Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.

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Stitch06
Stitch06

Hi, it's been so long since I posted here. Like so long...


Every now and again I've written a journal or two but I haven't been able to keep up... I haven't had the courage to write more and support for so long and for that I'm really sorry :(


Everything has been so hard since fall. My monster uncle got diagnosed with cancer and nearly every day and every conversation seems to be about how he is doing. And yeah... maybe I should keep my distance. But I have this completely uncontrollable desire to keep my mother happy. I can't stand her criticisms. And if I am "not acting a part of the family", oh I will hear about it. He is doing well by the way... I don't know if that makes me happy or sad or both?


I've had like... a really strong desire to actually talk some about what has happened to me when I was young. But I am so scared to. For my whole life it was so important I keep that secret from everyone and now I all of a sudden want to *and in the words of my therapist I should* get all the thoughts and feelings I have about it out? It feels so weird... it feels like I am doing something terribly wrong. But i'm not right?


Anyways... I hope everyone is ok and I am trying really hard to be around more and not isolate like I have for literally the last year. I'm so sorry :( I really am. I feel awful about it, but I guess I have been too scared to even right. Thank you everyone for being so patient with me. Hugs xxx


Stitch <3


arfie
arfie
In my own journey through child prostitution, losing that secrecy code might have been the most important step in my healing process. As a parent in my second parenting career, it still amazes me how easy it is to instill a secrecy code into child development. It is as easy as making them wait until their birthday to open their presents and/or keeping secrets your own self. Keep secrets from a child and you are only teaching them to keep secrets. Monkey see, monkey do.

These days I go with the philosophy that we are only as sick as our secrets. I still love my privacy, but feel a big diff between privacy and keeping secrets. My right to privacy can be maintained with civil boundaries and few side effects. Secrets take me sick places, ESPECIALLY when I am alone.

A recovery cliche I live by is, "Personal time is right on time, every time." Ya can't force the readiness. Time has no meaning in the healing process and we are ready when we are ready. Here's to hoping you will save the sorrow for something truly sorrowful. You have more than your share of sorrow already.

Be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.
Stitch06
Stitch06
thank you arfie. every voice on my head screams not to “tell” or else... or else all the things. the or else can’t happen anymore i don’t think? somehow i need to believe that.
traybabe
traybabe
I am new to this Daily Strength. The or else you hear inside is not coming from you. It is coming from a dark place. If you are able, maybe 1 step of telling at a time. This is anonymous, correct? I would think u could set yourself free. I know it is a scary place but get rid of that darkness. God bless you!
Stitch06
Stitch06
thank you traybabe i appreciate your words xxx it is so ingrained to “not tell” it’s so hard to get myself to do it. I suppose that is the healing that needs to be done! I’m trying to get there :)
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
In my missionary family overseas in a war zone protecting family secrets was literally protecting family income. Every month my family sent glowing newletters back home to hundreds of donors to keep the monthly pledged money flowing. Meanwhile, our car was bombed, our only US neighbor kidnapped and killed, and our own house taken over by soldiers in combat, but we were to keep quiet about it all so we wouldn't get evacuated to safety back in the USA and be missionaries no longer. It was nut, and after 4 years it drove my mom to a nervous breakdown. Secrets, no matter how noble their cause, are toxic.
lilmissy7
lilmissy7
(((((Stitch)))))
Here with you. I hope you can be proud of yourself for your strength & honesty in this very post, I’m proud of you friend.
I wish I could write more but I have a foggy brain tonight but I wanted you to know you are seen & heard & cared about.

Sending you lots of strength & support
Gentlest of gentlest hugs <3
Stitch06
Stitch06
muji such heavy secrets :( hugs my friend xxx

thank you lilmissy, holding your hand and sitting with you as the brain fog clears <3
Momof2kids
Momof2kids
I am so proud of you for going to therapy-congrats! I hope you will continue to grow and learn new healthy coping skills while shedding ones from the past that were detrimental to you. Please keep posting back and sharing with us-I really enjoyed reading your post!
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Yeah, stitch, they were heavy secrets. Ultimately, totally independent of me they exploded on my folks, though, and the police got involved and after all of the dust settled it turned out for the good that they did in the end. Once the authorities exposed the fraud my family had become I got to start over with my burden gone and life was not heavy for me any more. Then next I learned to be independent.
rose07042k
rose07042k
Stitch, I know how you feel. I feel guilt when or if I open up. I feel like I am betraying and they weren't even by birth parents. They are family though. Or were family. I was never wanted. Anyway I understand and sometimes I wish I didn't learn to talk. I had a dream 7 years ago that hunt me. I dream that they got caught and I was at the police station and my pastor and my therapist was there and I shut down. My therapist spoke to my pastor and police then me and encouraged me to talk to my pastor. This was before my pastor worked with the police. It hunt me big time. I had asked my therapist not my current one to lock me up. So Stitch I understand.
Stitch06
Stitch06
you are just so strong muji xxx

thank you rose for understanding <3
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