I hadn’t known that a lady from church was divorced and had already been remarried for four years. Her son is about my kids age and has gone to my son’s parties. So, I saw her kiss the new tenor in the choir on the lips and asked my friend about it. Her ex- husband and her new husband are the main tenors in the choir and she also joined the choir. This is a Catholic Church, btw, and although don’t agree with the teaching on divorce, I didn’t know why I was feeling upset about this divorce. It almost felt like my parents had gotten divorced or something.

She has a good voice, but hasn’t learned all the parts yet. One practice, I was a bit creeped out as her ex husband and husband openly competed over the same solo. She said, venomously, “the choir director better give Sancho (not his real name) that solo!” There’s also family arrangements being discussed in the choir room, the kids are always there, and I felt more uncomfortable. Besides asking my friend who gives me a ride home about the situation, and not telling her how I feel, I said once, “she’s throwing me off tonight,” but stopped immediately because I know they are friends. I guess I had been a little hurt that they were leaving me out of a conversation that night. 

So, Easter comes. She (Jane) helps me with my music that morning even though I didn’t ask her to do so. A teen comes to sing and asks if she can look on with me. I come out and sit in the alto section of the front row. I wonder where Jane is. I see a dirty tissue on a seat and just think it was trash from the last service, but little did I know it’s Jane’s and she was using it to save a seat; that probably was one strike against me.  I’d been getting past my feelings and talking to her. As I stand up, I realize the shorter layer of my dress had ridden up a bit too much and pull it down. I get some pretty awful side eye from a lady in the front row. The choir director asks me and Jane (who had insisted on sitting there) to switch seats. I feel humiliated because of my dress. Jane seems to love the attention.

so, I’m singing at a lower volume than usual because I’m bummed. I sing at my normal volume for a pretty ordinary song that’s not even an anthem as I cheer up. Jane turns around, very snippy in my opinion, and in a loud voice using director’s hand gestures, says “Sing SOFTER.” I get kind of mad at how rude and inappropriate, in my opinion, that is, but don’t respond until after the service.

”Don’t direct me.” I say to her, kind of like, what the heck?? She yells back, “Then YOU can just GET OUT of here!” I have this moment, like oh my god she believes she owns the choir and she probably kind of does. As I’m walking away, “I say I’m not trying to be mean, but Vicki is the the choir director and we bow to her.” 

Im still upset and don’t want to go back for a while. Kind of getting back into my sleeping pill habit. I think that anger must have been because my friend told her what I said, even though I really tried to stop those feelings. Just can’t win.