Here at DS your never alone. We all care what your feeling and respect it. Shairing is strictly up to you and only when you feel comfortable. Welcome.

Scott

Not alone. I don't have a "before", it turns out. I wanted a long time to be what people call "normal". I'm in year three of therapy, meds, and so forth, and as far as I can tell, I lived with my trauma under the surface (in my mental cellar) for probably all my life.... And always will, and that is okay. If you go thru trauma and aren't affected? *THen* you are sick. Go through trauma and have it affect you? *THAT* is normal. Typical. Human.
Much support to you....

Like Leo, I don't have a "before," either, because I was a missionary kid overseas in a war zone. So I got PTSD when I was 9, and I'm 58 now. I get sick of it a lot. I was diagnosed when I was 37, and have kept to the recommended therapy, meds, and to going to a face to face support group weekly for the first 5 years after my dx.

I've been in this group for 4 years now, and this is the best I have ever done. I'm still sick and tired of having PTSD, mind you, but people here don't mind and many feel the same way. But they support me anyway, and accept the support I can give anyway, and they never abandon me. I know I'm not alone. You're not alone, either. Here people actually do know how you feel because they've been there, too. That's pretty special after what I've seen over all of these years. It's a place where you can be sick and tired of PTSD and still have your healing place. Glad you're here.

Hi, Maddie. Welcome to the forum. Afraid, you may be, but you are most certainly not alone. Whether you choose to acknowledge us, or ignore us, we are here with you. Ready to share whenever you are. I find this a good place to feel less alone with my own fears. Hope you do, too.

Welcome aboard.

Welcome Maddie! Afraid is normal but here you're never alone. It generally takes a minute but someone always responds to you. There are a lot of people here who have gone through a lot of similar experiences. Share when you're ready. We're here for you!

hugs, Maddie, welcome to the group

i don't have a before either, some of us must have a before.. i was born into trauma and it piled up.
a lot of people, (like me too), don't realise that - they don't know it, or remember it, and then a traumatic experience happens to them later in life and somehow this earlier trauma(s) insists on coming out/being remembered. that is how mine showed up.. sort of

Welcome Maddie, you are not alone in your feelings, people here understand. Vent, share whatever you want! Healing Hugs!

Welcome Maddie! You are in good company here. I do not know what your story with PTSD is, but if it helps to know, I did have a "before PTSD" I was traumatized by an event during my junior year of college, 3 years ago now. In a way that makes me very fortunate, but I can also remember a time when life was really good and I too get sick and tired of PTSD. It is really hard when you know what you have lost. A kicker, I thought I had resolved most of my PTSD about a year in, and I left therapy confidently until I "relapsed" this past June. So close and yet so far, so I feel your frustration. It has been a tough summer letting reality sink in and returning to therapy, but there is hope! We can defeat this PTSD!! And this is a great community to support you on your progress. Best wishes and welcome!

Hi Maddie and welcome to the group. I too, don't have a before. I'm not sure you can go back to "before". The path to feeling better is learning more about yourself. Strengths, weaknesses...all of it. I wish I could say it's a short journey....it's a complex one. Ups and downs. But whatever is bothering you, you can share here. There are so many wonderful, supportive people here who really care. Lean on us whenever you need to.

Thank you guys for the very warm welcome. I thought PTSD was something that I could "overcome." That was the goal of all the years of all kinds of therapies and meds. But I'm starting to think that is not how it works for me anyways. I thought I had a handle and then I start to slide, and then I'm back into the bottom of the pit again. I've had so much therapy and medication (which is ongoing), so I'm so frustrated to be floored again and again. And then I have guilt and shame, like I just need to pull my shit together and just be happy to not have died as many don't survive what I had. I'm hypervigiliant (but that has become better, it was very, very bad before), I'm depressed (this just came back), I'm anxious and I'm tired. No one around me understands and say I'm so lucky to be alive and focus on that. So then I feel ungrateful and more guilty of having PTSD. I mean, I really feel worthless now because I am very broken. I can't ever be happy again if this is what it will be like from now on. No one told me about it never really ending, just morphing. Has anyone here reached a place where they are "happy" whatever that means to you? If so, what did you do to get there?

oh the frustration and... hurt, the well meaning people cause when they think telling us things like - concentrate on how lucky you are to be alive!!!, what?? or, pull it together, so many things that throw us into despair. it is horrible what these comments do to a person in this place, where you are right now - where many of us are now. so hurtful, i'm sorry it is happening to you. it is like getting pushed, thrown, kicked into the ditch when you've just barely pulled yourself up enough to see the top, huh?
some people say we can get better, all the way better. some people say we can get better at functioning - get better at using tools that help us to live with it. we are all so different and there are constantly new things being found about ptsd - who knows? we do the best we can, and continue on - here, we support one another.
that guilt and shame are a terrible twosome and mighty difficult to throw off - i hope you are able to throw them off and the sooner the better.
i don't subscribe to the i just need to pull my shit together and be happy i didn't die - BS either. no you don't, you don't JUST need to pull your shit together, ....." you need to do whatever it is you need to do - but you don't need to do that.
and if you do that, i guarantee that it - the PTSD - will kick you a whole hell of a lot harder when it comes out, as it most asuredly will, than i twould if you instead, cut yourself a break and take some time out to be nice to you. take a break, take a bath maybe - let calgon take you away :O) whoa, i got a little carried away, hugs

often, it helps to NOT talk about it with the people who say those sorts of things to you.
talk to us, we get it and we won't say those sorts of things to you. i know some people are persistent, but, if you change the subject often enough, they may stop it.
i have had to abbreviate the amount of time i spend with most people who do that to me.
i spend a lot of time with people here and it helps me a lot.
i think we can get a lot better, and then our minds lets us have a bit more to work on when we are ready. i don't think that is never ending though. it seems if we are willing and able, we can make headway. i think we can. there are some very difficult parts to it. the not getting down on ourselves is one of the most difficult, i have found this to be true in my own battle.

I'm sorry you feel so poorly. I agree with Lilly that the well meaning people who dismiss the difficulty of our situation wind up doing a lot of harm, and frankly they are usually not worth the time. I've come to believe that the only people who can understand PTSD are the people who have it (or have had it) and those who were trained to treat it. We live in almost a whole different world sometimes, especially on the days or weeks where the PTSD is bad. Luckily everyone here is very understanding. They know what it can be like. Just take it a day at a time. It's a long process but you can improve. You can increase the good days and minimize the bad with treatment. And sometimes you need to scream into a pillow or shake the frustration out. Whatever works for you, I hope you feel better tomorrow and that this community can help.

Welcome to the group. I think. I had a before but it is so hard to remember because it has been so long since I've done anything just for myself. My therapist had me write a list of the things I used to do for enjoyment and things I've always wanted to do. I've found that it has at least allowed me to remember things I want to teach my son.