Not letting my abusers win. Which is so highly contextual that it ends up having no meaning outside my emotional whatevers, but... A guaranteed way to keep me going? Is to tell me it would make "them" the winners. My reaction is always, "Hell no!" ....
Then again, I can give up *some* fight... Some of the need to be able to Control, Cope, Manage, is aprt of my "fight".... b/c "they" had all that over me for so long. So I fear going too far into that, lest they win after all by turning me into them....

Yeah, that's very cogent. *facepalm*

I think, however, my fight is changing. I catch myself more often lately realizing the fight is not merely to "defeat" something but to "win" something. Today, peace of mind by leaving a crowded town hall event when triggered, and just walking outside, and letting myself just... go home, calm down, relax, self-care. Reframing, sot hat it's about my success instead of not-them-ness. I think(?).

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me to accept the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

I used this to try not to force my will on to another person by trying 'to help them', codependent behavior. If the didn't welcome/use my un=asked for 'advice/help' then I would become angry, frustrated or feel I'd done something wrong. More times than not, I'd feel worthless or victium because 'I needed to fix' rather than 'them being open to changing themselves'...Thank God Ive learned can't change no one, just me and my perception of self and others...make my own needed adjustments to live in as much positive and peaceful life I can. When depressed I shut down to no stimulation/conversation/going out in public....numbness and isolation are 'fight' behaviors.

I spoke as a guest speaker at a church today about "the wisdom to know the difference." Big with me to learn that. When to fight, when to let it go.

I spoke about when, as a hospital chaplain in a Chicago ER, I had to help trauma patients fight for their lives, lots of them people with gunshot wounds from real fights, gang gun fights.

Then there was a time when I had to turn my team of doctors and nurses away and tell them to let go because a patient refused a life saving blood transfusion on true religious grounds--not my religion, but his.

In divorce, I learned there was a time not to fight, a time to let go. My therapist gave me this book.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004FN1SGS/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

The wisdom as to when to do which is still a work in progress for me. To "know when to hold 'em, & when to fold 'em" is the whole game, right?
The Gambler Kenny Rogers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6X7Sx62plCw

For my hyper metabolism, fighting is a very literal and physical term. I don't feel safe to use "fight" metaphorically. I need a safety switch for my fight instincts, especially when my hyper-vigilance is triggered. I don't believe there is any such thing as a "Clean Fight." Corner me into a fight and I already feel dirty. I'm just looking for the most efficient route to the shower. It'd be more efficient to walk around you, but if you insist. . .

Thanks for sharing yours, guys. I find it interesting how many different actions a single verb can have.

Been grieving the death of my older (1 1/2 years) brother. He was a naturally passive people pleaser. "A wimp" in 60's mean girl vernacular. It never helped his social status a bit when little sis came to the rescue. Mine, either.

To me the fight' meant surviving what I experienced as a kid and in my violent marriage to my sons father. It also meant battling against injustice done towards me and my kids in the family courts against social services. In recent times it means challenging my addictions. However I found I could not do the last one without 'surrender'. What a paradox. Because I have to surrender to the fact I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable because of it. I have to let go of all my old ideas that kept me drinking myself into a slow suicide. I have to submit to the Power of That which is greater than me to help me heal my addictions. Thats what 'giving up the fight' means to me. Defeated by my ego and self will run riot, I am now turning my life and will over to Him Upstairs. Of course there are incidences in life you absolutely must fight against with all the might you possess. Then there are things you should flee from at all costs. And then there are situations where you just have to 'go with the flow'. It is discerning which way I should go with any given situation that's so difficult for me.

Mrl thanks for sharing the Serenity Prayer. I'm saying that 100 times a day at the moment lol.

Good chow for a mental chew Arfie

Best, Manda xxx

And I'm sorry about your loss. I have an anniversary my self tomorrow. Grief is a strange companion. Hugs if you will accept them mate. Xoxox

My aversion to touch remains quite strong, but I have, indeed, learned that hugs are good medicine. I still takes it like a natural born fighter, but I takes my medicine. Meds still confuse me. Euphemisms always sound like double talk to me. Is we fucking or is we loving? Yes, the two are compatible, but far from the same. Don't fuck with me when loving is what I need.

All hugs gratefully accepted, Manda.

such a great question, arf. yeah, i think i've been trying to let the fight go for such a long time now

a few, the one, that battle to try to understand why. i don't do that one now. i think i don't.

and the one to figure out my health - to know what's wrong.

To me, "giving up the fight" made my life more about how I live, than how I die.