Puff, puff... Nope. No problems with addiction here. Puff, puff... No denial, either. Who needs food? I gots butts... Puff, puff...

Sustaining hugs, Alex. Yes, it is like "IT" wants us to remember every detail, but as I have quit fighting and carried it through to trusting the process, I have grown convinced it is not the trauma "IT" wants me to remember. I, personally, lost an awful lot of useful and even beautiful information in the mind slides of the trauma. That is what I believe "IT" wants us to reach. Yes, my traumatic memories are still there and the full sensory flashbacks still happened, but they no longer paralyze me. Puff, puff...

But that is me...

Gentle validation while you sort through yours, Alex.

You are not alone and there are so many side affects from PTSD. Are you seeing a therapist? The reason I ask is because sometimes trying to "forget" actually makes it all worse and makes what you are going through linger for a very long time. I'm afraid the alcohol is going to make things a lot worse for you. It may not help at all, even if it feels like it at the time. Alcohol is such a depressant and I'm afraid it is only contributing to what you are going through. Is it possible that your eating disorder is part of your trying to blame yourself for what you have been through, as is your drinking? You are not to blame for what has happened to you and I know that is hard to believe sometimes, but it's the truth. Please know that you deserve to be happy and did not deserve what happened to you. Don't stop believing in yourself and what you are worth. Hugs GB
P.S. I don't know your back story so I apologize if I am out of line in any way.

In answer to that last? Both. We have people here who have fought addiction, eating disorder, or both. I've avoided both but it's been a he** of a fight to not go that direction--- my body image issues go deep. What kept me out of addiction was purely that as a kid I saw that it didn't make my mom's life better. Just screwed up all our lives *more*.
I don't know for sure what help you're getting--- but you have to let someone professionally qualified know about both issues. B/c neither fixes anything long-term, and short-term, they're both dangerous to your health.

Sorry, went kind of "mom" there, no offense meant. (I'm not even a mother, irony.)

But I know where booze took my mom. My sis. Most of my dad's fam if they weren't on something worse. And my mom yo-yo dieted all her life to deal with my dad's ideas about "female perfection". I have no idea how I've managed to not go into eating disorders.... I'm 44 and still wondering why I haven't crossed that line.

Do you have any warning signs you're gonna get smacked around by a flashback? I sometimes do, and I practice a Here-and-Now exercise I learned in therapy. So that can minimize the physical impact for me.

If you keep a journal of all the flashbacks, what was going on right before them, how you feel before, during and after them--- you might locate triggers of flashbacks...

I understand that desire to be numb. Dear God, I wish I were numb right now. I can't even watch my favorite sports team b/c of flashbacks related to my abuse. I'm either in tears or need to be in tears or want to scream until something changes--- all of which is useless, but it's how I *feel*.

So writing it down, here or in a notebook? Could help. It helps a lot of people.

Sorry so long, just... know you are not the only one to go through this, or to face these issues, okay?

Healing hopes for you,
Leo

I second the journal idea. I keep a trauma journal I started with my therapist/therapy group 3 1/2 years ago and still use it and write in it. It helps to get out some of the emotions and feelings. I don't know about you, but when I don't acknowledge my flashbacks, they show up in different areas of my life like nightmares. Know that this is a process, and it is sometimes painful. You may feel like you are doing terribly when actually you are making progress. Be kind to yourself.

I would though, since you recognize you are using unhealthy coping methods (alcohol and bulimia) seek out professional help in a good therapist if you are ready to take that step. Hope that helps.

I have raw flashbacks, too, and they were meaningless lightning bolts of pain until I undertook trying to find information in them with my therapist. In the physical parts, too, not just the mental parts and the memories. The idea was that this is trauma residue that needs to be digested. it couldn't be done in the moment because the trauma was too overwhelming, so the re-living is to make up for postponing it.

It didn't make my flashbacks all just go away, but it put the random in some kind of context. See if your therapist is interested.

Alexxm, I do. These disorders are rooted in anxiety and fear, so it makes sense that you would be getting the comorbid disorders, as I do. I relapsed into bulimia last night after years of being responsible for what I ate; I also have a tendency toward addiction. I try to avoid liquor and drugs because I can't just eat one potato chip; I have to eat the whole bag, you know what I'm saying? I felt ashamed of throwing up last night, but on the other hand I'm glad I got all of that inflammatory, fatty ice cream out of me. I am not going to let it get out of control. I hope you can pull in the reins, too. I try to eat healthy food most of the time. There is no guilt involved with that, and it keeps your figure slim, too. No ED required ;) I can recommend some amazing female nutrition experts for you to look into: Suzanne Sommers, Barbara Watson and Jean Carper. Exercise is a good outlet for anxiety. Try that. I went on a long walk today. I feel great. Wishing you the best. Message me if you'd like. lb