Hi, and welcome. I already had PTSD from domestic violence and other childhood stuff, but the to top it off I'm a civilian veteran of 6 years of close combat. A car was bombed with me in it by an IED, etc. That's just one day of six years' worth of days like that, you know the trauma drama. Gunfire, more bombs, kidnappings, torture, people dying near me. Close people I knew killing other close people I knew. I was spared no aspect of war, up close and personal. The boredom, the terror, all of it.

So back in the US I was misdiagnosed bipolar, too, at first. Then came a really extreme startle response I had just to a family member walking up behind me without my knowing it. By reflex, I spun around and punched him and knocked his tooth out before I even realized what was going on. It was not like me at all, and that was so obvious it was something I was sorry for, but it was a blessing in disguise. It had me reevaluated as what I am, PTSD.

I was hospitalized twice for this. I took so much prescribed medication I ended up having kidney damage, so I can't do that or drink any more. It was tough when I finally had to face PTSD "cold turkey" 3 years ago with no meds or alcohol. Fortunately, after 15 years with different therapists, I got the right one at that same time. A VA doc with a doctorate in actual combat PTSD.

It changed my life. I come here now every day in maintenance of a functional life. I'd lost my job, but I've had the one I've got for 3 years now and it's going well.

I'm not cured. I still have flashbacks and symptoms. But I'm happy, I have to say, and I'm glad I don't have meds or alcohol side effects. It was tough getting to this place, but it's worth it. The people here give me the support I need every day because they've been through what I survived and worse. They understand for real from real experience and don't judge whether I'm feeling good or whether I come needing help.

Sorry for what you're going through, but, like I said, welcome. People here really know what they're talking about and can really support some healing realistically.

hi, and welcome to the group. I come from a military family. My family was violent. I got PTSD. yep, with the surprise quick moves, the noises, etc. and the drinking.
The good news is that it can get better. It ain't easy but it can get better.

Are you still active in the military?

Just because your injuries are not visible does not make them not real.

Getting you better is important.

No I'm not in the Army anymore..... my hand is made of titanium and im on heart and blood pressure medications..... I don't think I'm going to get better to be honest...

When the sun rises ill start to drink again and self mutilate. It makes me feel better I dont know why.

Cutting works because it releases endorphins. It turns into an addiction, as well I know, I've been doing it off and on since 14 .

Sorry about your hand, very sorry. More worried about the trouble in your head.
Hmm. Ask your treatment team about a procedure called stellate ganglion blockade. If it works, it will be nothing short of bloody amazing for you. Not joking.

My best friend and roommate was a Vietnam era vet who saw combat on the Swift Boats in the delta there. Here took the alcohol approach after the war for year, and it worked for a while. He doesn't do that now. You're not alone.

I can most deffintley relate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5tURikGV2Q

yeah I can definitly relate not on the drinking but the jumping at the door thing. Daily strength is a great support at times. I think you will find some nice people here and some support. Most therapists I have talked to have never heard of ds so thats cool she knew about it.

It seems to me like you are mutilated enough.. why now you feel you need more mutilation? Survivor guilt? God does not want punishment, but wants healing and peace... not more destruction. The drinking is for self-medication.. calms the adrenalin down sometimes.. but that becomes another problem, and you don't need alcoholism problems.

How long were you in the service? I mean I know you saw some really bad stuff,, but how long tells me a bit more about how programmed you got. Soldiers get programmed. And how programmed you got tells me a bit about what it's gonna take to ... mend the mind, as well as the heart.

Are you okay? Sometimes it's the ones who don't cry who have the hardest time. Most of the time I can't cry, or let people know that I need help.

Great responses here to you, gnheekin. You're not alone.