Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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A couple of us from here at DS PTSD have swapped messages individually about how we experience Father's Day given that some of us got our PTSD from violent fathers in the home. That would be my case. For others, it brings up memories of family divorce. For yet others, happy memories of experiencing fatherhood as it should be. And some are fathers themselves, reflecting on their own role as father. Whatever the case, I thought I'd go public with the fact that a couple of us were discussing it in private as it passed. What were your thoughts/feelings this June 16th?
Muji
Muji
Thank you for posting it.
I felt cheated. One friend posted a picture on FB of her as a child, riding on her father's back like he was a pony. There were so many others.
I felt saddened. I have learned to cast aside so much of my pain toward my father because he's been suffering for years. He's completely bed ridden and gets maybe 3 visits per year from family. It's so painful.
I felt loss. My oldest brother OD'ed when he was 28 and left behind a beautiful baby girl who is all grown and expecting a child of her own. He's not here to see this. My youngest brother took his life and left 3 sons behind who have their own personal issues because of it.
The only light in the day was knowing that I have a stepfather who I love very much....probably more than my own mother.
And what were your thoughts? I hope you felt some form of peace in some way.
It's just a BS holiday to boost Hallmark's business.
What, me, cynical???
: )
I'm a woman. I did however, function as a dad and mom to my daughter after the divorce from husband 1 who did not elect to have contact.
Not ideal, and not how I would have had this worked out-even though I would not have wanted to stay married, I would not have denied her her father.
My current husband came into this when my daughter was a teenager. So I continued to be the primary parental influence.
As for my father, haven't seen him since I was seven and all I can remember about him is arguing with him (as a kid, age 7 and under). It was kind of a non-relationship, as far as I was concerned.
Do I worry that growing up without a father caused me to turn into a woman who doesn't know how to coparent with a man- sure I do, but I've had to kind of let that go. Husband 1 was unsuitable on many levels (discovered after about five years of marriage- did not resolve by year 10, so I tried). Teenagers being what they are, inviting a dad into this after the fact (current husband), there seemed built in limits to that. But I do consider how growing up without a father might have affected my ability to create a family with two parents.
One event that happened to me at work back in 2003 allowed me to feel "fathered". I was teaching in a day treatment school. A rather large student was becoming increasingly agitated during detention. My boss at the time is the penultimate dad in many ways. He married a woman with children and has been a wonderful father to them. He provided a fatherly (in a good way) energy to his supervision of staff at this school, as well as a very positive male influence for students at this school. He had told me, "if you need help, call and I'll come to the classroom." I thought, "sure, he's in meetings, he's going to come here and help me with this student." He did. This for me was almost a curative experience: a man keeping his word to me, taking my problem seriously, and providing calm assistance in a strong way.
I know my response is all over the place, but the whole topic of fathers had me thinking too. I think we can choose "fathers" when the ones we got let us down. I think people (men and women) can choose to provide that energy to others, whether or not they are the father.
I want you to know I am not trying to make light of the hard (sometimes very hard) feelings people are having about this. Holidays do have the potential to dig up all that hurts about our family relationships. I'm with you on that too, but wanted to share the other parts too.
In a way I sort of lucked out because I didnt have access to a computer to hear about it 24/7. Though I sure would have liked to come on here. Trouble is staying away from facebook with all of their fathers day spamming from everyone who just cant love their father without posting a million pictures with quotes about it.
As for my dad. I sent him a one line email that just said "Happy Fathers Day." Reason being if I dont he might use it as an excuse to not support me which unfortunately with medical bills I still need.
To a normal person it must be odd to spend father's day without any of your children. But hey, he probably plays the victim to those around him. I highly doubt his new girlfriend or anyone he talks to has a real idea of what his relationships with his two daughters are like.
In reality, he's just another person. Society likes to put him on a pedestal because he's my father, but that doesn't change his true character.
Its hard to feel like such an oddball/reject around everyone who seems to have a loving family relationship. Im glad I can talk to you guys who understand.
For one, I was glad I spent it at my aunt's place in Qns. It allows some decompression time for me but nonetheless, it reminds me of what I don't have with my own family at home. Great bbq and food. But, I was glad to be here.
I called my father the very morning to let him know I still love him. He also came for the bbq.
It brought up a lot of discomfort for me because though I don't have a problem with my father around, it's a constant that my (immediate) family is/will not be a unit for a while because of the choices and decisions I've made, alongside my own family members also.
There is not one single emotion/thought behind this date. It is more than just personal family disconnect; it's the idea that no matter where I am going, the memories/traumas come along with me and I am not home.
Then at age 41 I thought I'd give it another try, and I had contact with him for 10 years until he was violent again on another Christmas 3 years ago now. So I broke off contact now for good, again with my therapist's help.
Like tolerance, I guess I feel cheated and sad. But along with it there's this apprehension every holiday because he won't let me "win" and cut off contact now. He sends third parties, sends postcards to work (because he knows I won't open letters), and I've had to change my number and put blocks on my emails. I know it sounds paranoid, but the only way for me to have no contact is simply no contact.
So I say all of that to say this. It's something I could only say here at DS PTSD and not be thought of as a monster. Someone from here sent me a nice message saying they know how I feel this Father's Day, and that it gets better. When their abusive father finally died, they found some relief.
I don't mean to say I spent Father's Day wishing my father would die, or that I sit around wishing that for him on any day. He has the right to his place in the world as much I have the right to mine. And he suffered at the hands of his father; I know, because I saw it happen. But as much effort as I've put into learning from my difficult relationship with him and the attempts to get away from it for some peace, I have to admit I felt like one day it will be over, and it will finally all be in God's hands and only in God's hands. As for me, I chose not to have kids, so at least there's the idea that I won't do to a son what I saw his father do to him, and he did to me in turn.
That's just me. Deli, I hear you about the Hallmark stuff and the phoniness of it all. My dad and I had this painful relationship in which he abused me about weekly. Yet since he was a pastor by trade, he played the Hallmark version of fatherhood up in the pulpit, giving congregations the impression we had a good relationship when we didn't. That only added to the hurt, so I could have done with less pretense around Father's Day back then, too.
I sure did appreciate what Guayaba said about being both mom and dad to her daughter after her divorce. I am getting to know more and more women in that predicament since I teach at a community college teaching a lot of women who are coming back to school at mid life to become nurses. I admire you, Guayaba, and those women students of mine for being able to do that.
Twilight, I'm glad you did what you had to do, but didn't over function out of some sense of guilt over needing his support. Sounds like you've got a good sense of things for yourself in this area.
Kat, I'm so glad you phoned your dad and had him over the the bbq, but I get how mixed you feel when that's going on and yet there are still the challenges with your family as a whole. I took note of how you ended what you wrote by saying you feel like you're "not home." It made me think about how, despite having a difficult dad, really what I felt growing up and still feel now is a lack that made me feel orphaned somehow. "Not home." I get that.
I'm just glad I feel at home enough here at DS PTSD to post a question about it, have people answer and ask me how I myself feel, and then have a place where I can say it without having to censor myself. I may feel like an orphan as to family ties, but I do feel community here as we share with one another, and that means a lot to me. So even if I couldn't wish anyone a Happy Father's Day, happy community to all, everybody!
Muji
didn't see anyone in my family for fifteen years, and then once every few years, and now it's a few times a year, so i've had time to grow mellow and distance is my friend.