Okay...maybe. Maybe it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been "so stupid".

That doesn't make it your fault.

Looking back on my life...I've raped...well let's see. I've been stupid a lot. Heck my kids were stupid last night...

...But I didn't rape them!!! Not even once... I've had them in my house for 17 years...nope. Not once.

So put the fault where it lies...right on the head of whoever raped you. That's not one of those opps I forgot to put the milk away sorts of mistakes.

So maybe learn from your mistake (IF you made one) and don't do whatever you did again...but ALSO don't blame yourself.

My two cents, Patti

I'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with so much. I applaud you for tackling things and taking up that book.

For me, I sometimes try to reframe things. Rape is an illegal, immoral act. So is stealing someone's money.

So... someone was in no state to keep proper track of their wallet. Does that make it okay to steal their money? No.

Then... someone was just holding cash out in the open. Everyone could see it. Does that make it okay to snatch out of their hand? No.

Well... someone is known for giving money to charity and homeless people. They just give it away! Does that mean I can go and steal their money? No.

But... someone was in a place where money is often exchanged. They might have been looking to spend money. Does that mean it's okay to steal their money? No.

No matter the circumstances, everyone is responsible for their own actions. No possible situation or choice would have forced someone to rape you. Just like there is no situation or choice where the only reasonable next step is for someone to steal money from me.

Whatever happened - they made the wrong, immoral, illegal choice. No exceptions.

Very best of luck with the book. Don't be too hard on yourself that you can't snap your fingers and be in the mental place the book wants you to be. It's a process. Much support to you.

Nooy and Patti expressed what I would tell you, Triple hugs of support and I am sorry for your pain~

gentle hugs and welcome xo

Actually I think Nooy said it better than me...but I tried. ;p

I'm chiming in to echo what patti and Nooy said. I was blamed and shamed very harshly by my family for being molested as a boy. After went to my mom for help once it had happened, I never got to occupy the place in the family system I had occupied before. My younger sister was "promoted" to that place in the family system instead, and I was marginalized as damaged goods. That decision stuck all through adulthood, and at the end of their lives I was cut out of my parents' will, with all of their property going to my sister instead of me. She let me know how delighted she was upon inheriting twice her share, hers and mine both.

The reason was repeated weekly when I was growing up, and sometimes I got beatings for further punishment for having been molested. Then in adulthood it was brought up again at every family gathering like my visits back to see my parents at Christmas. The message was reinforced by the fact that my father was an important pastor, too, so the weight of the church was brought to bear on the family's judgment of me.

Since its messaging that I was shameful and to blame never let up at home or at church, forgiving myself turned out to be something I couldn't do until I got free of my family. That's when I saw how absurd it all was, and it was about something in their own pasts that they hadn't reckoned with. It had nothing to do with me and what had happened to me.

If anyone was to blame it was them, not me. At that time my parents were missionaries overseas, and we moved 13 times in 12 years of my schooling. I now think there was untreated mental illness in my parents because we moved a lot even for missionaries. I believe my parents were running from their own problems.

What it led to was my being the new kid at a new school every year, often in a new country with a new language. The travel was often an adventure, and I learned to speak new languages. But there was a downside, too. Eventually, that left me vulnerable to when a pedophile preyed upon me and 4 other kids in my elementary school.

I saw the movie The Prince of Tides years ago, based on the true story in the book by Pat Conroy, and I saw how that happened to him as another guy in a family in service overseas, in his case military service. That helped me see objectively how it was the situation, not me, that was to blame. It also helped me see how fiercely a southern family like his and mine would fight to keep a "dirty secret" like that, even if the cover up was destroying their own child.

Forgive yourself. It really was not your fault at all. Honest to God.

I agree with everything that's been said above: It definitely wasn't your fault.
Placing the blame where it belongs to (and that's always the perpetrator, never you), is one step to healing. I wonder if you can feel angry towards the perp? To me, feeling angry was and is what allowed and allows me to blame them instead of myself.
Supporting hugs as you find the right way for you.