Thanks for posting about what sounds like another milestone in a long drawn-out process for your mother, your family, and for you. So sorry about the long suffering that has been involved for her, for you, and for your family. May this all be headed toward the end of suffering in peace. Thoughts are with you.

Muji

All at the speed of life. Today's medical science can keep us breathing for a very long time.

I still hope for peaceful resolution, buttttaaa...

14 x 12 = ocd cynicism? She is only 84.

p-wording.

lost both my parents young cannot relate but life has a process and you seem fairly able to deal with it from your posts,, sorry you are having challenges

Yes, you never know. I know what you mean by "only 84." My dad's that age and going strong. His dad went strong until 95!

But it being hospice and all, you never know. When I was a hospital chaplain I had a nice little elderly lady who'd had heart surgery but was bouncing back nicely. She was a Spanish/English bilingual like me, and we became delightfully attached. One day I went to visit her, though, and her room was empty. Just like that.

She wasn't even my kin, but it really took me aback that I'd not thought my last "so long" might be "good bye." It being hospice and all as you mentioned, that came to mind, just speaking for myself from that personal experience on my end. We all deal with things in our own way and time, though, to be sure.

14 years of monthly near death experiences. I have said good-bye several times during all that drama. In the twenty four hours since I received the news I have pretty much decided to let it be just another flashback. It really isn't all that different than what she has fed me my entire life.

She is, of course, undiagnosed by psychiatry, but the popular general theory is narcissism. She treated all eleven of us worker bees in her grand schemes. Far too perfect for diagnosis.

I think my goal of the latest installment is honest compassion for the illness with honest addressing of personal injuries. My good-byes have been said. I still wish her peace.

Thanks for the support everyone. I am not as stable as my over-compensating grammar makes it sound.

she sounds a lot like my mother arfie. she's 78 and was approved for hospice like 4 years ago. hospice meaning that the doctor was sure that she had less than 6 months to live. i struggle with that urge for "noble forgiveness" myself. but i have resigned myself to mostly avoidance at this point. but i totally agree with the comments of others who say to do what you need to do for YOU. if it would make you feel better to see her, do it. but do it on your terms.
*peace*

It's an incredibly tough time to go thru and feelings will bounce all over the place.both of my parents have passed.i wasnt there for about 7 years prior to both of their passing.I had distanced myself already.the guilt never leaves my side,not for a day.But I did have my reasons.eh..sometimes your damned no matter what.thats how I feel.I wish you some courage and strength for the months ahead with your mom's illness.

I'm sorry, Arfie.

One thing I learned a long time ago, and it was specifically about dying family members, is that you need to do whatever it is that YOU can live with -- what brings YOU the most peace.

Of course, that's trite and true, but ... in your heart of hearts, and in your quietest, most introspective moments, I believe you'll know what's right for you.

Best of luck.

The mention of narcissism and dying loved ones reminded me of the last time I saw my grandfather I mentioned, the one who lived to be 95. I was named after him, but never got close to him, try as I might. He was the family narcissist. The last time I saw him, I picked him up at his nursing home and took him to a big family Thanksgiving dinner.

We sat him at the head of the family Thanksgiving table, but his interest was elsewhere, where it had always been. Mind you, he was 95 by now, but after a little while he got bored, signaled for me to come over to him. I leaned in to him only to have him ask me if there wasn't a strip joint near by that I could take him to instead of being at the Thanksgiving dinner.

Now that's a lifelong commitment to narcissism. A few months later he had died as he had lived.

im sorry, give yourself some space and sort yor feelings

i dont know what else to say

Great story, Muji. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Grandpa's watering hole was elsewhere.

My mother was narcissistic, too, most likely from her paranoid schizophrenia. She wanted to die all my life. Every slight illness or change in weather was grim reaper time. I got to where I didn't believe her when she was "dying" at least a dozen times a month times the 65 years I knew her. She rallied but had us daughters right where she wanted us: at her call, like frogs ready to hop.

When she finally died peacefully in her sleep with a few days of warning, I had chosen not to be there. Couldn't guarantee this time would be it and wasn't going to get caught in the drama vortex again. I've never regretted my decision.

Do most people die like they live? I tend to believe so. But we kids of abuse seem to hope for a better ending than the way we've all had to live. Mental illness has sad endings; no Rockwell painting or Hallmark cards for mentally ill families.

I'd love to hear a story with a different ending, if it's out there.

May you find the peace you are seeking, Arfie. My best of wishes go with you.

I've had relatives enter hospice and the care was so good, they got better and was discharged. End of life can be a grey area and can go on for quite sometime.

My hope is that you can have peace of mind and serenity throughout the process... Or at least give yourself permission to experience some peace. My thoughts are with you.