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The subject is self-explanatory. I don't know how to put it in other words or how to write it out. As I write right now, i am really tired of feeling this way. Lately, due to my chronic insomnia and depression, it's a lingering emotion that I can't point out or say. It's like i know i want to pray or read the word or drink tea or do anything to help me fall asleep with somewhat of a clear conscience. But its like, i am frozen. Does anybody know what i am talking about?
I am starting to think that its because ppl at home sleep better than I do and i am just a zombie in the middle of the night. I think, maybe if I do this or do that, it will be okay. Somehow also, i am not a big fan of the cold season as it plays with my emotions and knowing that the holidays are coming soon, too. Right now, this moment, i think nobody can really understand me, at least when it comes to my immediate family- they see the withdrawn and irritated and depressed Kathy, not the Kathy they knew before. No matter what I say or do to even try and open up or show an inkling of emotion, its not there. Maybe i am just seeing that I really can't give anymore of what they expect of me to be...
I am starting to think that its because ppl at home sleep better than I do and i am just a zombie in the middle of the night. I think, maybe if I do this or do that, it will be okay. Somehow also, i am not a big fan of the cold season as it plays with my emotions and knowing that the holidays are coming soon, too. Right now, this moment, i think nobody can really understand me, at least when it comes to my immediate family- they see the withdrawn and irritated and depressed Kathy, not the Kathy they knew before. No matter what I say or do to even try and open up or show an inkling of emotion, its not there. Maybe i am just seeing that I really can't give anymore of what they expect of me to be...
I drift in and out of "depersonalization" episodes, and have horrible insomnia.
Insomnia helps nothing, and probably makes everything worse.
What have you tried FOR the insomnia ??
I've had no luck, with Benadryl, melatonin, Clonazepam, warm baths, meditation, yoga, deep breathing ... but am on the verge of asking for "proper" sleeping pills.
You have to sleep. The less I sleep, the more 'detached' and 'unreal' life feels for me.
It's a cycle that has to be broken.
I wish you peace, health, strength, and ... eight solid hours !
I have natural herbs but I have not taken them just because of irrational fear of pills. Insomnia makes me drag through the day and leaves me all hazy and "floating"- disassociation, depersonalization?
Thanks for the warm wishes.
Please take good care of you. You're an important part of this world and it wouldn't be the same without your participation. I know sometimes many of us feel the need to rest and check out.
It's more common than we assume it to be really or else there wouldn't be terms like "burnt out" and "stressed out" in the mainstream lingo and anti-depressants wouldn't be considered a normal part of American life. In fact, I am more than a little suspicious of anybody who doesn't appear to have any problems at all. What is their trip and what are they hiding from, I tend to wonder. But what I don't do anymore is surrender to the idea that Other People's Opinions of me matter more than my own. Sometimes they might get equal billing but never more.
Yes, please take good care of you. You're an important part of this world and it wouldn't be the same without your participation.
Hugs, Nickleplated
Since I was little I pushed aside what happened to me, wouldn't let myself dwell on it. I thought I was doing the right thing, thats what my family said, leave it in the past, so I did. But once I started talking about it and journaling and reading other peoples stories it started to heal me.
I won't lie it hurt and it was hard and I cried alot and I had to accept certain facts about my family I wanted to stay in denial about, but it worked. I'm happy even though my life isn't where I want it and after getting through that I feel like I can do anything... well with time, I still have a lot of healing to do, but don't wait 15 more years to face things like I did.
If thats your problem I don't know, if not watching Mulan, or documentaries put me right too sleep everytime.
Also, Belleruth Naperstek has an awesome guided imagery tape for sleep.
Sleep is very important - the worse the insomnia - the worse my entire world - I screw up finances, I disassociate, I get paranoid . . .
I'm taking supplements plus 1.5 mg of xanax nightly, and I'm getting tood sleep. Recent labs show my cortisol is raging high 24 hrs a day - so, my drs and I are not beating me up for the xanax right now. We'll get the cortisol pulled back (hypothalmus and pituitary) balanced, then the xanax won't be needed.