Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I have PTSD after multiple children died and our crew was wrongfully blamed and publicly shamed for the deaths by their parents. 5 of us left our jobs from this incident. I haven't been able to work since. This same year I found a 37 year old girl dead in her home after her mother had called and asked me to check up on her. This being as difficult as it was it was enough pain for me to see I needed to leave a very abusive relationship.
I am writing today because my journey coping with life through PTSD has been tremendously difficult. I'll admit that my life wasn't easy before the incident but I coped. This incident has exacerbated a string of complex PTSD from my childhood. I scare easy, I continue to allow abuse to take place in my life, I freeze, I dissociate.
Most people around me would call me the good girl, a helper, kind. But I don't know that I am kind. I think this was just the way I learned to survive as a child. I came from an abusive and very poor family and I learned to cope by taking care of other people. I went into the helping profession. From there I "helped" a 'lost cause', my sociopathic ex, because of my childhood patterns having lived with a biological father that fits on the specturm of psychopathy.
After my work-PTSD-incident I went for a massage and the therapist was rubbing his erection on me. I froze and literally couldn't speak. I couldn't move. Months after, a friend that I thought I knew well... we went on a date. We got to the house and he forced himself on me. I posted the details of the incident on a feed in another chat here and people are calling it rape. I thought I was pregnant when I was a month late. He knew very clearly that I did not want to have sex because I knew I had an unhealthy attachment style and I knew I wasn't well.
I still have to speak with my ex because he lives in my house - he is too broke to move. He's lost multiple/multiple jobs. I went there two weeks ago and he held me down and raged at me for hours. Saying I was a bitch and a whore. That nobody wanted me and it was my fault that I got "raped", that that never happened. He said that "I bleed vulnerability" "but not the pathetic kind" "I will keep abusing you until you get it in your head that you need to protect yourself". This ex triggers subserviance in me because he is similar to my dad but not as bad. I freeze around this person.
I am upset with myself for freezing as a coping mechanism. I dissociate heavily. I did this as a child to survive but this PTSD incident at work and finding a dead body off work has made my ability to protect myself so much more difficult. Even after years and years of healing.
I feel at a loss. I've been doing psychotherapy every week for 9 months. This has been an incredible help but it doesn't seem to matter how much I learn or grow or have mindfulness/mediation. I continue to fall into very deep patterning. I feel so discouraged.
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
In general biology, the 4 F's, "Freeze, Fawning, Flight and Fight" are considered a standard part of any life form complex enough to have a survival instinct. In animals (including humans), long-term abuse and/or neglect will result in an over-developed survival instinct, AKA PTSD. My own hyper-active nature makes far more prone to "Flight or Fight" than "Freeze" but I buy the notion that which of the 4F's dominate depends allot on the nature of the beast. My hyper-active metabolism makes it hard for me to stay frozen for very long.
After decades of psychotherapy, I understand all too well how discouraging the tedium of dealing with the psycho ticks of PTSD can be. My still prevalent wish for *A Cure* continues to make me an easy mark for the snake oil sales force, I find my hope and encouragement within my therapy support network. This very forum is one of the nodes on that network. It helps.
Hope it helps you, too. Welcome aboard.
Thank you Arfie, that does clarify. It would seem I am a freeze and fawn at my most instinctual level. lol how annoying. It has kept me momentarily "safe" as a child but in the long run its debilitating. Guess sometimes we just have to name the problem. Maybe down the road I will find more long-term solutions for re-wiring my biology. Thanks for sharing your reality that it is just difficult to find a "cure" for deep rooted patterning. It seems changing your environment and limiting triggers is the best bet. But to expect a cure is Mount Everest.
Much appreciated you guys.
Being myself, just the way nature made me, is not so bad when I work with it instead of against it. In my own case, being aware that my survival instinct is over-developed and putting my focus on ways to calm the hyper-vigilant nature of an over-developed survival instinct has been allot more effective than looking for a cure for the common me.
We are all works in progress. . .
A cure? I wish. Ability to live more calmly? Well, I'm getting there, and so are many others here, one step at a time. Welcome to the journey. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
So give yourself some credit.
My dad was able to sneak his mental illness past the US headquarters of his mission board 4 times so he could live in a combat zone as cover for his untreated bipolar disorder. He'd beat us in the house once a week, though, so it was your choice to survive a beating in the house or take your chances with the bullets and bombs outside.
I married 2 abusive partners until therapy taught me I was repeating the only intimacy patterns I knew from having been a war child. Once I learned what that meant in therapy was when it got harder with my hospital kids rather than easier, ironically.
Sending you lots of support. Sorry for what happened to you because I do get it, but so glad you found us.
"Truly kind people do not come out of fawn-and-fear environments unless they are TRULY KIND"
...touched my heart. Thank you!
It's also nice to hear someone else relate to fawning. Someone once said to me if everyone in a community threw their problems into one big pile and then had to pick 3 or 4 again, would we pick the same problems?
... I don't know... But I would choose fawning again.... because I feel like it does release feel good hormones and everyone can win. We've got to fawn ourselves too!
I'm really sorry about your sister and your dad. We do relate that way. It's painful as all hell. You're also not alone. Sending lots of love and support your way. I appreciate your support and help and I hope you find that inner calm and peace because you deserve it.
Thank you deeply for your comments about children – it is a visceral, unnatural experience, isn’t it? And with your history I imagine it was loaded with triggers. How you did it for 10 years I have no idea?
My psychotherapist taught me I was creating my childhood… in my relationships AND in my career. I worked in environments with tons of chaos, tons of responsibility, no resources, and no leadership… this was wildly profound for me to learn. Since that day I couldn’t turn back. I couldn’t recreate. As I said above, apparently I do fall back into old patterning… and I am learning those triggers may always be there. But if I can name it and call it for what it is, in the future I will recognize it sooner. Leave sooner and revamp my environment to a place of safety.
I appreciate all your help and support. Take care – C
Isn't it beautiful that we can choose a better life for ourselves? Once we learn it exists. ...This website is really cathartic and it is genuinely helpful to express myself. I appreciate the support.