It may not be a ringing endorsement that I understand all too well, Qwerty, from the increased intensity after "rediscovering" my trauma to the inability to trust, even before the "rediscovery." Psychotherapy has paid off in my own case, but I am still nutty enough that my understanding should be taken with a grain of pharmaceuticals.

I also agree that anonymity helps ease those trust issues. Most live support groups are anonymous for that very reason. We are far from alone in that phenom.

Easy does it, Qwerty. You are already helping yourself, just by talking about the things which are making it hard to come out of the proverbial closet. Keep sorting. Sort freely. Sort often.

Are you in therapy qwerty??


I imagine that you don't trust people for a very good reason....

Trauma therapy can help you to work through these feelings as best you can


I don't think we should automatically trust … I think trust is something that needs to be earned over time


However if you're pushing people away due to an inability to trust that hurts us.... I've done the same thing


I know a lot of the members have been in trauma therapy.... I haven't..... I'd love to read what they have to say


Big hug......xo

Qwerty, wishing I was as insightful as you are...
Took me years to 'get trust'...
Hoping you'll find the 'right person'..to talk with...

For me it's my therapist...I know the 'it of me' will go no further Best To You

I hate therapists... and there's no way I could get to one without my parents knowing anyway :( what kinds of things have they said?

My daughter hates therapists also, and i dont understand why....they are getting paid by you, so you can tell them what it is you want to talk about and what you dont want to talk about. . If you dont like their personality....you ask for a different one.....i dont understand. Best of luck to you

I hate therapists for a few reasons, one is the same I don't like athletic trainers. They sit there in a session, and go through mental checklists of all the things that could be wrong with you, they diagnose and label what's wrong and how to fix it, they use all this flowery language to talk about something that isn't flowery at all, and they tell you how you feel before you even feel anything. I hate being a bug under a microscope, or an exciting new problem for them to solve. I don't want to be a file... I also don't trust them at all for a few other reasons, but long story short they don't keep quiet when you ask them to. Also that they are getting paid stresses me out - if my parents are paying who knows how much for me to talk to someone that I don't want to, I'd better make it good, and "get better" fast, because counseling is expensive... And I don't want to trust someone and tell them everything if I can't talk to them whenever I need them; I'm afraid they'll drop the case and leave me stranded. Sorry for the rant....

I am a middle-aged woman and a survivor of rape by a family member also. Much of what you describe sounds like the thoughts of a younger me when I was a teenager. I'm not saying I completely understand, because each person's experience is unique and you bring your own perspective to this.

I share your dislike of therapists. I've struggled to find one I can trust, and I'll admit trust it has been hard. Even when I found one or two I could trust, there was always a point where it was like, "ok, we're done here, you cannot help me anymore." I found a way by requesting (requiring) the therapist to do a 15-minute phone interview with me before I would see them. During that interview, I asked about half a dozen questions. After talking with them on the phone, I can tell if I want to work with them. Anyone not willing to do this isn't worth seeing.

Especially since you are young and it sounds like still under your parents' roof, I agree this could be difficult to pull of with in-person therapy and them not knowing. If you are 18 or over, they would not be able to get access to your health records, and you have the right to ask to not have them be notified. However, if you use their insurance, they will see the bills and that will show what that the cost is for behavioral health.

Another option for therapy is online counseling. Here is a link to an article by the American Psychological Association that is mostly from a therapists viewpoint, but at the bottom they list popular sites and what they cost. My suggestion is that you can call a couple of them and ask if there is a way you can do therapy online without your parents being notified. You'd need a way to pay them, too, obviously. The costs start at about $35 a month, or as determined by therapist (maybe they would agree to a low rate if you explain your situation). Even a little professional help can help a lot.

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/02/online-therapy.aspx

One other thing I thought of. My daughter hid a lot from me when she was a teenager, including some serious stuff that I could have definitely helped her with. I thought we had a good, open relationship, but she must have felt like I wasn't safe to share stuff with. It broke my heart, honestly, when she finally told me in her 20's about some of these experiences and the problems she was dealing with as a teenager. I don't know your parents, and I know telling them you need help would be hard, maybe even put you at risk of more trauma, so you need to decide if that would be safe. On the other hand, if you were the parent, don't you think you would want to help? Maybe you could tell them you need counseling but don't want to say why. Tell them something really serious happened to you, you are unable to say more or explain at this time, but with therapy you hope you can someday tell them about it. Another idea is to enlist the help of a trusted adult. Is there anyone in your life who you could tell that could then help you convince your parents that you need counseling? They don't need to know who raped you, or even that it is about rape. You could just say something really bad and serious happened, and you cannot talk about it right now with them, but you need help from a professional. Just an idea. I hope this is helpful. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone.

I am an old fart and went through memories about 10 years ago as one of my parents kept denying my early flashbacks. One of the gifts of my trauma is I read people well, gut feelings. Trust that!
I have never regretted my gut in almost 60 years.

It took me 12 years of trying different therapists, but I finally did find one that understood PTSD and me. It made all the difference, qwertyuser

I know my parents would want to help me, but they aren't equipped to deal with what I could tell them... I just can't burden them with this because even though I'm young I'm the strongest one in my family right now... My mom's going through a rough time, and I can't really talk to my dad about it because any and all men scare me, even my own dad. :( Even though he gives me no reason to believe he has anything other than my best interests at heart, I can't be alone in a room with him without being even more hypervigilent than normal... It's exhausting doing this alone but I can't tell anyone else, even if I did want to talk to a therapist I couldn't get there without my parents knowing until I'm 18. They would still worry even if I just made a general request to go to therapy.

I am sorry to hear of the problems that you are facing and that you fear speaking with a therapist. It can be hard to develop trust when you have experienced trauma. You mentioned that your mom is going through a hard time and that you do not feel comfortable around your dad? Are you willing to speak to a guidance counselor at school? Perhaps they would be able to help you to sort through some of this? While you may not want to speak with your mom about this, it probably is best. Who knows if letting her know now will prevent worse problems in the future? Maybe a guidance counselor at your school would be able to help you have that conversation?

I agree with you that even though your parents want to help, qwerty, it takes some expertise to help any of us with PTSD. Like I said, it took me 12 whole years to find a therapist who specialized in PTSD and my kind of it, and they were all trained therapist, not parents with no training.

It's a tough story to tell, 12 years searching, but it has a happy ending. When I found that one PTSD specialist in my kind of PTSD--and it was by accident, really--it made all the difference in the world. FINALLY.

If one was out there for me and I found that one by chance, I want to believe there's that therapist out there for you and you won't just have to luck into finding her or him. Here's hoping.

Therapy isn't easy and it wouldn't be natural to trust one right off the get-go. You're walking into a strangers den letting out all of your darkest secrets and thoughts. But who better than a total stranger? It became easier for me after the third week and I have very good reasons to not trust male therapists. In my opinion, the most important thing is to get it out by verbalizing it to someone. You'll also have someone there to help you process it when it's too much.

One thing to keep in mind is that a therapist won't get paid without a diagnosis. They must dx to submit something to the insurance companies even if it's not 100% correct.

In the US a parent or guardian must approve the therapy, but, is it possible you can tell your parents you're having a tough time at school and that you'd like some extra advice or help? They don't need the details, but maybe even tell them it's nothing serious, and that other kids are in the group too?

They can't see anything talked about without your consent. There is a place for teens called talk space/Online therapy if you want to check it out. I've heard great things about it.

https://lp.talkspace.com/talkspace-for-teens