Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Hello, just joined the website and this group. My brother lost his 21 year old stepson to alcohol and heroin addiction -- on Christmas morning 2011 my brother found him dead in his apartment. There had been threats of his suicide but it's likely the cause was tainted heroin. Four months later my brother found his wife (the stepson's mother) dead from her alcoholism. She had basically given up hope and sobriety with her son's death, and had told my brother she wanted to join her son.
After the 2 funerals my brother said he was going to pursue some counseling or a grief support group, but has hasn't. Rather he says those close to him are providing the help he needs.
Our mom is a stubborn 91 year old matriarch. She has been wonderfuly healthy until cracking a pelvic bone last October and there have been several falls since. After rehab, she has returned to resolutely live on her own in the family home. Last week she declared to the home health care nurse that she didn't need her help anymore and this was relayed to me by the Social Worker of the team. (The nurse heads the health care team, without her the other physical/occupational therapy services don't happen. And Mom has been resistant to most of the care and recommendations, she slowly is becoming more compliant.)
I called my brother to tell him what was reported to me and it has inflated, sadly, into a proverbial game of "telephone." My brother insists that I said Mom said she doesn't want to live anymore -- the next morning he called Mom in a panic, Mom went into her own panic wondering who of the team was saying what about her. I'm sure of what I said to my brother -- the word "live" never even came out of my mouth but it seems cruel and unproductive to argue that with my brother. I talked with Mom about it when she had calmed down and she agrees that my brother is (involuntarily) projecting his horrible experiences and anxiety to ratchet up Mom's situation. In fact when Mom first went to the hospital in October, my brother's reaction was, understandably, he couldn't go thru another family tragedy in under a year.
Long post, I know -- thanks for reading. I'm open to advice on how to handle all this, my Mom beginning her declining health, and brother's apparent PTSD from the 2 tragic deaths. Look forward to your inputm
After the 2 funerals my brother said he was going to pursue some counseling or a grief support group, but has hasn't. Rather he says those close to him are providing the help he needs.
Our mom is a stubborn 91 year old matriarch. She has been wonderfuly healthy until cracking a pelvic bone last October and there have been several falls since. After rehab, she has returned to resolutely live on her own in the family home. Last week she declared to the home health care nurse that she didn't need her help anymore and this was relayed to me by the Social Worker of the team. (The nurse heads the health care team, without her the other physical/occupational therapy services don't happen. And Mom has been resistant to most of the care and recommendations, she slowly is becoming more compliant.)
I called my brother to tell him what was reported to me and it has inflated, sadly, into a proverbial game of "telephone." My brother insists that I said Mom said she doesn't want to live anymore -- the next morning he called Mom in a panic, Mom went into her own panic wondering who of the team was saying what about her. I'm sure of what I said to my brother -- the word "live" never even came out of my mouth but it seems cruel and unproductive to argue that with my brother. I talked with Mom about it when she had calmed down and she agrees that my brother is (involuntarily) projecting his horrible experiences and anxiety to ratchet up Mom's situation. In fact when Mom first went to the hospital in October, my brother's reaction was, understandably, he couldn't go thru another family tragedy in under a year.
Long post, I know -- thanks for reading. I'm open to advice on how to handle all this, my Mom beginning her declining health, and brother's apparent PTSD from the 2 tragic deaths. Look forward to your inputm
Be compassionate and understanding. Your brother's reactions to things are heightened and may seem overreactive to you, but are actually typical for a person under a great deal of overwhelming stress.
I don't know if your brother drinks or uses drugs either, but if he does, this will be a major obstacle for him in the grieving process. Alcohol and drugs numb out the emotions and prevent a person from dealing effectively with their grief. The grieving process can take a very long time, especially in these circumstances.
Don't ignore your own grief either. You lost a nephew, a sister-in-law, and now you are dealing with your mother's declining health. One thing that can help you and your brother is to be honest about the pain you feel as well.
When I grieved the loss of a set of twins, my family was grieving as well. My husband thought he had to be strong and not talk about how much it hurt him as well. I needed to know that I wasn't alone in my pain. I know he didn't want to pile his feelings on top of me, but I really needed him to tell me how he felt, too. Once he finally did (because I screamed at him and accused him of not caring), I finally was able to grieve with less intensity because I no longer felt isolated and alone in it.
I hope this helps you!
Love and Hugs,
JillieBean
Your brother is feeling a lot more than just pain. He may be feeling a lot of guilt and anger as well. Its very possible that he feels guilty for not being able to stop his wife from drinking herself to death. He may be angry at her for doing so and feel guilty for feeling angry. He may be angry that this has happened to him and now he has to deal with your mother when he doesn't have much emotional strength left. And you can a healthy dose of self-blame on that as well.
He is also afraid. Probably more so than what a typical person would be if all they had to deal with was an aging parent. He obviously does not trust his ability to handle it.
For your brother, the world seems to be crashing down around him and his loved ones are disappearing right and left. It's confusing, maddening, terrifying, and intensely disturbing.
As I said, be as compassionate as you can be. Educate yourself on the grieving process and also the effects of drug addiction and alcoholism on the family. He's got a lot going on. Don't try to force him. Don't blame him or shame him for what is happening to him. This will only make him feel worse and pull away from you.
Encourage him. Mention grief counseling when he seems to be in a good space emotionally. Make sure he knows you are there for him and that you understand how frightening it is for him to face your Mom's declining health.
Just thought I would add that. Hope it helped, too!
Thank you too for the reminder to be careful about the timing of talking to him about grief counseling. I'd offer to join a group with him but he may want more privacy than that.
As for my loss, it happened 14 years ago. My husband is now my ex, but it had nothing to do with losing our twins. We went on to have a beautiful daughter together the following year. Our relationship had other issues. I was a drug addict and he needed someone to fix. When I got sober and healthy, he fell apart. It didn't take us long to figure out that our relationship was completely based on those circumstances and when those issues no longer existed, we didn't have anything more than a friendship. We were no longer attracted to one another.
We have remained friends and we co-parent our daughter without any major issues. He spends holidays at my house because he has no other family here. He even has a key to my house in the event of an emergency. We did find healing and we have moved on to a better way of relating that we were capable of when we were married.
Just be honest with your brother. Tell him you hurt for him and his loss and you want to support him in any way you can. Ask him to tell you what that might be. Lend him an ear when he needs to talk, even if you've heard it all before.
I can see you love him deeply and that you hurt for him. You're a great brother.
Jillie
My apologies for attempting to change your gender, there.