The Ism Schism is especially painful in all this. All the world's warring Isms have their voice in the current family chaos. A million Righteous Rights equal singular chaos.

if i am reading this right i think i understand the conflict of both past traditions causing pain along with personal beliefs and new ways of doing things bringing in a bunch of criss-crossing that the different family parts have conflict with. yes no?

My suggestion would be to stake out a piece of the holiday to be celebrated on your turf and in a way you can be comfortable with. I would think the goal would be to make a tradition that allows you to be part of the holiday celebration with your child/children/grandchild. A secular celebration is easy enough to do and should avoid stepping on anyone's toes. If the in-laws do a holiday dinner then Christmas eve or brunch might be possible. But since it sounds like you're not crazy about the holiday (to say the least?) then even going a little further from the day it'self might be acceptable to you.

Hope I'm not missing the point in this.

Then borrow one of somebody else's you enjoy.
Years ago when my dad found his new wife,she would take us to the movies on Christmas day. First was brunch and gift exchange, then mom left (usually in a huff) . Afterward skip took us all to the movies, before dropping us off again at home. The movies are one of the few things I remember about the day, seeing Sword in the Stone, Peter Pan...etc... These were some of the few times I was in the theater at that age.
This year I will be taking my grandsons, a quick visit at first then leave for the movie. Dinner is planned for after we get back. Then I can leave. With your new grandchild and your dialect interest maybe the classic story reading with The grandson after brunch...? Leaving you with an opportunity to exit afterwards.
It was even my parents that set this for us it was my step mom , she had one son, so it gave them an chance to get to know us without our parents influence. Which was a lot more comfortable than staying in the same house with the warring attitudes, that always seemed to happen in close quarters.

If I'm reading this right, you would like dinner at your place. Could you say to inlaws, that they been doing this for so long, it's time to relax and let someone else do all the hard work and just sit back and enjoy.
My wife finally handed the reins over to the daughter in laws and we really enjoy the less stress time.

Some years I have called myself, "The Little Dutch Girl." I just run around plugging holes in the dam(s).

I am grateful for the years I have been able to hole up with prayers and meditation. The dream-like qualities of the long nights really lend themselves to quiet pondering.

Christmas Day itself is a day that memorializes, unfortunately, many violent Christmases in my family home. No matter what we did or didn't do, every couple of years it set the old man off and his fists flew. So much for Santa.

The most recent time, as I've said here many times, was just Christmas 2010, when the old man was 80 and I was 52. I repeat it again as therapy, as I do believe what my therapist said about how repeating the unspeakable brings mastery over it. He punched me right in the face on Christmas Day. I had skipped 8 Christmas with him before, hoping to come back to an older and wiser old man. But my old man was never one to be inconsistent, I guess.

Of course, the fracas he'd start on Christmas would divide the family into squabbling factions taking sides for month until Spring every year.

So even though I'm smart enough not to go to the family home for Christmas with the old man any more these days, I still find myself waiting days at a time to exhale as I steel myself for the Big Day. It's just a PTSD habit. It's nice to be able to admit it here and not have someone call me a Scrooge who doesn't have the Christmas spirit. I actually do have it in my own way. I just have to cope with this other feeling as the Big Day approaches, too.

Thanks for posting on this each and every time. Repetition of the unspeakable brings mastery and helps us find our voice. 12 days until Christmas Eve.

i didn't put up the tree this year. but i did set out the nativity on my personal table. in fact i have been trying really hard this year to remove a lot of things that remind me of anything from the past. but i keep the nativity. not because of the relgious signifigance but because it is the one conection i have to my baby brother (all grown up now). it would be put right under the tree and he'd lay there and play with it. never knew what arrangement you find the peices in. its my little bit of hope he'll come find me one day when he realizes i'm not the evil they say i am.

i made a christmas ornament every year for my kids with their name and the year on it. by next christmas i will have a new grandson or granddaughter (first grandchild for me) so i will probably make yearly ornaments for him or her. i also have ornaments that my kids made when they were little that i still put on the tree. my other "traditions" are making super hot chex mix, baking cookies (sometimes including gingerbread men) and making cornbread dressing and my yummy green bean casserole with wild rice and water chestnuts. also gotta have the cranberry sauce in a can :) i have started making presents every year for my two kids and their significant others. this year that will consist of a few painted hoodies. except for this year my son in law will not be included because he is a butthead. yeah. it's not perfect. but it's what i have. he stopped all contact with my daughter's side of the family and now my son will not speak to or see his sister. so......this holiday has kind of sucked. i'm hoping the new baby will make my son (it's my son and his gf having a baby) get off of whatever it is that he's on and have a relationship with his sister again.
my daughter's husband threw a chair across a restaurant almost a year ago in the presence of me and my daughter. and now he's the one who's offended at everyone. yeah. it makes no sense.

I am a mixed bag myself.

I tend to favor creating a tradition of helping others- donate time at a soup kitchen, help the animals, visit abandoned elderly at a nursing home...

This time of year is the time that the forgottens need love the most...

(I am accepting donations, btw...)