Yup, I can relate. Prick one little hole in one of my denial dams and the whole damned reservoir comes crashing through. The resulting floods are so intense that grabbing whatever is handy and holding on for dear life is the best I can do.

Steadying support while you ride out the flood, Ozmum. May the proverbial flood waters carry you and your family to healing places.

As I said to two others here just today, I wish I could say your description of your experiences--both the abuse back when and the grief and pain it gave you now --were unfamiliar to me, but they're not.

My family of origin was violent with each other weekly. Then they invited criminals into the home by renting rooms to recently released convicts. Those ex-cons preyed upon us kids: me first, then a couple of years later, on my sister.

The first time I told the story of one of those brutal moments to my therapist it was almost as painful as the day it happened. But if I started telling it again and again in the larger setting of my whole life, it became smaller in context. Now every time it's re-told here, it has less power and I have more power. As author I get more authority over it.

Keep sharing as much as you need to; we're here. Notice I mentioned my therapist helped me make sense of all of the years of chaos? I really recommend having one, and making sure she or he is a PTSD specialist. It made all of the difference for me.

Thanks for the replies. I have a great therapist who I contacted out of session and she is spot on in identifying what I am struggling with. Guess the dam had to burst at some point. Every week for the past year we have had one major crisis after another, with both girls in hospital so often we have lost track. Our guard is never down. I am so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted and the thought of relationships leaves me running as relationships just mean pain and hard work. I have two special friends who take me as I am and are great to be with. They, and nature, are my saving grace.

Right now my faith is at a very low ebb. I feel abandoned by God. Any prayer or scripture just seems hollow. I feel dead inside. It seems pointless to have hope because that just leads to more disappointment.

Have brought my appointment with my psychiatrist forward to next week, though I don't know what he could do. I see my therapist next Tuesday.

Thanks for reading and listening to my rant.

Glad you've contacted your therapist and your psychiatrist and that you have those two strong friends you can lean on now, Ozmum62.

As for faith and scripture, I've kind of gotten strange comfort at times from seeing how many families there were as messed up as mine. Cain and Abel, Isaac and Ishmael, Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers, and on and on. And their family tragedies weren't censored and kept out of those writings, they were passed on to us warts and all.

It may not be helpful to you, it just was to me, speaking for myself, when I became so ashamed of my family's messes. I was able to forgive myself a little by comparison.

Whatever you need, we're here for you, too, Oz. You're not alone.

I'm so sorry to hear about the run of one crisis after the next. Keep talking to your therapist and here. You know that feelings are fickle friends, right? They don't represent reality. You have to fall back on what you know is truth, whether it is truth you read in the Bible about God and how much He loves you and how he will work all things together for good, and how he has plans for your future and the plans are to prosper you and not to harm you. Don't go on feelings right now! Glad you have a therapist to help get through the crisis'! Sounds like you are an incredible Mom. Keep focused on those girls. You're a survivor (and so am I), and you know that if you've survived, they will. Also, PTSD and sexual abuse is much better understood than even 10 years ago, so your girls will get the help that maybe you and I didn't get. A final thought is this. Sounds like you need to have some FUN! What do you do for fun? When's the last time you took time to do something fun? I like to go watch comedy movies by myself, interacting with no one and just laughing at the screen. What about you? What would be fun for you, that you'd enjoy but wouldn't drain you further? You need things that will refuel you! HUGS. We are here!

Hi

Thanks for your insight and care Arfie, Muji and Sage7. Things are getting worse. Oldest dd who is in hospital for med changes is now homeless. She had a place lined up on campus but has decided to not study so has lost that. As she is now homeless she has lost the case worker who was about to start helping her. We live in a very expensive city. For reasons I won't go into, she is unable to live at home. I am beyond despairing for her future. I never thought it would be like this.

Sage 7, I make sure I do something each day for me. Walking, watching Star Trek, being in nature. Managed two short trips away this year but was still dealing with crises then.

Thanks for the encouragement re feelings. I know they are indicators, not dictators. Hard to nt cave in atm. Re scripture, it is just hollow. Maybe it will ring true at some point, just not now. Just in survival mode. See my therapist in an hour. I expect it to be a hard session.

Hugs to all. Hope you are having a great time Muji and your ankle is on the mend.

Thanks, I went for my first walk on my cane without crutches yesterday. :-)