I think the biggest expectation I've struggled with has been that all my PTSD will somehow go away. I've worked hard at my therapy, support group participation, meditation, changing how I invite stress into my life, a lot of things. But so far even though it's gotten much better, I still have PTSD flashbacks and so forth after all these years of recovery work.

How do we set realistic expectations in our PTSD recovery without being too pessimistic or too optimistic?

Yeah, the old DABDA stages of grief, denial-anger-barganing-depression-acceptance.

I did a lot of bargaining with my therapist, poor guy, trying to strike a deal with him about what a good boy I'd be in therapy if he'd just tell me I could have a 100% cure in a year or so from him. Like I said, poor guy. Jon was very patient with me during that stage.

Arfie, that'sa tough one. I have this one only with my immediate faily, and 2/3 of them are dead. (Not by my hand, that realllly sounded wrong.) Ahem. ANyway.... My unrealistic expectations are of ME. I expect me to be some sort of SueprMall of resources all of which can be accssed and used in ten seconds or less....

Yeah, nothing unrealistic in THAT.

ONe of my bigger challenges when I was pre-PTSD (or pre-active anyway).... I expected people to "get" things the way I did. Then I happened ot mention my frustration to my neuro at an annual epilepsy check-up and he, a very bright man, said to me very calmly, "Do you realize that after five minutes, you understood the phenomenon of kindling as well as the residents I teach, and already expanded the concept past epilepsy to other neurochemical processes?" I blinked and said, "Uh, I did?" And that was my light bulb... I have my way of thinking/processing, and others have theirs, and lucky me I excel in acadmeics.... my hubby, however, can get along with anyone on planet Earth up to and including my late dad, which to me is this sort of impossible talent....

I learned to just say, "Everyone has their gift, this is mine, that's not theirs" and move on. Easier said than done, when emotions are involved, I know, but I like to tihnk of it as boxes.

I live in a box full of books and animals and has lots of windows and room to expand because I never sealed the box. Other people live in a tightly lidded box and if you try to take their lid off? They are terrified. No holes, not even for fresh air. Nada. Zip. that is *their* box. And while i can kinda pity some of them, I can't do a damn thing but leave them to their box and work on mine.... and that's a lifetime job with me!

Best example? My one aunt will NEVER get why I am not moving back home. Ever. I would love her to be compassionate and understanding. But her box says "Family Stays By Family" and all the stories of my dad's faily do not sway her one bit.... Family Stays By Family.... So I just tell her now I'm sorry I can't move back there, I have my reasons, and sometimes I still get wistful and cry, but much as I love that aunt? Her box is taped shut on that issue.

Did that make any sense at all?

The serenity prayer is one of my classics, right along with my shrug-a-lug of, "Don't go to the hardware store for bread." the serenity prayer humbles without humiliation. "Let's respectfully agree to disagree" is another.

At present I am back to spinning my wheels in my studio work while the man apron drama is knocking on my door again. I am trying to keep maintain my personal balance through it.

Inside my own skin, I believe keeping my own expectations real is pretty much the same, whether my expectations are of PTSD recovery, personal accomplishments or interpersonal relations. When I let my expectations go delusional on one front, I can keep going until I start expecting the sun to rise in the West.

Arfie, I apologize, I wish I had more to offer.
The problem for me is, everyone is so unique, that what we can realistically expect of Person A is out of the question for Person B. So there's no really solid guidelines except experience, and that changes when new situations arise.

Gentle hgs and I hope someone wise comes on and helps,

Leo

You are just fine, Leo. When I want a guru on a mountain top, I will take a pilgrimage. Here I look to share experience with fellow travelers sharing a healing path. I love you exactly as you are with all your wonderfully unique perspectives.

Stay you.

Thanks, Arfie:-) Same goes for you:-)

Sorry you have the conflict between your husband and son at your door again, if I understood that correctly. I was in a long term relationship with an AA member for several years, so my first support group was Alanon. Reading you post that you spent time in ACOA, I wanted to say that the Alanon tools helped me when I joined my first PTSD support group, too, and still help me today. "Detach with love" is a slogan I remember from back then.

Glad you have those tools. We're here for you in ongoing support.

Oh wow, Muji, I forgot "Detach with love"... It is a good slogan to remember. Love 'em, but from a safe distance, is how one of the al-anon people put it when I was there.

AA is pretty much the foundation of all our contemporary support groups.

One of my personal favorite analogies of, "Detach with love" compares episodes to a toddler tantrum. You don't take it personal, you don't try to reason with them, you don't evict them from your life, you don't attack their character, nor do you let them hurt you. You just step back and let them work it out on their own. It passes.

Yes, Mujica, you interpreted that nearly right. Both my father-in-law and my son are at it again. My husband is maintaining fairly well, all things considered. Trying to keep the expectations real. Don't really want to evict either of them from my life. I love them both, warts and all.

You are really maintaining well artie. Good for you!

Thank you. Sometimes it is hard to know I.F. I am holding well or...

I'm like you. In my best health I know not to have expectations and back away as soon as I know I am, but in the bad times I don't see clearly. I expect people's actions and reactions to be like mine, or something else I'm familiar with. The fallback to familiarity. And I have been so far off that it has spun my head around in circles. We do our best at any given time. That is all.

True enough, Milla, that all we can do is our best at any given moment. Part of my personal best is seeking reality checks from my support network. As you said, sorta, it is all too easy to lose touch with reality when I am stressed.

I do believe in "Reality Checks." I'm glad I know when I need them, but sometimes I don't know..

To Muji, I kept trying to heal the PTSD, because I could always do everything. It was a hard jolt, and the stages of grief to acceptance. Now I have no shame. I accept it like diabetes. It's something one has to deal with on a daily basis. It's just a thing. Sometimes it's no big thing. Sometimes it is..