Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I just got out of the hospital as I tried to kill myself. Obviously, as with everything I do, I failed. In the hospital they just "observed" me. Nobody talked to me to help me work through any of my problems. This just makes me feel even more unwanted, useless. Not even worth being helped. Nobody seemed to care. I don't know what to do. All the crisis help lines refer me back to the hospital I just got out of.
I can't keep going through the flashbacks. TW My abuse stems back to abuse by drug cartel abuse and torture and pagan rituals from first memory to age 20. I was born in the desert southwest not far from the border where these things happen all too many times. I now live in a VERY red, conservative, religous, midwest state. Nobody here wants to believe these things happen. The ranch I grew up on bordered Mexico. I was taken into Mexico many, many times. My parents let them take me to do what they wanted as fair payment for them not destroying and looting the ranch. My family's livelihood and means of living. We lived under constant threat and rule by the cartels. They used our land to transport drugs and humans and whatever else. Back in those days there was no law presence. Just in the border cities. Even now the law presence is spotty or next to nothing. My family was forced to move from the property. There is just too much land to be effectively patrolled. I cannot begin to explain what they do to women and children, even today. My body and mind bears many, many scars. The physical scars serve as triggers to the memories and flashbacks and nightmares. Flashbacks are fully sensory. I can't live with being gang raped and tortured every day. It has to stop. The only way I know to end it is to end myself. I don't know what else to do. Sorry to have brought this up. I'm trying to hang on.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
Healing hopes for all. No exceptions.
Hope you keep hanging on, Strength.Today I'm grateful we both *failed* in the suicide attempts.
I was at a fork in the road as to my own recovery. With all of my support gone, I could either cave in to my PTSD or double down on recovery. I think it was desperation that led me to double down. I resigned tenure as a literature professor at my university and went back to grad school to start my professional life all over as a hospital chaplain.
In my hospital chaplain role, roles were reversed. At the hospitals where I worked from 2001-2010, on Mondays it was my job to visit the patients who had been admitted for suicide attempts over the weekend. Though I'd never attempted suicide, I'd been there once as a patient myself for "observation" without anyone talking to me. So when I made my rounds on Mondays now as an "observer," I made a point of talking to each and every patient who was a suicide attempt survivor.
We talked about the problems that brought them there, or we talked about the weather, whatever they wanted to talk about. With those bandages on their wrists or those charcoal stains around their mouths from having had their stomachs pumped for pills, we talked. And we talked.
And here we're still talking. I'm glad you're here, StrenghtofMind, to carry on the conversation. I'm sorry no one talked to you inside the hospital, but we're here for you. I currently live in a very conservative red state, too, where people don't want to hear stories like ours, but we're here for each other. Hang on and keep coming back. You're not alone.
I am so so so sorry for what you went through. I am so sorry.
Have they talked to you about grounding exercises, like counting breaths, or focusing on something different in the room, or meditation? I like to, lay on a hard floor. I don't know why this helps me? But it has since I was a little girl. I remember crawling out of bed at night when I was having flash backs, was sick to my stomach, needed to release, and laying on the floor.
I find myself lying on the floor a lot lately. Have you read the Bible at all? It doesn't have to be the Bible, but when I was young I remember having a mourning routine helped me get on course. Morning and evening. I would have "Devotional time" Time where I would read the Bible, pray to God*higher power" and meditate, exercise, take a shower, put my mind to work or bed. Before bed, it really made a difference too, to pray "Dear God, Please help me have a good night's rest, please help me sleep in shalome, please don't let me have any bad dreams, help me wake ready and refreshed for the day, in Jesus name Amen." This is what I prayed when I was young, because I had so many nightmares. I still forget to pray this prayer at times, but it seems to really work for me. My niece was having nightmares too and she and her mom prayed for God to take them away, and she went to sleep and woke up and realized God answered her prayer.
I'm so sorry you're having flash backs. I'm so sorry your family let that happen to you. I'm so sorry you weren't protected.
I want to give you the biggest hug! Bless you! So strong. You have more to live for! Life can be better! You can have better! And live with Joy! And Healing! I know it. I'm praying for you. I'm praying God will walk with you every step of your journey, and will keep you safe. And will bring you peace and joy.
When I was young, I remember crying to God, not my parents, I remember imagining myself in the palm of his hand. Safe.
I know how hard religion can be, I struggle with it myself- I just know, though, the belief in God has helped me get through so much. Religion and religious people have hurt me, but, I know the belief in God or a higher power, has helped me get through really tough situations.
So much love to you. I'm praying that God fills your heart with love and peace, and joy! YOU DESERVE IT! I hope and pray you find hope, and REST tonight! So much love to you. So much love. Hugs.