TW

I have to be one of the most friggin' unlucky people on the planet.  I'm getting stalked by my family of origin's friend.  Believe or not, he is an ex-FB I agent.  Yep. He just pulled up behind me in his car when I went for a walk right now.  I have a real professionally trained spy stalker triggering my PTSD hypervigilance.  WTF!?

I promised my kidney doctor last week I'd try to walk on my cane for 4 blocks 10 times in the month before my next appointment.  Because of nerves dying in my feet and legs neuropathy pain makes doing it really painful.  Next, because I have kidney disease I can't take pills for the pain, not even--surprise!--aspirin.  Even aspirin is out due to my kidneys. 

Outlawed, too are all of my PTSD medications I used to take.  I took Ativan for panic attacks.  I took Seroquel to stop extreme screaming startle responses like happened for real when a loved one tried to hug me when I was visiting their home.

Those were taken away in 2011.  Without the help of PTSD medications I could no longer live with anyone.  So for the first time since I was 24 I started living alone in 2011 at age 53 I started to live alone again.  No roommate, spouse, or partner, like I stil live now.  

Without my PTSD medication Seroquel, my startle responses toward hugs came back so I quit dating, too, after my fiancee broke up with me over it.  My therapist worked with me for six months about what to do about going around my family of origin, where my abuse started.  Without medication, I couldn't take their continued behavior even though I was 53 and they were 80.  When I went to my parents' home for Christmas and my old dad gave me a feeble punch to the face, it wasn't that he had much of a punch.  It was that it set off triggers that went on for days for me since I wasn't on my PTSD medication Seroquel to help me take the abuse mentally.  

So on my therapist's advice after six months of talking about it, I cut ties with my family  to have boundaries for the abuse instead of Seroquel.  Since my kidneys took me off PTSD meds, I came here and joined DS PTSD as my placebo substitute every day for when I used to take my PTSD  pills in the morning and at night.

Therefore, I'm about to start the holiday season again from Thanksgiving to New Year's alone.  I've been invited to spend holidays with friends, but I've found movement, traveling, is the best thing to keep me from falling into lonely depression during the holidays.  So for Thanksgiving I made reservations to visit Washington, DC and for Christmas I bought a plane ticket for Mexico.

I've done, then, what my PTSD therapist asked me to do so I could follow the kidney doctor's orders and live without PTSD medication for my kidneys' sake and keep my 40% kidney function from falling to 25% and dialysis or transplant.  

1. I broke ties with my abusive family like my therapist asked

2. I came here to have DS support as a placebo effect to replace my PTSD pills morning and night

3. I lived alone for my PTSD startle responses instead of with a partner, spouse, or room mate who inadvertently startled me

4. I even got a job at a community college instead of a four year college thinking I'd have a less stressful job I could handle better if I didn't have my PTSD medications Ativan and Seroquel for work

5.  Now as of today I've walked 4 of the 10 times I promised my kidney doctor before next month's appointment

Some of those things, like living alone, having no family, not dating and downsizing my career, challenged me because ever since I've had PTSD I've had suicidal ideations.  Being alone and risking depression without anti-depressants, then, scared me.  I was hospitalized for suicidal ideations back in 2000 when I faced living alone depressed after my divorce then, and I had all the PTSD and depressions medications available to me now.  

Being alone with depression after PTSD and depression medications were withdrawn in 2011 for kidney disease scared me a lot.  I've managed not to be hospitalized without PTSD or depression medications since 2011 somehow when my fiancee left me over my PTSD without medication, though.  I've dealt without pills with my panic, depression, and suicidal ideations.  I don't know how, but my psychiatrist and I think it's because I made myself believe in the placebo effect of replacing my PTSD and depression pills coming here to DS PTSD morning and night at pill time.  He put me back on one medication last year that's kidney-safe because it's processed through the liver, Prazosin for nightmares, but he says the rest is me and my placebo effect for replacing pills with DS PTSD.

If I've done everything I've been asked my my therapist, psychiatrist, and kidney doctor, then, why does Fate play such tricks on me as having this ex-FBI stalker hunt me down today on one of my walks I promised my doctor?  Why?   WTF!?

When I changed my life in 2011 having to go off PTSD and depression medications, that new job community college job was half way across country so I could have a new start away from family and their house in Missouri.  It was tough; I drove the moving van myself and it was too much.  When I got here to my job in the West Virginia mountains I got out of the moving van's cab at my boss's house when I stopped to say hi and passed out cold.  Her husband had to take me to to emergency room.  Great new start, huh?  WTF!?

I pushed on with my new start anyway, but when I went to work I met this ex-FBI agent at my community college teaching criminal justice classes.  WTF!? My dad was expelled from church by then because as pastor he abused the church, not just family, and my dad stole money from his own church and got caught.  Before that, though, he'd had another church.  Unbeknownst to me, this ex-FBI agent had been a member of my dad's church board back then.  WTF!?

Boy, am I lucky.  I move across country from Missouri to West VIrginia to get distance and have the boundaries my PTSD therapist said to create from my abusive family, and happen to get a job in a town where they have a literal ex-FBI agent to spy on me.  What are the needle in a haystack odds of that.  Seriously, what are the mathematical odds.  Does lady luck hate me?  WTF!?

I avoided him, of course, but this ex-FBI agent hounded me for my first years on my new job on behalf of my family with harassing phone calls on my work phone and harassing visits in my workplace.  I reported him to Human Resources and contacted a lawyer, and they threatened him with both with being fired from work and being sued and told him to stop stalking me.  He did, and though he retired in town two years ago.  Until today, I thought I had won because I hadn't had any stalking for two years.

Until today.  WTF!  It's painful enough for me to walk on my cane with the kidney nerve damage.  I was concentrating pushing through the pain to walk to keep my promise with my doctor, so I didn't see the ex-FBI agent stalker  coming up behind me in his car.

I mentioned here that I have an extreme screaming PTSD startle response and that I live alone because I can't have even a lover come up behind me to give me a hug without losing my mind for a time.  Without any PTSD medication it requires a lot of effort to get my mind back when my startle response loses it for me.  

Imagine, then, how started I was just now on my walk when I'm pushing through pain on my cane and this ex-FBI agent abuse family stalker drives up behind me and hollers out his window at me.  I was mental scrambled eggs all over the sidewalk.

It made me a mess right before I have to get through the Thanksgiving holiday alone.  It is hard for me because with a partner, spouse, or roommate I wasn't alone for 29 years between age 24 and age 53.  

So WTF, universe or fate or destiny or whatever you are out there.  No stalking for my family abusers by ex-FBI agents, ok please?  Can somebody up there in heaven or wherever give me a break, please?  I show up here at DS PTSD, I try to post gripes only once a week or so and to post support for others as much as I ask for support for me, I try to be a good patient.  

So WTF, universe or fate?  I mean it.  WTF?  Can I at least follow through without interference from some ex-FBI agent with these holiday plans I made myself create on my therapist's suggestion?  WTF?  I'm doing everything I'm being asked to do for my PTSD recovery, so WTF?  

I'm even looking for another job--for several reasons like making more money, working less so I won't need an ADA accommodation at work, and to get away from this stalker.  I'm up to job application number 43 today, so I'm doing everything to be responsible for my fate and not be a victim.  So WTF, Fate, about this ex-FBI stalker showing up again on my painful walk just now?

Before I forget and make it all about me and my ex-FBI stalker, Happy Thanksgiving, then, I love y'all, and to y'all who have people to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with, Happy Thanksgiving from the bottom of my heart.  Please, though, if you'd be so kind send some support to me today to get myself back together and stop being triggered by this ex-FBI agent stalker today.  

I've tried really, really, really hard to write calmly here, but behind this post I'm anything but calm.  With the holidays coming living alone, I'm screamingly triggered on top of lonely and vulnerable right now because this ex-FBI stalker just showed up.  I've got to pull myself together, and I need your support to do that without PTSD or depression pills.  Thank you.