Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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i CANT STOP! i need to. im destroying what little life me and my daughter have, im losing her, but i cant stop. i can see the life i want, and know the changes i need to make to fix it, but i cant, i just go off in another world, go gambling since that is my vice and where i work. i havent been going to school. i havent been doing well in anything. even working all of my hours. we are broke, losing our truck, possibly our home.
every day i make a resolve to make the next day better. and now that i started taking 5 htp i can sleep. if it has helped with anything, it is sleep.
but i wake up in the morning, start again, its the same everyday,like it never happened, but everyday ends the same. I mess up. over and over again. feeding the addiction that i had gotten better with, because its the only thing that makes me not "feel" or think.
I make it to appointments on time. to work on time. but its all a haze. I have no concept of linear time. i dont know HOW i make it on time to places. its like, you could tell me something 5 minutes ago, and it could feel like 5 years, it all runs together. which makes me forgetful as well.
and makes the passing of time irrelevant. which i hate, cause it means my daughter will grow up faster than normal, and all the precious time i get to spend with her, will seem like nothing. like a blink. i want to cherish time i have inbetween the flashbacks. at least until i can get them under control.
is there any tips to help stop this? something? ANYTHING?
ive even tried writing out a schedule, of the entire day, broken down into 30 minute intervals. that didnt work. it sat there for a week and
the whole time i had thought i had adhered to it, but didnt realize i didnt.
any help appreciated.
every day i make a resolve to make the next day better. and now that i started taking 5 htp i can sleep. if it has helped with anything, it is sleep.
but i wake up in the morning, start again, its the same everyday,like it never happened, but everyday ends the same. I mess up. over and over again. feeding the addiction that i had gotten better with, because its the only thing that makes me not "feel" or think.
I make it to appointments on time. to work on time. but its all a haze. I have no concept of linear time. i dont know HOW i make it on time to places. its like, you could tell me something 5 minutes ago, and it could feel like 5 years, it all runs together. which makes me forgetful as well.
and makes the passing of time irrelevant. which i hate, cause it means my daughter will grow up faster than normal, and all the precious time i get to spend with her, will seem like nothing. like a blink. i want to cherish time i have inbetween the flashbacks. at least until i can get them under control.
is there any tips to help stop this? something? ANYTHING?
ive even tried writing out a schedule, of the entire day, broken down into 30 minute intervals. that didnt work. it sat there for a week and
the whole time i had thought i had adhered to it, but didnt realize i didnt.
any help appreciated.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
I went through something similar five years ago when going through some intense grief. If you want to talk you can message me. I don't have free time for a chat right now but I can talk/listen.
Do you have a therapist? Do you have any supportive family members? If you are about to lose everything then maybe taking a break and getting some inpatient treatment or other kinds of intense treatment would be better than losing everything.
Are you working a gambling program?
Hugs, Dracona. This is not an easy place to be. May a healing touch find you. And your daughter. You are right. They grow SO fast.
Good luck either way and know my thoughts are with you and your family. I hope you find the answers you seek soon.
Its a hard climb, but I promise that we are all climbing with you.
I went thru a horrible time with diassociation a few years back. When I look back now, most of it's a blur. I know what a horrid feeling that is.
I will encourage you by saying that you are, at the very least, aware it's going on, and so in time, you will be able to conquer this!!
Schedules did not work for me very well. What seemed to work the most was journaling to myself every single day. I reminded myself of anything I needed to do the next day, or what I would cook for dinner, etc. Very simple, basic things, but when your living in a cloud, those things are easily forgotten.
It does take discipline to journal all the time, but like many habits it will become second nature after a while.
And I dont care how many times you've failed.....everyone gets a second chance Dracona -- it's called tomorrow! I sure as hell didn't suddenly start doing everything right. Took me a ridiculously long time to get myself back into life again.
The main thing I read in your post was negative thoughts towards yourself. Give your damaged spirit a break. You woke up today, let that be enough some days. Make itty bitty goals for yourself - like a small grocery list for dinner. Get up and go do it right then. Check if off. Then another simple goal. And if and when you mess up, that's ok, you just try it again.
Got my fingers crossed for you hon!
I try to give myself little victories, but this cloud is so strong. the negative thoughts are so strong. it almost doesnt matter anymore. sometimes its almost as if i want to fail. i get in fuck everything mode.
I dont have anyone who is truly here for me. a couple friends, but no one that i can call, say right now, when i really need to. Ive been to GA before, it did nothing from me and now there are NONE in the area unless i took time out of work to go, which i cant. Whatever this is inside me, is even using my daughter as a means to hurt me. cause right now all i can think of is her beautiful face, and how i wont get to see her this weekend, and how disappointed and confused and sad she is going to be about it. she is only 3. a very smart 3. and how fucked up I am. and how she deserves a better mommy. she drew a picture of a pair of boots, even wrote boots, with a backwards Boooats. thats what she wants for christmas so she can play in the snow and make snowmen with me when the snow comes. im sorry baby girl, mommy cant get you boots cause she cant stand to work all her hours at work and then disassociates and gambles and then doesnt have the gas money to even pick you up from her best friend who watches you for free to help out. I hate myself so much right now, and i knew that i would, but it didnt matter. I love her so much. Loving her is pain. pain to me... because i know she deserves so much better, i know she should be my driving force in life, but shes not. this cloud is. im a fucking prisoner inside myself. I just want out. i want this to stop. these thoughts to stop. i dont want her to be like me, my mother did this to me, my mother and all the narcissistic men i sought out looking for love. love to me is pain and deception. i cant seem to get past this, ive been fighting for so long. it just circles, around and around in my head. over and over and over again and I CANT STOP IT.
these feelings, these emotions. fucking shit its tearing me apart, whats left of me... what happens when its all gone?
I just want to hold my daughter in my arms, but i cant. i cant get out to her... im about to walk the 30 miles there and back just to see her.... just to see her once.