Oy.
I can break down how this goes for me:
I can forgive others. Forgive me? Eep.
Have faith in myself? Pardon me, I have to laugh... In *me*?
What in me is worth forgiving or having faith in?

Where is that worth? And why do I think I need ot have it before I can forgive my mistakes and have faith I'll get through this? I don't ask if someone else has this magical "worth" before I reach out to *them*.

And now I need ot file that in "Look at later" b/c I'm still trying to get it through my head that tears are a release of pain, not a loss of control, and that's enough for one day for me....

Interesting contemplatoins...

Leo makes a good point!

For me, forgiveness and faith happen sometimes. After awhile, I noticed they were happening more often than not. But in-between being able to forgive myself and have faith, I weathered the storm by coping with the bad stuff. I did relaxing breathing and distraction. Were my distractions a way to escape the pain? Damn right! I didn't have to sit around hurting while waiting to be able to forgive myself. I think it's a natural state of mind...forgiveness. It took me awhile to build that particular "emotional muscle".

Go easy on yourself. You're doing a great job so far. Very insightful self-assessment.

Be well.

looking outward is way, way easier for me. The human physical design literally sees to that. I cannot see my own body language or facial expressions. All that is far easier to see on other people than on myself. On myself I can deny I am angry while my fists and teeth are clenched. I have come to believe that forgiving others and forgiving myself are highly connected. I do not know. I only believe. I do know I still have an awful lot I have not been able to forgive in others.

Faith is that which I accept without proof. Faith in myself? Well... I have the absence of proof part. My proven accomplishments are worthy of the closet I stashed them in.

When people ask me if Ive forgiven the members of my family of origin who abused me, I say back "well, theyre alive, so that means theyve been forgiven."

Its always good for a chuckle, but my therapist knows its not just a joke. In my case its real proof positive.

Faiths the same way for me. The proof I had faith in myself when no one else seemed to in my family lies in the fact that I did not commit suicide. I had family members hoping I would. I dont come from a Father Knows Best sitcom kind of family background.

Growing up my best friend was also from an abusive home like I was. His mom snapped and murdered his dad in their home one morning with a shotgun. So I dont discuss this flippantly. Im very proud not to have done that in my home.

So no homicides forgiveness, no suicides faith. Its pretty simple day by day for me.