Hi. I've also been severely disabled, many years ago, and blamed myself. Thought I was 'lazy' when I couldn't cope. Some days, I thought it was fantastic, if I had a shower. Or maybe kept one appointment. These days I'm a lot better than that, have a part time job. But I still lack motivation for things I love, like drawing and music. The thing is, I no longer blame mysef. I hope you, too, can give yourself a break and realise you're disabled for the time being.

Hi, Nellie. I am sorry for your disability. I might seem intrusive, but what was/ is your disability, is it ptsd also?

I don't know if to call c-ptsd a disability for me yet. I know it has limited me for the time being. I know i need a job, part-time like yours. I don't know how to go back into the working field just yet. Thing is, i don't know what to choose though i do have some idea of what's good for me. Anyways, i have a feeling that you are right- maybe i should take this time off.

I wonder, does God allow humanity to suffer from diseases/disorders to become closer to Him? Lately, my mind has gotten into the thinking that what we have endured as abuse and has left the mind and body impacted, is it fair? Is it fair that for those who hurt us should be able to prosper? I know that in the Word of God,psalms 36-37, it focuses a lot on the wicked and sin and the consequences for both the wicked and believers. Is it a fault of mine that because of my jagged faith, i got this? Abuse is abuse, anyway you put it and its wrong for anyone to endure it. I don't really know where i am going to, but isn't ptsd like a punishment for those who strayed off the path?

I can ramble on and on but i think you get what I am saying...

I relate. Personally, every day I feel like I am fighting myself. Yet in the end, I also know that physically and emotionally, I can only push myself so far. Too far and I collapse.

You will find the right balance in time. Take it slow until then and try to be as gentle with yourself as you are able.

Finding KatB, I think you would really enjoy and get a different glimpse of God if you would get ahold of some John and Stasi Eldredge books. Also, Don Nori.

If we were in the OT (pre-Jesus) and were dependent on our self-strength, self-will, we would be doing just that, realizing the futility in trying to be good enough. We're not capable. That's why Jesus came. It never is about how 'good' we can be, it is how much we realize we're falling short and loving Jesus all the more because He took care of it all, for us.

Regarding your original post, I, too, am 'all over the place' - physically and emotionally and mentally. Once upon a time, I could tackle anything and knock out serious amounts of work and organize and conquer, etc. Now, I know only too well what you're talking about. I have so many things I want to do that I have no clarity so I don't do anything. We've (drs and I) have proven it is NOT depression. However, my cortisol is raging high. I am stuck in fight/flight - so no wonder I feel like I'm all over the place.

I had a moderately emotionally and psychologically abusive mother (although I still love her very much, may she rest in peace).

My dad was a passive alcoholic but we lived in a highly codependent household where we shouted at one another a whole lot and we threw things.

I had some other types of abuse, but not a lot of phyisical.

That cycle of abuse appears to be a cyclical thing-The abuser is so out of control with themselves and they feel so inferior and out of control-it appears to build-It scares me how this trend starts.

For the types of abuse that I did recieve (emotional, psychological and sexual) it appears that I have had to work through several psychoses.

My psychoses generally involve a breakdown of severe crying and one time, I drove my blood pressure up to 165/95. The hospital had to give me blood pressure medicine. I then disassociate and I cannot drive, have trouble walking and I take anti p's, heavy mood stabilizers or anticonvulsants and gain tons of weight.

This current psychotic breakdown took over 7 years time to get over, with recurrent episodes of back-logging. Now, I am the one who is starting to act like mother did. I am stronger, but I am still not where I need to be.

Don't blame yourself for what is happening and be patient with yourself because what you are enduring takes time to heal. Although my situations were different, I still know what it is like to be traumatized.

I know FindingKat. Especially in the early stages of my recovery, and even in different phases later on, I just felt paralyzed sometimes. Routine things like paying bills were enormous efforts. When I eventually got to doing it, I felt so proud of just being able to take care of myself in the most simple way. I thought other people just didn't understand that sort of thing, but what you said shows me I was wrong. You and lots of others here totally do. Thanks for posting this.