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Estranged father just died TW

BlueSky
BlueSky

Hey everyone.... 


I just got news that my estranged father of 20 yrs just suffered another stroke (totalling 4) and passed away this morning. I'm struggling with a mixure of emotions at the moment. 


He was in and out of our lives growing up... and when he was around, he was more a monster then a nice human being. We were raised back and forth between the US and a Muslim country (my father being Muslim). When he walked in the door he used to chase my class mates out (I used to do homework with them), throwing objects at them in the house and all the way down the driveway yelling at us to "stop whoring around" and then he'd threaten to throw me out of the house naked and tell me I would have to prostitute myself to survive. How do you tell your 9, 10, or 12 y /o daughter horrible things like that?! Especially in a Muslim culture where they put women of sexual immorality to death?! 


Anyway, those are just some of the scarring memories I have of him. So when he tried to reach out to me about 6 mo ago through FB and then my personal email, nothing apologetic, and a bunch of arrogance "This is your father, bla bla bla, me, me , me, my wife passed away, oh btw I'm sick and I need money....". His message came the day after a friend of mine passed away (and we just had lunch together) so I was in shock and heartbroken. And this "wife" he spoke of? Was a mistress he ran around with while married to my mom till she finally left him. He went and married her then sent an email to my relatives and older brother that he never loved my mom and he was always meant to be with "her". (vomit). Suddenly we're all supposed to feel sorry for him??


I'm struggling with whether or not I made the right decision in NOT responding to him when he tried to contact me. I wasn't ready to receive his messages or to coomunicate to him. I wasn't ready in case he threw any mind games my way. I wanted to keep it shut. I htought maybe one day IF and when I was ready I would say something to him. Maybe even tell him off. Now that opportunity is gone. Did I do anything wrong?


I am sad and hurt that we left off this way... that we never made amends or any kind of closure. Or the fact that we didn't really have a father daughter relationship. I'm an awesome person and he could have had an awesome relationship with me, but no..... nothing. He's in God's hands now... literally. 

Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I am so very sorry that you're hurting...big hug for you and a blessing...xo
donnawanda
donnawanda
I am also sorry for your loss and for the father you never had. It was not in your hands to make the relationship you wanted with him and I have no doubt you would have done so if you'd had the power to do so. So don't blame yourself. Your brother told you exactly what to expect if you did get in touch with your father, and I think choosing not to, under the circumstances, was a healthy decision.
Doo
Doo
I agree with DW and I do not think he would have given you the answers to the questions you have given the history. I am also sorry you are hurting and hope you feel better soon.
cheesepuff77
cheesepuff77
Hugs Blue, I too was estranged when my mother died not long ago. It is such a mix of emotions, but sometimes when people don't change, there is nothing different that can be said, without the same hurt and trauma. I am so sorry you did not get to have that good bond....it is what I grieve too, you are not alone! Take very good care of You now...Comfort and Healing Hugs♡
Community LeaderLeo
Leo
Blue, this is very familiar, tho' it wasn't as much time for me between walking away and my dad's passing. Gentle hugs and support. MOurning "coulda-woulda" alongside "what was"? Yeah, it's tough. Big hugs and purrs for you. We're here for you.
BlueSky
BlueSky
THank you for your support and encouragement. I'm still sorting and struggling. My mom keeps cornering me and trying to force me to talk about it because she really "needs" to talk. It just angers me. I end up yelling at her. Sigh.... This isn't going well.
donnawanda
donnawanda
It stinks that your mom isn't giving you space. You are the one who lost her father - that tops ex-husband in my book.
Patty1963
Patty1963
I'm so sorry Blue! I was estranged from my father for about 10 years. I was called to come home when he was dying. I guess I was hoping for apologies and healing. I didn't get it. Blue I don't think anything would have changed if you had seen him. He wouldn't have waited 20 years if he truly wanted to heal things. I'm praying for healing for your heart! Gentle hugs!
BlueSky
BlueSky
Patty, I get the feeling that would have been me. Sigh

My mom recently moved back... only last week. She doesn't seem to know her boundaries.

I have a lot of angry memories of him... I feel like yelling and screaming at someone.

Donnawanda, My mom cornering me makes it worse. I'm holding up in my room right now with some chocolate cake.
Community LeaderLeo
Leo
Blue, I know your mom needs to talk, so maybe she can talk to somoone else, by phone. This is hard stuff under ideal circumstances in a family, and pushing you is not going to help *either* of you. After my late abusive dad died, my mom and I didn't talk about him to each other at all, by some sort of telepathic agreement, for several years. We just knew... we had different points of view, and we weren't ready to talk till we both got some grieving done. That's b/c we had the problem with my sis, whens he died a few years before my dad did.

My dad would've died sooner if he thought it meant I'd beg his forgiveness, just to see me beg, so I can't speak to what any dad would do other than mine. I am just so sorry you have to go through this.

As for screaming? Journal it all out as a letter to your late dad. Burn the letter. (Eat that cake and then some.) Helps me sometimes.

COntinued prayers and love to you.
arfie
arfie
My estranged father died within days of our email reunion in 2005. Girl howdy, that still feels like a mesquite thorn wedgie. Did I commit patricide? Was I just doing my honest best with the rotten hand I've been dealt? On my good days, I can leave that judgement to the higher powers. Hell if I know.

I was working with a spiritual advisor when my father died. She believed that the loss of a loved one is the loss of a loving presence. The loss of an abuser is the death of hope. Love never really dies. Losing hope is a tragedy. She urged me to attend a grief support group and formally grieve the loss. I am glad I followed her advice. It helped me and quite a few of the group members thanked me for helping them to let them grieve a whole person and not just the sugar and spice.

It's allot to process, Blue. Be extra gentle with yourself while you work it all through.
patti22
patti22
Look at it both ways. If you had talked to him would either of you have felt better? I...I think not.

My mother died not quite a month ago, and I'm still somewhat in disbelief... I "feel" bad for her, but for me...relief, relief, relief, relief. Like this 1000 pound weight isn't hanging over my head anymore.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
I've been thinking about you since hearing about your father's passing yesterday since we were just talking about anticipating something like this in that earlier thread this week. I know how conflicted you must feel, since that's what that earlier thread was about. It seems, though, fortunate that you've got confirmation from your brother as to how contact with your dad would not have given you closure, since it didn't do that for him. It may be that the real issue is what we talked about in that earlier thread--that what there is to grieve here is not the relationship you had with dad, but the relationship you never got to have with a dad. I don't know.

I do know that you don't have to blame yourself or second guess yourself now. You did all that any daughter could do and you took care of yourself, too. Much support to you now.
brokenlady47
brokenlady47
I'm so sorry for your loss Blue. It's doubly triply and quadruply difficult to lose a parent you had a crap relationship with, and it was never your fault it was like that, it was all on him. Sorry your Mum isn't helping at this time. eat plenty of chocolate cake and keep coming back here to share what you're going through with us. We care.

((((((hugs)))))))

Manda xx
Muskoka007
Muskoka007
It sounds like your Mom needs a therapist to talk to and not always brining it up with you. You sounds like you handled it well and should be proud of your decisions as difficult as they were. Loss is difficult to deal with and sorry you have had to go through this. Hugs
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