Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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how to be at peace with myself

sunsets1386
sunsets1386
I can never truly leave. I know my boyfriend is not the one, he's verbally and physically abusive almost every time we see eachother. I keep holding on to my memory of him when we first met four years ago. So charming, now he charms his friends and bartenders, and is a monster to me... But still I stay, why... Bc its easier than finding someone new, maybe I believe I can't find anyone better like he says. I feel like this can't be it for me.. But see no other options. Struggling with extreme depression, anxiety, and relapse issues, alone... Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy... I have a really important job interview tomorrow and can't sleep bc I'm thinking about who he is with instead of me. He always tells me he is busy doing like chores, or work and instead he's actually drinking at a bar. This can't be it.. It just can't. He tries to break up with me and calls me horrible names and hurts me. Then apologizes and says he loves me. It seems to simple... Just focus on me, but I can't. My father was abusive, physically and b verbally , to my mom. I wonder if I'm looking for a similar personality (addict) to "fix"
Elizabeth1968
Elizabeth1968
Honey you are so much better than what you're settling for. My therapist told me a saying when I was in a very similar relationship as yours...when you settle for less than what you deserve..you get even less than what you settled for. At the time I was like huh? But eventually I got it..after awhile I realized it was true. You deserve to be with someone that loves you and makes you happy. But you have to believe that's what you deserve and will except nothing less. The relationship you are in now is unhealthy and will only cause you pain and unhappiness, you can't save someone who doesn't want,or is ready to change. The only person you can change is you. You seem like a loving, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful person. I truly hope you will find the right man that will cherish you the way you deserve...*hugs*
deleted_user
deleted_user
No one should be treated like that. Don't believe his lies about not being able to find anyone better than him. He is really setting the bar at rock bottom in saying that. That bar is lower than your stilettos so pffft - what's that? Don't even listen.

When you have experienced abusive relationships, there is a danger that you can get sucked in by the first man who shows you some kindness. Don't settle for second best. Second best is someone who does not cherish you like you are the best thing that has ever come into his life. Anything less, dodge like you are in a mine field.

Take time out to heal - be gentle and kind to yourself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are suffering more damage than you are aware of - this will take down your health in a greater way than the anxiety and depression you see now.

Take one day at a time. Good luck on your interview. Get your job. If your job provides insurance - start working with a professional therapist.

Yes, you are wise in questioning if you're putting up with him trying to fix your dad. We do that. We go forward trying to fix the unfixable past. Once you deal with the past, and deal with the damage done in the past, you won't be propelled forward in the same direction.

Abuse, be it covert or bltant, erodes our self esteem. We end up with chronic fear, we end up developing a whole language of self talk that exposes our feelings of loss of control (I feel overwhelmed, I feel stuck, I feel like there's too much to deal with - like trying to lasso a tornado) - these are learned helplessness statements. There is a way to climb out of this whole, but it takes a decision to do so.

One step at a time.
RaeFx
RaeFx
I went through a very similar experience. I was married to a wonderful man for 13 years when I was hit by a drunk driver. That crashed caused me many physical injuries, including a brain injury, and set off my PSTD like a bomb. For some reason instead of being the support man he had always been he changed into an abusive monster. I did not recognize the man I loved as he verbally, emotionally, and sexually abused me. I stayed with him for three years of this for a few reasons .... First I kept thinking my wonderful Jerry was in there somewhere. He had to come back to me... I must be the reason he was acting like this. I must deserve this abuse. I also was convinced by him no one else would ever want such a damaged woman.
Well after three years of taking his abuse I had enough and divorced him. I encourage you to take yourself out of your situation as well. He is not healthy for you. He does not deserve you. Go grab life and find the goodness that is out there. Believe me it does exist.
arfie
arfie
I find zero evidence that the standardized solution of dumping the chump is effective. It seems to me that it keeps resulting in marrying the same person over and over. Only the names and dates change. I run in an international crowd. Not even changing language and culture seems to alter the phenom.

Emotional baggage is highly portable. Can't leave it behind. The judge cannot order its removal. The customs agents cannot confiscate it. We are stuck with it and will keep repeating our personal history - herstory, too - until we plant our feet and deal. Who is present during the dealing is fairly irrelevant.

My husband and I have gone through many rounds of this. I may dump the chump yet, but for now taking ownership of my own emotional baggage and supporting his efforts to take ownership is still more effective.

For me. For now. I still have six weeks to dump him before the 32nd anniversary. Just might...

Hope you find what works for you.
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