It sounds like your family is stuck in habitual patterns of relating to you and they're not going to change on their own out of the kindness of their hearts. Because they are reflex at this point, and the family members reinforce each other in behaving in a way that they feel entitled to behave because it is habitual. You are the one rocking the boat - everyone else is good with the way things are.

I have been through this with my own family. The way I handled it was to withdraw from them. For whatever reason (I don't think it was love or concern) they decided it was worth changing their behavior to have me in their lives. They called it "walking on eggshells" with me, but hey, I was good with that - it was a big improvement over brutal attacks masked as "humor".

I say do what you have to to take care of yourself. You will be teaching your sons to respect you and to respect themselves. To my mind that is more valuable than this concept called "family" that is often a gang of unconscious bullies.

Thank you so much Donna, I really needed to hear this. I'm slowly but surely getting closer to breaking the habit of feeling like a bad person for saying anything and feeling selfish for being the boat rocker. I know subconsciously that is the role I've played myself. Thanks again.

I've never had to go through this with family members, but I've gotten some mileage out of anticipating the irritation. Example: Greeting the office hypochondriac with, "Hi. What's ailing you today?" If nothing else, it interrupts their flow and gets it out of the way quicker. I even had one co-worker thank me for letting them know how bad they'd gotten. Funny how bad habits can sneak up on you.

Stay true to your recovery, Jenny. Healthy boundaries are a HUGE part of recovery.

I spent 6 months of weekly discussion in therapy of what to do about family visits and then decided against continuing them. That was 7 years ago now.

My family had been like Lucy in the Peanuts cartoon with me for years. You know, how she talks Charlie Brown into trying to kick the football she'll hold for him only to pull it away every time so he falls on his butt time and again. They would promise that this Christmas I could visit and be safe. They swore they wouldn't egg my elderly dad on this time so he would lose his temper toward me. It was always on some topic of the day in the media I didn't control anyway. It became like a sport for the rest of the family.

Last time it was about gay people in church. I'm not gay and he doesn't know anybody in my church--we live two states away from each other. So the whole thing started before I even got there when the family was watching TV and saw some news story.

I arrived unaware of what was going on, but meal after meal my elderly father grumbled about graphic sex acts to which he objected, so I knew something was up. I refrained from comment, but my sister really got a kick out of making more graphic sex act comments that got him more and more angry at every Christmas season meal.

I had a bout of chronic kidney disease that landed me on the couch sick, and that's when it finally happened on the third day of my visit. My dad finally punched me in the face to express his rage at all of the TV stories he had seen that angered his homophobia. Remember: I'm not gay and never spoke about any issue for all 3 days.

My sister got a big kick out of it. She's always enjoyed bullies and bullying. She married a bully and loved being a part of his bullying until her husband turned on her and they got divorced. She still enjoyed seeing my dad respond to her provocations and hit me, though. She's enjoyed that since she was a little girl.

So just like Lucy will always pull the football away at the last minute and make Charlie Brown fall on his butt for trusting her to hold it for him to kick it, so some family will always provoke us. It's a family systems thing, I've learned. At least, that's how my therapist explained it to me weekly for 6 months until I could accept it.

I've been solo with no family for 7 years here now, but I haven't fallen on my butt once. I don't kick at footballs held by Lucy types any more. Much support to you on this, too.

Arfie I like your approach and I see how that works for you. I feel like if I were to use that approach with my mom then I would be selling myself short tho. I straight out asked her not to talk about them and it feels like she's doing it more. I know a mom wants her family to get along because I am a mom and want that with my own. Being a mom who respects her son's I'd also never want to make them feel bad or uncomfortable either. We tease in our family but know when enough is enough and respect each other's limitations. She barrels through mine because she only understands her needs and wants, apparently the fact that I have needs and wants is irrelevant in her bigger picture. It pisses me off.

Muji, it seems like you got your shit together concerning the messed up family you got dealt. My mom used to try to fight me when I was a teen but she quickly learned she had the strength of a drunk toddler compared to me and stopped. I do know the feeling of someone you are supposed to love becoming physical with you and it's a mind f#$k for sure. I remember running out the door with no jacket or shoes one time because the adrenaline was raging and it was either kill her or run. I actually totally forgot about all this until you mentioned it.

Thanks both of you for your support and comments. I'm avoiding for now but feel there are some tough decisions in the future.

Gentle support as you figure it out.