I am not all the way sure, but I think I am on day three of being shut off in my room. I am even committing the social sin of smoking in the house with a big, ol' "Dare you to complain" chip on my shoulder. Burrowing in my room is a thoroughly unnatural thing for this frequent flier. Throughout my long mental health herstory, I do not burrow where anyone who knows me knows where my burrow is. Wilderness campsites, motels and the like are far more my style. What good is a burrow if your predators know where the entrance is? I do not believe I am being too ridiculous about it. I am still feeling sincerely civil when I encounter the other household members in the kitchen or bathroom. My isolation feels more like self-care than fear. I am in transition. Reflection (chew) time has been my most useful tool during past transitions. I need to find the gentlest lights in my heart. It doesn't take much outside light to drown out gentle lights. They are as subtle as gossamer reflections in the sunlight. If whatever is next is to come from my heart, I must read those gentle lights.

My beloved is mustering up his corporate aggression for his return to work tomorrow. He sure looks like his father when he slides into work mode. All righteous certainty and glare; my way or no way; about me or without me. I reckon that is just what it takes to succeed in the business world. I reckon we can pull out one of the FIL's most used lines to explain it. "You can't possibly understand. You aren't there" Fair enough. My business successes are marginal, at best. Could we get a bit of quid pro quo going here? You aren't here for my part, either. Your steadfast certainty works better at a board room table than at a family business table. As much as I appreciate the financial stability he has provided, I find him hard to take in his work mode. I even wonder if his work mode was the primary cause of that gall bladder explosion...

And now for the next dynamic on the other side of the door. My family business table looks decidedly different since my beloved took sick in November. Eldest son has moved out and youngest son has moved his family in. I do knot know, but I do believe that transition went smoother because my husband and I were busy with his medical crisis. Is there still a place for the old mother at that family business table? I don't want the job of being the family dominator. I very much want the new mother to feel in charge of her family. Long as I get to smoke in the house on bad weather days????

When sorting through mushy dynamics like this, I find it helpful to sort my feelings from the facts. Methinks that is my goal for the day.

Let the sorting begin?