Yesterday was a lot and it's still weighing heavily on me this morning. 

I want to feel better.

I felt like I was full of fear last night, compelled to walk but stepped outside and saw people so I went back in and waited for it to get darker. I still saw people but not as many so I walked.....and walked....and walked. My friend texted me and brought me back down to earth just telling me about her challenging day. That was really nice because one thing she said was that sometimes it's just hard to sit with herself a the end of the day. She lost it and had to apologize to her kids but she still felt awful.

I lost it becasue of ptsd symptoms and thankfully wasn't told to apologize, but I still felt awful. I met with my therapist after treatment and he saw the anxiety on me and asked about it. Rather than continuing to pull me down a road that was a hard one to travel in that moment, he asked if I'd be up for being led through a mindfullness technique and it did help a little. It feels very silly but it helped. ANd then dinner and thoughts and feelings and I walked, a lot. I wanted to run but my lungs have had a challenging few days between asthma and crying. So I walked. That's self care, except I'm not supposed to workout right now. Then I got home hungry and ate a banana. That's self care. But I still feel crazy when I'm filled with fear. I'm not crazy though. I'm afraid. I learned to be afraid a long time ago and I hit the end of my rope with having an optimistic perspective. I'm not even thinking some days and my whole body is tense and I can hardly breathe if I just try walking to my car. I've never been so thankful for the days my kiddo is with her Dad. It's no longer Tuesday. I'm trying to leave Tuesday behind but....it's a challenge. I'm not sure I feel energized for today but I'm going to show up anyways.