Hopeinjoy, I know how you feel. Recently, I've been getting triggered at work and the criticism that I get makes me react in a way I never thought I would. I'm a survivor of extreme psychological and emotional abuse (it's what caused my PTSD), and hearing criticism now makes me become really defensive and I just end up feeling mad about the incident for days, and I feel stressed out too. I was never like this before my PTSD, in fact I was the opposite and I was extremely laid back.

I usually end up feeling self-hatred at the end of the day. I feel it today after yet another rough day, I feel extremely angry at myself and it feels like it's for no reason at all. I can't explain how much I hate myself, and it makes self-care so much harder.

I wish I had more advice, but the only thing that I found helps is just telling myself that "I'm a work in progress. Rome wasn't built in a day, so I can't heal in a day". Just keep on trying to engage in self-care too.

(Hugs)

I relate to the point that I actually made the feeling you describe the basis for doing something about it. I had surgery because I didn't want to be a monster.

I'm not advocating it, but I had a vasectomy as a young man, to physically sterilize myself against ever even having a kid I would treat as monstrously as the family monsters in my home growing up.

You're not alone in this. My surgery probably wasn't necessary. But it was an up front commitment to never, ever becoming the monster that raised me. And I went on to do the emotional work, too, and am proud to say that in 4 decades of life since I have never been a batterer, even though beatings were weekly in my home growing up.

It's possible. Don't make the commitment like I did, but you can be committed in your own way and not become a monster.

Those who are not committed to change, though, are the first to become monsters themselves, because hurt people hurt people.

It's up to us.

With a new post, I always ask if you are seeing a therapist when symptoms seem severe and you have moments where your self-hatred results in reinactments. That was keyed when you pointed to the emotional and PHYSICAL. Self harm often goes with trauma so if that is happening I would highly reccomend professional help. I too went through terrible self-hate at one time, lashing out but the self-hate rarely raises its ugly head but the days when Im super anxious I dont feel in control and act opposite of how I want to. It does not have to be this way and as you work on your healing you will see that hope. A few things that worked for me with self-hatred is working on increasing my self-esteem. It could be as simple as writing down a FEW tasks and crossing them. It gives you a sense of accomplishment. Challenging why you hate yourself with things you like, even if you dont feel that way is another. Our minds got messed up when our traumas occurred so teaching it a different mindset can really help. I know it is frustating and Im sorry you are going through this. I agree with Silverlin that it takes time so be gentle with yourself as you grow. mujicaptsd...the cycle does repeat often and we are the ones to break the cycle, to change otherwise it stays the same. Good point mujicaptsd.

Thank you. :) I don't plan on having kids, maybe just helping wounded orphans if I can. I notice the re-enactment mainly in my behavior towards others (particularly, being viciously defensive often from the get-go, if in traumatized state). Looking back at my albeit rather short life, I have been locked in the self-fulfilling prophecy of assuming rejection and asking for it by being so stand-off-ish and defensive. I simply never realized I was like that, since it was normal with my parents. (It's been much worse recently, maybe that's why I noticed it.) My fear is the doom of repeating the same relationships because I'm asking for it/I can't possibly attract even good-hearted friends in this state. As to therapy, I was seeing a therapist for 4 years. She helped me a lot, but in the last year or so I experienced some betrayal on her part. (I don't think she's cool with me being big and free and happy, she seems terrified of abandonment. Seems lonely with her daughters having grown up and left the house recently.) Very recently had a traumatic experience that she totally dropped the ball and even partly turned on me over. Hence why the ptsd is now much worse.. :( Seeing a new therapist who has been more helpful.. (Unfortunately the trauma situation was extrEmely unique and no therapist will be able to understand it - involved the psychward, which botched the medical records as to what actually occurred. very creepy). So I'm on my own with that, but can still apply self-care, etc. (hopefully)

Glad you have a new therapist. Sorry about how things ended with the old one. But you sound like you've got a lot of self-awareness about the defensiveness and what excessive defensiveness can get a person. So you're on your way, even though the way is frustrating, especially now.

There's no need for me to know any further specifics about this latest "creepy" trauma you've been through. I can say with utmost confidence that another one of us has probably been through that same "creepy" trauma or worse. I did myself, and it involved the hospital 12 years ago, and was, in addition to creepy, just plain weird on the doctors' part there for a while.

And, am better now, but know not to think less of anyone else who has a "creepy' trauma experience and/or hospital experience. You're in the right place for talking about such things.