Sorry about ur anxiety. I hope it settles soon. Hugs

Thank you, Sarah. Is it progress that I am enjoying productive time between the episodes?

I know what you're saying here. I didn't so much feel bored rather un-alive. Maybe the same thing but I remember worrying I was incapable of feeling for others when I wasn't feeling for myself during those times. Of course I did but it still bothered me. This past year, I had grief all along but in intervals too and I've never welcomed that content so much in my life.

Furthermore gossip and drama went with it all too. I don't know if I'm "cured", but as it stands I'm impatiently waiting for the intervals and woefully hoping for remission completely.

Me again lol. Just a theory and with zero judgement...i wonder if it's a case of ptsd and all it's symptoms having made a person as unique as they are, they've identified with it or maybe believe it identifies them? Who is a person without their identity? Hence the boredom? I know I am, without a doubt, less musically inclined and I never pick up a paintbrush when things are going "well". I'm zapped of any meaningful creativity. See where I'm going with This?

My guess...probably...yeah.

i see that in myself too, what jenny said about painting and the having to sing. more the painting though. when i am needing to feel extreme emotions.

... in the past, feels like trying to pull a thread out here, i was not allowed to express emotions - to show them, voice them or, you knwo? i could paint to point of ridiculousness as far as time wehnt. just paint non stop - have several projects going at one time. produce, but that's not what it was, it wasn't prodcueing it was..what, more birthing these ideas or things i'd seenin my minds' eye forever, that came into being then. wohkay. yes.

but i didn't connect to the idea that then, being bored between these times. interesting to think about. i know creating doesn't happen until it's time. and that i don't choose when. i did sort of begin to get that it was a me thing and noticed it happen big time around a significant loss.

so, yes. listening and hearing you, arf xo

p.s. lol : )
i like the quiet head time at the moment. i think it is because i wasn't allowed any. i didn't get my own head space - didn't give myself permission to require it until 3 or so yrs ago.

changing the wording to make the sentence more accurate.

"Chaos junkie" and "Adrenaline junkie" are terms I bumped into allot during group discussions of self-sabotage, etc. I don't know that I crossed the line into addiction, but I certainly developed a taste for the high action drama of a dysfunctional life, especially on that creative end. There is no doubt that trauma heightens the creative drive in my own life.

Now, if only I could finish the creative projects I begin. . . Oh, those pesky details. . .

I often wonder if developing a taste for ***? ? ?boredom? ? ? serenity? ? ? peace? ? ? would be the key to finishing a few of those uncounted creative projects I started and never finished.

*** Still looking for the right word for this particular ^it^.

Much support while you work through it. Many years ago a therapist told me that because of my upbringing I could be addicted to drama. Well drama gets old after a while. Try substituting a bit a of adventure I think. I also did a mindful meditation CBT course which helped. Haven't jumped out of an aeroplane yet but try to live a full life but also try to accept when I can't. I'm sure you will work it out. You have a lot of insight. Good luck x