I can't sleep tonight. Took meds and all. I guess everything is just marinating. I've done a lot of good work this week. Really hard work. Raw, honest, heavy work.

we added the c to my diagnosis.

Several significant traumas

My therapist is a powerful cheerleader and guide but it's abundantly clear to me that I needed this program years ago.

Such high intensity symptoms and feelings I thought were anger (my least favorite emotion), I realized today, what he thought was evidence of panic disorder (my psychiatrist too) was actually fear. I was terrified. I am terrified. Parenting: All I Know is What Not To Do. That labels my fear and recognizing it brings me great comfort. Fear is okay. Fear can be embraced. Fear can be talked about. Fear is manageable even when its enormous. Fear is normal. Anger. Anger is uncomfortable and I've felt like I was going to turn into one of them. 

Marah, you are not your brother.

You may feel bad but you are not bad.

Those things resonated with me today. Evidenced by the most cathartic cry I've ever had. I've never had a release valve for any of the pressure or the emotions. They resonated so powerfully that I feel proud of myself just for being me, and the resilience I was tired of hearing about, the thing I hated that I even needed, I now appreciate it. Courageous, resilient, determined, compassionate, and proud with every reason to be proud, I know I'm where I need to be.

Also, it's becoming a reality that my liver can't handle this life much longer. I need to eat. It's having trouble digesting and that makes meal plans challenging. I'm supposed to just do the right thing until it normalizes and my metabolism speeds up. Fake it till you make it and sit with the uncomfortable fullness because the alternative is dying early. I think it's making me feel exhausted. But also here I am, very very sleepless and feeling something heavy and overwhelming in my chest. The weekend is here. Maybe that's all it is. Doing this alone. Still playing that song I shared.