As long as you're going to blame yourself for what somebody else did, this is always going to be a no-win situation. Is a woman supposed to take it for granted that any man will rape her if given the opportunity? Do we even feel entitled to think like that? Because if we do think like that, then we can also blame ourselves for being paranoid and unfair to men ...

The man is a criminal and you shouldn't blame yourself for not expecting criminal behavior from someone you expected to behave like a normal, decent human being.

My husband did. And I say I understand where he is coming from especially since I told him when he was deployed..I don't want to be punished like so many others were in the military. I hate arguing with myself constantly. I keep thinking i had to have lead them on or said something.

This line of thinking is so unfair to you, although it is normal. The human mind works like that, trying to figure out the "why" behind a catastrophe. But the answer is that the man is a criminal and nothing you did, wore or said gives any person the right to rape you.

I think you would really benefit from talking to someone with expertise in this area. There is a help line at RAINN.org and maybe a chat line too.

It really wasn't your fault and it's just painful to see you blame yourself on top of all your suffering.

I believe the military has a pathological culture around this issue based on the movie "The Invisible War."

I will look that movie up right now i am researching how the military handles this. and so far my dad has been correct.

There were changes made as a result of that movie so things may have improved.

If it's not consensual, then it's rape. There's no "why" to it beyond he saw you as prey, and now you're being blamed for *his* pathological sicko mindset. I was raped at 17. All I did was get ar ide home from school from someone I'd known *years*. Yep, sure "saw" that coming. Who wouldn't? Oh, right, any *sane* person.

I never reported, so I salute you for your courage. That takes such guts. Your husband should admire that, IMHO.

I suspect it's easier to decide you "missed something" than to decide bad things happen no matter how smart or strong we are. My dad and most men in my fam are military and the capacity to shift blame is *epic*. Also the "code". It's highly variable. Male vs female, officers vs noncoms, whites vs nonwhites, Us vs Them, and so forth and so on and.... You're the one who got hurt. But the fact you delayed reporting to your husband is, in military terms as I learned it from my family, "proof" you're "covering your ass".

Get therapy fast, okay? And get your husband's butt in there with you. He needs to get this both on his own account, and for you as a couple. Yes, it happened. No, you don't want to think about it, but the faster you get help, the more likely you'll find healing. Even if it's a peer group of survivors like you, whatever. (I found peerr group better than a licensed counselor, in my circumstances.)

Not. Your. Fault. Not. Your. Shame. Not. Your. Guilt. It belongs to the rapist. It belongs to the blamers.

We're here. Vent, ask, rant, anything you need. Big supportive puma power to you.

I'm getting medicine soon. Since it's military it takes a bit. Therapy I'm getting used to...I'm still uncomfortable and my husband and I don't really talk about it because I don't want to seem a drag..work doesn't help either

Glad to hear medicine is coming soon. Since it'll take a bit because it's military, you can rely on us until then. Therapy does take some getting used to, but for me it was worth it when I had a doc who was experienced with VA patients. Much support to you.

I watched The Invisible War..what happened to me wasn't anywhere as bad as what happened to them. It made me feel like since what happened to me wasn't nearly as bad I should just move on. Other times I don't even want to deal with any of this.