Hink,

Have you gone to therapy for your PTSD?

yes, I was diagnosed in 02, the accident was 96...I'm a veteran and get my care through the VA and unfortunately they use interns for therapists. So some years I have get lucky, others I drop out.

September 08 til now I've been without except for maybe 3 visits, 07/08 I was lucky and had the best therapist ever. I made a lot of progress with her, but a lot of that time I was going through a lot. Besides losing my father a terrible person did some terrible things when dad passed (I'm almost 50 and my only sibling, a sister died in 02) trying to use my PTSD against me to get to my sister's money. (my sister was single and had a thriving real estate sales/rental company on a resort island. She left my parents a lot and this evil person tried to get it, unfortunately I have no idea where the money is.

This outside attack (which just got settled in April) really came close to killing me, at least I think so. Some nights I would be so tense I didn't think I would see the next day. Dad died aug 06, I have yet to be able to grieve. I took care of my father right up until the end (he was in a wheelchair).

The betrayal was from a woman I considered almost a sister (when my sister was alive I trusted her more than my sister), her mother was like a stepmother to me for 30 years. I thought when all that was over the fear, the dread and the anger would go away, it did and then it came back (reminder to set up new goal).

I write music, I have a dream studio in my home...I haven't finished a song since the summer of 05. Sorry for rambling on, but I miss me.

Sorry about the loss of your father. Mine passed away (tragically) when I was 13. I was especially vulverable then...the first rape occurred shortly after his death...and the bastard knew what had just happened to my father. When I cried, he yelled at me. Called me a bitch. I was only 15 then. Raped again (!) at 24. Convinced that, had I gone into therapy after the first, it would not have happened twice. Angry at myself.

The loss of a parent is hard. I am still affected deeply even tho it was over 30 years ago. Also lost my stepfather. Forever feeling vulnerable, it seems. Scared. Because I have disclosed it all to police. Afraid of retaliation...always.

And as for the betrayal, it was all for the sake of money?! What some people will do!

I could relate to this betrayal, to the efforts to use the PTSD against you.

The reason why I asked about whether you had gone into therapy is because, depending on the quality of your experience, and presuming your therapists were good, you would likely be at a different stage with it all. Being more advanced or experienced in therapy doesn't make it easier necessarily, however certain levels of progress can be presumed.

I am having difficulty sleeping this evening. I know why. It's an especially hard night.

I can also relate to feeling that I fail at so many things I try to do. And, like you, I have a gift that remains dormant...until I feel safe enough.

Yet, even though I am faced with uncertainty. My job ends. I may lose my home. I may become homeless again. I am trying so hard to have faith.

I am constantly exposed to reminders.

I looked at your website BTW. I'm not much one for music. Most of the time sensitive to noise, and so I prefer soft, classical, or instrumental. Only some rock (classic)..

This evening, alone, about 6-7 cars drove by the house with their music loud. I hate that! And it's rap or heavy metal. It's so disrespectful, but I can't stand the noise.

Even so, I can respect that it is something that you are proud of and that is a gift for you.

My favorite quote on music...

Any music that doesn't paint a picture is only noise. I'd recite it in French, but I forget.

Sometimes I get lost here...in my own writing.

The art (only a hobby) was probably a subconscious outlet at first. I am talented but constantly in fear, anger, and in crisis. That's not a foundation for inspiration for me.
It's too bad, however, to have a gift and to be stifled. I understand.

Contentment, love,and joy inspires me. I have tried, but may never realize this gift to its full potential.

I am sorry about what you endured, and the fear you live with each day.

I do the same thing. Like exactly.

I recently uncovered what it is. Its a feeling trap, from the shame amplifying itself on itself. You can read in detail about it in post titaled Shattered Shame States. Yet another symptom of PTSD.

Since I saw it for what it is I can counter the shame and fear much more easily. I am still frozen but at least I am not spiraling in shame about it.
For example today I didnt DO much. But I was constructive with going over all the things that happened to me in last 2 days and the feelings of it. In the past I would probably be SIing out of shame of it, or maybe thats what i do instead of facing the feelings. I realize I need this do nothing down time for processing cuz I am on big delay and feeling repression.

Hope this helps a bit.