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started to realize that my issues with men aren't only rooted in my uncle's abuse; these are also issues with my father.
My mother seemed to revel in the fact that she and dad had a special bond and that made me come in second. The message seemed to be that being a daughter wasn't as meaningful as their sexual bond. If there was a conflict, her side was taken. I remember as an adult, mother had taken me to the beach one time. I had thought she was going to drop me off at my apartment, about 90 miles away. But she stopped at her house and my dad insisted that I spend the night because mother shouldn't have to drive anymore and my husband would have to pick me up the next day. My driving phobia and inability to pass the road test meant there was no choice. I was stuck in the nightmare hoarded house again. I just cried and cried in my brother's room because they'd immediately turned my old room into an inaccessible junk room about a week after I moved out. This kind of thing happened a lot.
I also think my dad never forgave me for an incident after the house fire. So, my dad was hoarding newspapers near the floor heater in the hallway for years. My mother also set up her ironing station and piles of clothes by the heater, almost directly across from my room. This was '93 and I was 15. I was sleeping late on a day in January; exempt from an exam. My brother had left pants to dry on the floor heater, but left them there when he found something else to wear. The whole mess caught fire. I woke up screaming because my arm started to burn from the heat in the hall. I had to climb out the window. I remember them comforting my brother later that day, as he remembered that he may have started the fire; not me who was in the fire. I felt a little resentment.
During the clean up, the workers found that I'd written "I hate Dad" on the bottom of my dresser. That had happened years ago. They asked if there was abuse going on; but I told them it was during a minor argument over getting a puppy and that I loved dad. I don't think he ever forgave me for this. He hit me twice and I think it was in the years after the fire. Once, when we had an argument and I'd thrown a shoe at him during TV. Hours later, I'd been crying and put a sheet over my head to hide it. As he passes me in the hall, he just hits me in the stomach without any words. The other time, he just wanted me to get out of his way so he could get to the fridge.
I forgave him as he mellowed during his sufferings from diabetes, but it's hard to deal with the memories after his death.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
Continued support while you process, ds. Hope healing happens here.
"My mother seemed to revel in the fact that she and dad had a special bond and that made me come in second"
"... because they'd immediately turned my old room into an inaccessible junk room about a week after I moved out"
If dad worked full time, mom was in charge of the home domain assignments.
There is more in this and another post you have, but we learn relationship role by what we see as children, hard to shake later...If you were exposed to mom responding first to dad and you later, or even keeping space for a brother but not you, then you will probably have to work beyond those filters in yourself, for you.
This is not a blame game thing mostly because it works for them, so they won't see anything wrong with their actions. You won't change them. So then it's a how can you grow beyond it thing. It may have fueled your competitiveness, which is good in dance, but not so good in relationships.
Would you still dance if it never involved a partner? (never,,,, individual competitions are very self enforcing and disciplined)
If the answer is no, then the dance may also be what mom used with men, but found your dad and wanted that to stay in her life (still wary of competition, even you)
Think about this,
Toss what doesn't make you go HMMMM.
But I repeat this is not a blame game anymore, not you and not them, you are old enough to make your own choices.
J.
Jewells1, great insight. Major issues with mom.
About dance, I love to dance alone to live music. I've never been involved in dance competitions. I was in a bad emotional place after my surgery in 2015, and my husband's friend told me about the dance studio. I had grown up loving Fred and Ginger movies, and had taken a rumba class as a teenager the year before my uncle assaulted me. I guess I wanted to reclaim happier times. It just seemed like harmless fantasy, noticing how accessible the dance teacher seemed and how he'd make eye contact a bit more than the other guys. I was thrown for a loop by feeling more vulnerable after losing weight and didn't realize I was having hormone issues after a surgery (the incest issue was that I was assaulted in a standing up position and I was surprised how scary a close dance frame seemed). It was awkward and weird and ended in disaster.