She'd rebel against anything you tried anyway.
I think the best thing you can do is to express confidence that she can do it on her own, and let her do that.

I guess she wants to see you upset so she can tell you care about her. Something like that. So she does stupid shit to get attention? Just guessing.
Why she wants a guy her dad's age...that I don't know.

You don't have to put up with her...but a couple years of ego differentiation might make a great difference in the way she acts, so her moving out will help.

Not advising a permanent cutting of ties, because I suspect being apart will grow her up. I may be incorrect, though.

My little brother's grown up a lot from 20 to 30...she may also. I did.

Hugs,that is best for you and her right now. I hope she learns, but I hope for you some peace and time on your own for a bit. Not in an isolation way but the time to just be you for a while.

J.

Cecil,

Sorry for how this leaves you to feel about your efforts as a parent. But life itself will teach her the lessons she needs to learn now. And as a 56 year old man myself, I'm amused at the lessons HE will be learning now, too.

Lots of support to you, but it sounds like you're taking the wisest approach.

Cecil, good job on the self assessment. I took a look at your profile and saw that you are considering going back into therapy. I always say when someone recommends treatment they should get the treatment first. It's my, "You first." policy.

That being said, well done on the journaling. Telling your story is a proven treatment for PTSD. Writing moves events from the emotional center of the brain to the logic center of the brain. The act of typing or writing out emotions and actions in the past physically pushes the event from one part of the brain to another.

I got some good advice about journaling. My psychiatric nurse practitioner said to describe every sensory input. She said to recall the whole experience, what I saw, smelled, heard, and even how it felt to walk on the surface I was walking on at the time of the event. All five senses pull the mind into a triggered state which is why some random unforeseen sight or sound can yank someone with PTSD into a panic. The conscious mind may not recall what it smelled like at the time of a trauma, but the unconscious mind remembers everything.

Personally, I learned my brain will change a strong odor into the smell of rubbing alcohol or industrial cleaners used in a hospital. When that happens...boom...I instinctively get defensive because I'm "once bitten, twice shy" when it comes to hospitals.

I can't begin to comment on what's wrong with the daughter's thinking----my sis had a thing where the world was owed to her, and she made you miserable if you didn't try to serve her, to the point where she expected MOm to run to her at the end of a working day and throw her arms around her and cry, "Oh, my wonderful perfect girl, how are you!" and of course after 12 hours at a hospital as a nurse, Mom could just about make it through the door, drop her purse and sigh, "Hello," b/c without that job we had no house, no food, no clothes, no savings for school, etc.---

Which is all *my* load to carry, but I think rather than making your daughter "dead"---put her in Cryogenic Freeze for a while--- till she gets counseling nad sticks with it say 6 months --- and give yourself a vacay from it as well till then.

Gentlest hugs,
Leo

Reading the comments so far reminded me of when I would ask my younger brother yes-or-no questions and get a long, involved speech that didn't answer any part of the question I asked.

My question to him was, "Are you sober?" I let him talk until he was done making his point then I told him I had to go.

Have you ever asked your daughter, "Are you seeing a counselor?" or "Do you want to go back to school?"

It's a simple fact that the shortest answer is the truth. One-word answers are the most honest. And nodding when saying "yes" is the most truthful answer in the world. If someone shakes their head "no" while saying "yes"...something's up. But my policy is to take people at their word. If I get a yes...it's a yes and a no is a no.

I'm not suggesting you open a dialogue with your daughter, but I've used my yes / no observation when remembering past conversations. It helps me identify my PTSD triggers and shows me what I need to work through and what to talk with my therapist about. Those nasty repetitive thoughts that come with PTSD are begging to be resolved. New perspectives on personal history can sew up a lot of torn perception.

Thanks for all the supportive replies. I worked hard all day and focused on that, giving my brain a break from my daughter's stuff.

Alan...to answer your question , yes , I have talked to her about school and work and counseling...all of which she dropped out of. I had a rough spell a month or 2 ago and deleted most, if not all, of my journal that detailed a lot of what was going on with my daughter.

Myself, her counselors, and psychiatrist as well as her dad worked harder on her issues than she did. She obviously has daddy issues. She says she is in love. Actually she seems happy so that is good. I told her that I wanted her to deal with her issues and not depend on another person to do it for her. Support is one thing. Co dependent and enabling is another.

I do so much enjoy my time on my own. It is great to come home and have no messes (besides my little ones) and no drama. It is nice not to worry about what be happening when I am not at home. It is nice to know that my own child isn't stealing from me.

I do hope she will learn and grow in this situation. I think for a little bit I will offer to buy lunch or dinner at a neutral location and interact with her that way. neither of us likes to make a scene :-)

...Reply # 11 sounds quite reasonable.
:)
Glad you'll have your peace and safety.

Ah, those years when we are young enough to know everything... When I was 20 I was in the Army and ricocheting around Europe. Girl howdy, am I ever glad neither the Army nor Interpol were fully computerized back then... I preferred older men in those days, too. Yup, Daddy issues in triplicate. I survived. Odds are, your Drama Queen will also.

You are doing great, Cecil. "Great" does not mean "easy," but it really does sound like you are doing great. She is an adult now. Time to start treating her like one. Time for you to move on to what's next in your life. It does, indeed sound like you are proactively doing just that. Small bytes and long chews.

Lean and vent freely. You can do this.

You DO sound great in reply #11, as h says. And as arfie says, "great" isn't "easy." Glad it's not all hard, though, and that there are ways to enjoy your time on your own, too. Good for you, Cecil.

I just want to add...I am the mother of a 16 nearly 17 year old girl who has mental health issues, same as me...she has bouts of depression, self-harms and binge-eats...we fell out last Christmas as I confronted her with the truth of certain things regarding her removal from my care 10 years ago...basically she told terrible lies about me and her father abusing her when we didn't, and we proved we didn't through various court - ordered assessments...she has been in social services' socalled care ever since...all I want to say is we are not always responsible for our kids' problems especially when other people (in my case foster carers and social workers) have had an influence... In more cases not than not a detrimental influence...so we haven't got to beat ourselves up and blame ourselves when things go wrong...and I think you are doing the right thing by practicing detachment...all the best to you Manda xx