain? it is and i don't see significant change so it seems as if it never will be much. i need much, but i need a rest too. i just don't know what to do and sometimes, i see my therapist sitting opposite me and think, she just doesn't understand that this much pain is too much. this slow process is too slow. so, in this moment of exhaustion this is what i see. i can't see something better. it is only knowing that quitting has a better chance of making no change the more likely result that keeps me from quitting and i will hate to hear people cheering knowing that i won't quit because i want to so badly.
extraterrestrialone
extraterrestrialone
i think the only thing to do is to stop therapy all together. i know that will hurt too, but it will remove expectations and desire.
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