I was previously posting under anxiety but I recently was diagnosed with PTSD do to a number of incidents that happened over my life.  I feel silly just now seeking help but I really just always was keeping my head above water both physically, emotionally, and financially.  My therapist says I have PTSD from the following: 1) The death of both grandparents- since I am a nurse I was expected to provide care to both, was with both when they passed away.  Because I moved in with my grandfather I gave up an apartment and lost a friendship over it.  The therpist felt as if my parents should have not placed that responsibility on me. 2) I had a baby at the age of 27(I will be 50). My daughter's father moved to England and I raised her by myself. 3) I met some when my daughter was 4, we got married and shortly after he stopped working forcing me to work more and more, eventually he filed for divorce because he didn't want to work. My divorce was brutal. It took 8 years to divorce a 6 year marriage. In the divorce I had to fight for everything, I paid support to him for 6 months, provided health insurance, and fought over absolutely nothing but debt that was used to support his business. 4) During that same time I was forced back to school to get a Master's degree or I would have lost my position 5) At the same time of the divorce and the schooling my daughter attempted suicide and then 1 year later overdosed on heroin and I had to give her CPR to save her life.  6) I also had to move twice during that time and could only rent.  Now here I am going on to 50 years olds and I am finally able to buy a house.  I should be happy but I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I just can't relax and I always assume that something will happen to derail whatever it is I am going that is pleasant.

The therapist said that my feelings about everything is very disassociated.  I have never thought about like that.  People at work say I am a hard ass but I have had no other choice but to be strong and tough.  So now I am working changing and it is not comfortable.  At my next visit I will be working on replacing constant drama with things that I like to do. I do like things but I can never just let things be the way should be without stressing.  For example, if I garden I have to put everything into the garden all at once in a particular order and it has to be done in one shot.  My friend who also gardens takes pleasure in taking her time with planting.

Another stressor in my life that does not seem be getting better is my daughter.  My daughter has big time anger issues.  Her outburst are unpredictable and often involve throwing things, cursing, and at times she has smacked me.  She is a talented makeup artitst and license cosmetologist who does not work in the profession.  our relationship is strained at best as she feels I am to blame for everything wrong with her life including forcing her to go to school and get licensed.  She refuses therapy which everyone including her friends have recommended and I feel it is because she is afraid she may hear things that puts ownership onto her.  Her new claim is that I hate her.  I really don't hate her at all and I also do not think she feels that way but is saying that because I gave her no option but to grow up, get a job, and start contributing to her own expenses. That is what she hates and of coarse it is my fault for making her get a job.

I am not sure how I can focus on getting over the PTSD if I am always worried about her and the drama in her life.

Thanks for listening any offerings of advice is appreciated.

Harley